: August 2002: The Jack Shack
Evans is blessed with large, delicately cut dark
green eyes and the finest butt in the history
of Western Civilization. She shows up toward the
end of Nacho Latin Psycho Crazy ASSylum
II from Evil Empire. The multicultural
thug fucks would protest: Faith Evans, despite
a stage name that sounds like
it belongs to a rich white Boston twit, is Latina.
The chicky-poo is from Barcelona, as in Spain,
as in the 16th-century conquistadors who raped
and pillaged South America. And a good thing they
did, too. Brought civilization to a continent
sorely in need of a good ass-kicking.
Nacho Latin opens at some sort of porn convention
in Barcelona. The usual dim-bulbed, well-now-what-the-fuck-do-I-shoot?
cameraman pans around the hall, catching some
yummy-nummy babes dancing on stage surrounded
by lots of male porn tourists wearing black square-rimmed
glasses and looking like fugitives from day jobs
the restrooms at the tapas bar. I have seen the
in a tapas bar in Barcelona. I heaved out a boatload
tapas in that restroom and got on a plane the
next day back to the Imperialistic Plastic Beast
USA and never returned to Barcelona.
I could see Faith Evans's ass in the flesh, I
would go back to Barcelona. As I said, she's in
a later segment of this DVD, and the rest is so-so.
After about five pointless minutes at the convention,
we get Bella Donna, sorta cute with a gap between
her teeth, who spends a few minutes, all duly
and boringly recorded on this DVD, putting make-up
on in front of a mirror on the floor. She goes
into another room and sees another girl on her
knees sucking off a guy and asks, "What are you
just love it when the girl asks that in porn vids?
I mean, was that written in a script? I must have
seen two hundred vids where a girl walks into
a room, sees people having sex, and asks: "What
are you doing?"
guy replies with the obvious: "What does it look
like?" and Bella Donna answers, "Doesn't look
like anything to me." Maybe I'm wrong, but I think
Bella Donna just tossed that line off without
intending anything rude. But really, it was perfect,
because the girl was giving a terrible blow job.
That's the beauty of porn--those unintended moments
that actually cut to the truth.
insult was missed all around, because in what
follows, the girl who couldn't give head eats
out Bella Donna and they do each other and then
a guy fucks both of them. Out comes a batch of
dildos and lollipops. The insertions are rapid
and deep. The plastic plungings into the girls'
pussies and butts are followed by the threesome
sucking lollipops. For those wanting an extended
fifteen-minute three-way with enough dildo action
to satisfy an entire Catholic girl's school, this
will do fine. But while watching it my mind suddenly
flashed on James Calvin Brady, the
black dude who believed a machine gun had been
implanted in his stomach that told him to kill
people. He walked out of the psycho ward in Atlanta,
bought a .38, and shot five people at a shopping
that I want to do that after watching porn, but
the machine gun implanted in the stomach giving
the guy orders somehow reminds me of floppy dildos
plunging into women's innards. The machine gun
is churning around in his gut. Rat-a-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat.
The dildos relentlessly slamming away in porn
could do the same.
believe some men who watch porn like to see women
impaled. Why? Because they are pissed off and
fed up with women. Susan Faludi wrote in Stiffed,
her book about beaten-down men, that women
"find a soft place in the collective male self-esteem
and drive at it until the lance runs red." So
a lot of porn is not really about sex; rather,
it's an outlet for get-even time. But it's in
the privacy of a guy's living room. No harm
It's therapeutic and much cheaper than seeing
some shrink who will
discover more problems mounting in your brain
which in turn require repeated sessions on his
couch at mucho bucks an hour.
Latina has enough get-even moments to satisfy
fat Republicans staying one step ahead of impotence
and two from the grave. Don't they deserve this?
sure they'll enjoy Julia Kim in Sex Magician
from Adam & Eve, where the only thing missing
is a rabbit pulled out of a pussy. Everything
Republicans do is magic. And we get sucked into
their show. They'll like Try a Teen #16
from Visual Images featuring a dozen cuties
desperately trying to look like Lolita. And
they won't want to miss Teen Land Beauty
Queen from Legend, where Penthouse Pet
Hanna Harper has graduated to blow jobs in the
high-school parking lot. Don't all fat, white
Republicans want to deep-dick a loose-curled,
round-faced cheerleader who dried her French-pedicured
toenails while sitting on the floor in her bedroom
listening to some rap artist extolling the virtues
of bending a ho over a garbage can and buttfucking
her? They might have a problem with Vice
Squad from Legend, where Hanna Harper
has now graduated from blow jobs in high school
to blow jobs as a cop. Problem is, the lard-ass
reactionary Grand Old Party boys might feel
uneasy when the vice-squad pussy unit eliminates
the pervs and johns from the street. Too many
of them have been there.
the difference between acne and a priest? Acne
waits until you're twelve before coming on your
wish that I'd made that joke up, but I stole
it from Johnny Maldoro, whose weekly column,
Dirty Pornos, premiered a few
months back in the Village Voice. Johnny's
column is zany, funny, and informative. Reviewing
porn films has been confined to sex mags and
the pathetic hacks at AVN who are nothing more
than cheerleaders for the porn industry.
column is a real breakthrough. A weekly trip
into the swamp of smut is now in a major national
newspaper. Don't expect to see porn reviews
in the future in the lazy Oregonian, the
happy-go-lucky twice weekly Tribune (whose
management doesn't seem to realize nobody reads
their newspaper), or the geezer-alty Willamette
Week. Or for that matter, don't expect to
see porn reviews in any mainstream newspaper.
A few altys in big metros may catch on to this
now that Johnny has crashed through the Village
Voice doors. (The Voice sort of straddles
the alty/mainstream divide.)
you like The Jack Shack, you'll like
Johnny's column; if you hate The Jack Shack,
you'll like it even more. Check it out on villagevoice.com.
More importantly: There's a space for feedback
and a space to request Dirty Porno alerts
sent to you via email. Send in some feedback.
Request his alerts. Newspapers use this info
to judge their writers. This is especially true
in Johnny's case, 'cause his column is new.
It's also the first breath of fresh air in the
Voice in a decade.
stop pounding your Bishop and log on now. Wait,
I take that back. Finish pounding your Bishop,
then log on.
|© 2003 Xmag, LLC. All rights reserved. copyright | trademark | legal notices