erotic city

"Nothing but the Naked Truth"

July 2002

Jump to calendar : July 2002 : Erotic City

Nine Years of Decadence

Can you believe it? We're still here! In spite of silly rumors of our imminent demise (...dream on, Marty), Exotic has developed into a well-oiled machine. Actually, it's probably more like a well-lubed twelve-inch dildo that continues to violate every one of your orifices month after decadent month. Nine years...that's 108 deadlines we've survived to bring you the best free mag in the whole freakin' world...local, national, and we got your globally right here for ya. Exotic has grown from a horny little tabloid into the predatory pornographic masterpiece it is today. And oh, Lord, the changes have been plentiful, lemme tell ya. In the past nine years, Exotic has sparred with a competitor or two in our quest to produce the Northwest's leading erotic-entertainment publication. We've seen 'em come, and we've seen 'em go to jail. But the test of time is telling the tale. While our remaining adversary continues to waste away into eventual oblivion, Exotic has reached new
levels of quality and excellence. The new era of Exotic is upon us. Whereas the former publisher of T 'n' A Times found God, we found Goad. And so began the revolution.


Covergirl Wars

Episode II ­ Attack of the Dolls

A long time a strip club way too far away...


It seemed like a good idea at the time. About two years ago, Exotic agreed to hold a contest and put our sacred and much-sought-after magazine cover up for grabs as the prize. To make it more interesting, we thought we could drag it out for about ten weeks in order to build to a better climax. Contests went on for two consecutive years at Jody's Bar & Grill without too many complications or injuries. A second-place runner-up punched the winner in the face; a judge or two got slapped; and I found new and exciting ways to make almost every one of the competitors hate me. After surviving two years of Jody's contests, we came to the decision that the contest needed a rest. I guess we forgot to tell Rick Kallis. This notorious promotional whiz-kid (currently of Stars Cabaret, formerly of The Viewpoint, Exotica, Roc's Dollhouse, and Stars Cabaret) resurrected the contest before a proper burial had even been arranged. The last contest wrapped up last month at the Dollhouse. Unfortunately, Rick was no longer employed at the Dollhouse when the contest came to its fiery conclusion. Ten very attractive girls competed for last month's cover and a cash prize of $1000. So who won? Well, I really can't tell you that; however, I can tell you who lost. Everyone lost. To all the girls
who competed, you were all topnotch. Each entertainer gave a truly outstanding performance, but unfortunately, The Dollhouse itself could stand a
few lessons in contest integrity, not to mention some basic accounting skills, as in, whatever happened to the $1000 the "winner" was

supposed to receive? The winner of the contest was announced, but she never made it to our cover due to political sabotage on the club's part. Maybe all this had something to do with the Dollhouse's revolving-door employment policy. Several former employees of one of my favorite clubs, Doc's Bar and Grill, are now holding the reins of this club, and if past experience serves me well, stay tuned for the final chapter in this trilogy, Episode III--Attack of the Alcoholic Dolls.


Return of the Covergirl with a Bad Attitude...
and a bad day for Jacob

Which brings us to the "final" Exotic Covergirl Contest, which just wrapped up this month at Stars Cabaret and led to this month's covergirl, Adrianne. You might remember the story of Adrianne where we exposed the statement she made via e-mail concerning her first appearance in the mag last summer: "Every time I see your shitty magazine I throw it in the trash where it belongs. I will NEVER appear in your fucked-up magazine again!" Ironically, she eventually would become the only woman ever to appear twice on our cover in a six-month period (without sleeping with an Exotic employee, that is). Adrianne conquered all others in the Stars Contest that was organized by--guess who?--Rick Kallis, now once again of Stars Cabaret. Does this mean Rick is starting his new "World Tour" of Portland's most elite strip clubs? We'll keep you posted about where we can find Rick next month. But hats off to the dude for still being employed at the completion of this contest.

Now while we're on the subject of Rick, I have to share something with you that was just too damned hilarious to leave out. Rick and I were sharing a few too many cocktails following a photo shoot one night, and he chose to leak a bit of information about an ex-girlfriend of his, and the stupid things people do during the process of falling in and out of love under the influence of alcohol. Now when he told me this, I reminded him that I was the writer of one of what has turned into a mudslingin' gossip column, and he might wanna be careful about what he mentions to me. We recently received an email from Rick expressing his concern as to how he might be presented in print concerning the unfortunate demise of his ex-girlfriend's pet goldfish. The following is that email. No embellishments were made, though a few slight edits were made to protect the innocent:


I worry that some will think me somewhat insensitive to animal cruelty should word leak out of the goldfish-blending incident. I would like to point out that I have a cat which has survived my care in good health for the past three years,

and has never, at any time, been threatened with death or harm should the affections of any past girlfriend cease to exist.

The execution of Jacob the Goldfish was carried out in a humane manner that may have violated several state and local laws pertaining to the humane treatment of mammals. However, I do not believe these laws extend to fishes, even those kept as pets. The following
is my account of Jacob's
last hours...

After a long night of drinking propelled to an unusually high level by rumors concerning my ex-girlfriend, I returned home and turned my vengeance on Jacob the Goldfish, who was living in my tank after being rescued by my ex once she discovered his fate as a feeder goldfish. For months, this fish became a symbol of our relationship. When my intoxicated and blurry vision noticed his shape moving in the tank that night, the alcohol in my veins caught fire. Jacob the Goldfish had just reached judgment day!

4:00am: After several slurring voice messages to the ex, I informed her of Jacob's eventual demise, and that his death was totally and completely her fault--
I was merely the instrument of destruction.

4:20am: after about a half hour of chasing Jacob with the net, I separated him into an Osterman Industrial blender. Its ten sharp blades with a manufacturer's warranty of ten years would serve well as a death chamber.

4:25am: Jacob was fed a last meal of Tetra Goldfish flakes.

4:26am: The verdict was read.

4:27am: After opening a Coors Light, sentence was carried out. With a whir of the 500-watt industrial blender, Jacob disappeared into a reddish blur. I left it on for a full two minutes, then poured the remains onto my plants. With a mere press of a button, I was over my ex. While I must admit this was an unconventional method, there was a definite therapeutic effect to the entire proceedings. And my plants have never looked better!


Way to go, Rick. You told me this story last month, and I hid the truth from the public. But once I saw this email, I laughed my ass into tears so hard that I lost a contact lens. Your documentation of Jacob's execution was too well-written to pass up.



Miss Nude Oregon and the World's Best Wrap-Up


The Dolphin II wrapped up the return of the notorious Miss Nude Oregon pageant last month. And the winner is...Asia from the Dolphin II. Now I know what you're thinking, and I've heard the comments. Sure, maybe a girl from The Dolphin II did win. And maybe that seems a little suspicious. But we're talking about Asia here. The same Asia we chose as a covergirl last August. We knew this babe had stellar qualities last year; now the rest of you all know what we've known for quite some time. Congrats to Asia and the Dolphin II.

Another contest came to a rather thrilling close right in the middle of deadline, The "World's Best" competitions at Union Jacks. Best Boobs went to Londyn, Best Poleworker to Stahr, Best Booty to Cookie, and the World's Best Exotic Entertainer went to Mystique Knight. Certain suspicions were immediately brought up concerning Mystique's family ties to Union Jacks' management. First off, I have witnessed this girl's performances for years now, and on a slow night at Jody's, I've seen her bust her ass harder than most nineteen-year olds ever come close to. She is, without a doubt, worthy of her many titles. As for her family ties, he wasn't even a part of the scoring process, nor did he control the judges in any way. I myself examined the final scores, and it was very nice to see a legitimate, and very well-organized, contest take place. There is still hope for us all perhaps.


My Name is Spooky...and I'm a Pornographer

So I'm sitting on my couch drinking a Heineken and savoring some of Oregon's finest herbal remedy at about 5:00 in the morning. As I watch three of Centerfold Suites' incredibly hot lingerie models packing up everything I own into neat little boxes, I suddenly realize that life is pretty fucking good. Yeah, sure...there are some minor details that I could do without. Like the fact that I was supposed to be moved out two days ago. Not to mention that I have no idea where I'm moving. Or the disturbing, yet convenient situation that my ex-girlfriend was kind enough to take nearly 80% of everything in the house when she moved out a couple of weeks ago. OK, maybe that part kind of sucked. Especially when you consider that she fucked my brains out the night before, cuddled up to me the next morning, and gave me a kiss goodbye as I left for a double shift at Soobie's. Then she marched in a troop of discount Mexican movers as soon as I left to pack up everything and escape off into the night. She paid about four hundred bucks to commandeer her merry band of moving muchachos. Not only did my lovely Centerfold Suitehearts pack up my entire house in less than four hours, they refused any monetary compensation, and on top of it, I got to jack off after each room in the house was cleaned out. Which brings me back to this epiphany...I'm a Pornographer... AND I LOVE IT!!! Over the past few months, I've used this column on occasion to make all of you aware of this job's undesirable elements. But I've failed to mention that sometimes this job just fuckin' rocks. It makes me proud to be a pornographer.


Exotic's 9th Anniversary Party Monday, Aug 12th at Stars Cabaret!





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