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xmag.com : August 2002: What's Your Fucking Problem?

People ask me for advice all the time, but lately I've come up with some things that could help us ALL. Directly or indirectly, the unhappy, fucked-up people smear their misery on us like dead skin cells floating in a hot tub. Generally speaking, they're insecure, dissatisfied, or were seriously damaged by someone early on in life. Yeah, yeah, whatever, let's all have a group hug. That's life, and too big a thing for even me to tackle...but there's another big ol' girl out there who can help me to help you...



I want to use my life. I want to help, and since you're one of the most influential women in the media, you could make my dream a reality. If you backed me up in this simple plan, your network, sponsors and advertisers, Dr. Phil, Deepak Chopra, and John Travolta could support it, too. Together, we can make it real.



"Penis" sounds like another word for "small," and I believe it's subconsciously upsetting to a man's confidence. And what does a man do when he feels like he's less than a man...and he can't afford a big-ass truck? Sure, women are violent...but really, it's men running amok, carrying big, long guns, blowing stuff up, declaring war on everybody and trying to overpower each other on every level. So much anger. Could it be maybe, that no matter what they've got between their legs, it sounds small? Think about it..."Oh! Honey...look at the sweet widdew baby kitties! They are so peeee-nisss!"



Just about any carnivorous person can barely resist bacon. While the crispy strips are draining their salty grease on paper towels, everyone wants to snarf 'em down before the rest of breakfast is ready. You gotta constantly swat people off the bacon. How often do we find folks stuffing their face secretly with potpourri? Exactly. So why should we hose our junk out with flowery spring gardens or a "hint-o-musk?" Stedman, help me out with this one. So many women are nonorgasmic, and for some, this is a serious medical issue. For most, however, it's a problem you can blame on the dipshit leafing through their labia with nary a clue or much interest as to how to eat that sucker. If it tasted more like greasy pork products, though, they might be compelled to put more oomph into their efforts. (Maybe we can come up with a seitan-and-tamari sauce recipe for vegetarians.) The women will be happy, as will their men, their kids...everybody gets happy. And happy is contagious.

I'll bet that lady who drowned all her babies had flowery panties but never copped a nut her whole life.


OK, this is the most controversial idea, but hear me out. Convicted sex offenders spend less time in jail than pot peddlers. Once they get out, and most of 'em do, often they go right back to their happy business of raping and ruining ladies and/or babies. They go through the system AGAIN, get spit out AGAIN, and then whammo! Another little girl lost, another little boy shattered. Jail sucks, but incarceration doesn't seem to scare buggering rapists off their smack.

Rape Island is a place where the punishment fits the crime, but, like karma, it's threefold. We give 'em a nice house with nice things around them to make them feel all comfy and safe. Leave them alone there until they're used to it and unsuspecting. Then have a bio-engineered monster mete out justice. (I'm thinking a gorilla and a rhinoceros spliced together and shot up with PCP, kept in a dumpster, starved, and poked at constantly.) Have the Rhino-rilla smash though the door of the offender's bedroom, chase them around the island for a couple days terrorizing them before finally brutalizing them over and over again for the cameras. Oh yes, we would film it ALL. I'm talking Reality TV turned up to 11. Fuck Fear Factor. And, Oprah, you wanna talk about finding your spirit? When that two-foot-long, rough and scaly eggplant is being driven up their ass, you can be sure that they'll be looking desperately for God through their sorry, stinging tears. It'll be a hit, I know it. We will make this country a little safer, show by show...and make a buck or two in the process.

These are just some humble ideas of mine...some food for thought. It takes a village for some stuff, true...but millions of dollars and influence, Oprah, that's what'll get the job done. Thank you for your time.

Love, Demi







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