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xmag.com : August 2002: The Jack Shack

Faith Evans is blessed with large, delicately cut dark green eyes and the finest butt in the history of Western Civilization. She shows up toward the end of Nacho Latin Psycho Crazy ASSylum II from Evil Empire. The multicultural thug fucks would protest: Faith Evans, despite a stage name that sounds like it belongs to a rich white Boston twit, is Latina. The chicky-poo is from Barcelona, as in Spain, as in the 16th-century conquistadors who raped and pillaged South America. And a good thing they did, too. Brought civilization to a continent sorely in need of a good ass-kicking.

Nacho Latin opens at some sort of porn convention in Barcelona. The usual dim-bulbed, well-now-what-the-fuck-do-I-shoot? cameraman pans around the hall, catching some yummy-nummy babes dancing on stage surrounded by lots of male porn tourists wearing black square-rimmed glasses and looking like fugitives from day jobs cleaning
the restrooms at the tapas bar. I have seen the restroom
in a tapas bar in Barcelona. I heaved out a boatload of
tapas in that restroom and got on a plane the next day back to the Imperialistic Plastic Beast USA and never returned to Barcelona.

If I could see Faith Evans's ass in the flesh, I would go back to Barcelona. As I said, she's in a later segment of this DVD, and the rest is so-so. After about five pointless minutes at the convention, we get Bella Donna, sorta cute with a gap between her teeth, who spends a few minutes, all duly and boringly recorded on this DVD, putting make-up on in front of a mirror on the floor. She goes into another room and sees another girl on her knees sucking off a guy and asks, "What are you doing?"

Doncha just love it when the girl asks that in porn vids? I mean, was that written in a script? I must have seen two hundred vids where a girl walks into a room, sees people having sex, and asks: "What are you doing?"

The guy replies with the obvious: "What does it look like?" and Bella Donna answers, "Doesn't look like anything to me." Maybe I'm wrong, but I think Bella Donna just tossed that line off without intending anything rude. But really, it was perfect, because the girl was giving a terrible blow job. That's the beauty of porn--those unintended moments that actually cut to the truth.

The insult was missed all around, because in what follows, the girl who couldn't give head eats out Bella Donna and they do each other and then a guy fucks both of them. Out comes a batch of dildos and lollipops. The insertions are rapid and deep. The plastic plungings into the girls' pussies and butts are followed by the threesome sucking lollipops. For those wanting an extended fifteen-minute three-way with enough dildo action to satisfy an entire Catholic girl's school, this will do fine. But while watching it my mind suddenly flashed on James Calvin Brady, the black dude who believed a machine gun had been implanted in his stomach that told him to kill people. He walked out of the psycho ward in Atlanta, bought a .38, and shot five people at a shopping mall.

Not that I want to do that after watching porn, but the machine gun implanted in the stomach giving the guy orders somehow reminds me of floppy dildos plunging into women's innards. The machine gun is churning around in his gut. Rat-a-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat. The dildos relentlessly slamming away in porn could do the same.

I believe some men who watch porn like to see women impaled. Why? Because they are pissed off and fed up with women. Susan Faludi wrote in Stiffed, her book about beaten-down men, that women "find a soft place in the collective male self-esteem and drive at it until the lance runs red." So a lot of porn is not really about sex; rather, it's an outlet for get-even time. But it's in the privacy of a guy's living room. No harm

done. It's therapeutic and much cheaper than seeing some shrink who will
discover more problems mounting in your brain which in turn require repeated sessions on his couch at mucho bucks an hour.

Nacho Latina has enough get-even moments to satisfy fat Republicans staying one step ahead of impotence and two from the grave. Don't they deserve this?

I'm sure they'll enjoy Julia Kim in Sex Magician from Adam & Eve, where the only thing missing is a rabbit pulled out of a pussy. Everything Republicans do is magic. And we get sucked into their show. They'll like Try a Teen #16 from Visual Images featuring a dozen cuties desperately trying to look like Lolita. And they won't want to miss Teen Land Beauty Queen from Legend, where Penthouse Pet Hanna Harper has graduated to blow jobs in the high-school parking lot. Don't all fat, white Republicans want to deep-dick a loose-curled, round-faced cheerleader who dried her French-pedicured toenails while sitting on the floor in her bedroom listening to some rap artist extolling the virtues of bending a ho over a garbage can and buttfucking her? They might have a problem with Vice Squad from Legend, where Hanna Harper has now graduated from blow jobs in high school to blow jobs as a cop. Problem is, the lard-ass reactionary Grand Old Party boys might feel uneasy when the vice-squad pussy unit eliminates the pervs and johns from the street. Too many of them have been there.

What's the difference between acne and a priest? Acne waits until you're twelve before coming on your face.

I wish that I'd made that joke up, but I stole it from Johnny Maldoro, whose weekly column, Dirty Pornos, premiered a few months back in the Village Voice. Johnny's column is zany, funny, and informative. Reviewing porn films has been confined to sex mags and the pathetic hacks at AVN who are nothing more than cheerleaders for the porn industry.

Johnny's column is a real breakthrough. A weekly trip into the swamp of smut is now in a major national newspaper. Don't expect to see porn reviews in the future in the lazy Oregonian, the happy-go-lucky twice weekly Tribune (whose management doesn't seem to realize nobody reads their newspaper), or the geezer-alty Willamette Week. Or for that matter, don't expect to see porn reviews in any mainstream newspaper. A few altys in big metros may catch on to this now that Johnny has crashed through the Village Voice doors. (The Voice sort of straddles the alty/mainstream divide.)

If you like The Jack Shack, you'll like Johnny's column; if you hate The Jack Shack, you'll like it even more. Check it out on villagevoice.com. More importantly: There's a space for feedback and a space to request Dirty Porno alerts sent to you via email. Send in some feedback. Request his alerts. Newspapers use this info to judge their writers. This is especially true in Johnny's case, 'cause his column is new. It's also the first breath of fresh air in the Voice in a decade.

So stop pounding your Bishop and log on now. Wait, I take that back. Finish pounding your Bishop, then log on.





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