"Nothing but Naked Pictures of Myself on My Computer"

November 2002



Welcome Back, Pornland, to Destruction and Perversion...With Really Cool, Moody, Rock 'n' Roll Lighting and Lots of Leather Hats

I'm glad to see you all made it through another month and another round of this endless circus of sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll that is life as we know it in Alcoholic Titty. I'm here to piss you off, because I thought it was cool...and I mean in a cool way, not in an asshole way, although it's sometimes cool to be an asshole, don't get me wrong, and anybody who knows me, and a lot of people in this local industry know me, knows that I can be an asshole from time to time, but in a rock 'n' roll, 80s-metal-video asshole kind of way rather than just a plain asshole...but as I was saying, my full name is Baron Lord Don Jon Bon von Vojirelli, widely renowned as one of the most stylish porno-ad sales representatives in the greater Portland area, and I'm here to piss you off because I thought it was cool when people got pissed off at the stuff Goad writes, so if Goad could do it and be cool, I figured I could do it and be cool, too, and so the birth of an Evil New Cool Thing was...um...born.

I like controversy. Controversy is cool. Or maybe it's not cool. It all depends on who's signing my paycheck and what they want to hear. I've got a lot of money behind me now, so controversy isn't very cool to me these days.

You see, I'm not much for consistency. I'm not too big on loyalty. I'll say anything to anybody if I think it will benefit me. My modes of aggression are very bitchlike, indirect, and dishonest. Once you peel off my Phantom of the Opera mask, there's really not much in the way of a soul there. I'm not a dumb guy, but I'm a staggeringly shallow guy. And it is this emptiness within me, this conscienceless black expanse of pure anti-integrity, which makes me perfectly suited for life in this industry.

I'll have a great time for a few months. None of my old friends, but lots of expendable cash. And then the guys who hired me will realize what a complete fuckup I am, what a scorched-earth disaster my life is. A million dollars a month wouldn't turn this train-wreck around.

I remember telling Goad about my sellout on the day I signed the contract. I told him that one of the angles I might play is to just milk these new guys for six months or so, drive the local version their stupid little generic free porn magazine into the ground, and walk away with a lot of cash.

Of course I'll deny it if they ask me about it. How hard is it to lie?

See, even though they're giving me all this money, I'll stab them in the back, too.

That's just the way I am. That's just the way life is here in the dirty, lyin', puffy-shirted streets of Alcoholic Titty.

 


More Hilarious Stuff About That Dude Who Puts Goldfishes in his Blender

It's 3AM and I'm really fucked-up and I just got back from playing that "Lick my pussy AND my crack" song about twenty times at the club where I DJ, and the magazine's going to press in about six hours and everyone's waiting for me to finish, and I'm really running out of ideas for my column, so I'm going to write some more about That Dude From That Club Who Puts Goldfishes in Blenders. He recently wrote me this letter:

 

Dude:

I broke up with another girlfriend recently, and she really pissed me off, and it just so happened that she had a pet goldfish, too, so I took the goldfish and put it in a blender and turned it on and killed it. Everybody was crackin' up down at the club when I told them about it.

 

Thanks for your comments, Goldfish Dude, and here's hoping you don't break up with any more girlfriends any time soon so that we don't have to witness any more tragic, unnecessary shedding of innocent goldfish blood.

That is, until next month when I'm fucked-up at 3AM and need to fill
column space.

 
 
The Top Ten Strippers
I Wanna Throw Ceramic Gargoyles At

 

If you know this industry as well as I do, you'd know that there are a lot of people in this industry who don't understand this industry as well as I do. Considering the fact that I have a lot of money behind me now, I think I'm qualified to comment about the people who think they know this industry but really don't know this industry at all, at least not as well as they think they do. Some people actually know the industry better than they think they do, but I'm not talking about those people. I'm talking about the opposite ones, the ones who don't know the industry as well as they think they do, and those are the ones who make being in this industry a living hell for people like me, knowing the industry as well as I do.

 

Has Anybody in the Office Seen My Digital Camera?

First off, I'd like to thank whatever bouncers at Dante's hoisted me on their shoulders and carried me up to the office after I vomited all over everyone and passed out inside Bybee's birthday-party limousine a couple of months back. But when I woke up on the back-office couch the next morning, I noticed that my camera was gone. Maybe I left it in the limo. Or maybe at some club we visited that night. I'm not saying someone at Exotic stole it, but I do have my enemies, so I'm not ruling that out. And it's not like the memory card on that camera was full of nude self-portraits or anything.

 

New Puffy Shirt Purchased for Ink-N-Pink 2003

All you rock 'n' roll vampires who enjoyed the puffy shirt I wore during the first three annual Ink-N-Pink competitions will be saddened to know that the shirt was irreparably damaged during a street altercation involving me, my girlfriend, and several members of a Greek Olympic kayaking team. But everything's cool now...I was able to snag a newer, shinier, puffier puffy shirt at Swashbuckler's boutique, where I buy most of my alterna-pirate gear. The shirt will be unveiled next year at Ink-N-Pink 2003: Resurrection of the Puffy Shirt.

 

Strip Clubs That Suck Because They Won't Give Me Free Drinks Anymore

So I'm pounding down a few boilermakers at The Brontosaurus Room out in Gresham, thinking about whether or not I should buy a new pair of cheetah-skin creepers, and I ask Filbert the bartender there for another free drink, and he says that I've already had more than my quota since they haven't bought an ad from me in a couple of months anyway, and it got me to thinking about how crazy life in this industry is.

I mean, think about it: I came here years ago with the dream of one day
having a stripper girlfriend, and I was able to make that dream come true. Not only that--now I'm even able to play music and announce the names of the chicks who take their clothes off, and I'm able to take pictures of them and publish them. It's really been quite the porno odyssey for me. Isn't that profound?

But even though I've known Filbert for years, here he is cutting me off from any more free drinks. Sometimes I feel like the people in this industry don't have any loyalty at all.

 
 
 

Alcoholic Titty Syndicated in Free Russian and Korean Sex Mags

All my loyal local porno-lovin' slaves will be proud to learn that Alcoholic Titty, this very column you're reading right now, is being syndicated in two--count 'em, two--free foreign sex magazines: Boobs 'n' Borscht out of Moscow and Tae Kwan Ho's from Seoul, Korea. That's right, yours truly, Baron Jonathan von Spookenburger, is now worldwide, baby...meaning that dudes who like to see hot chicks take their clothes off--whether those dudes are little and yellow or medium-sized and white...are reading my deranged ramblings. Cool! That kicks Korean and Russian ass!

 

I Have a Lot of Money Behind Me Now

In case you weren't listening the first couple of times I said it.

 


I Whine Like a Bitch During Sex

At least that's what the kitty-cat from the jack shack upstairs said.

 

 

My Girlfriend Threw Her Drink at Me Last Night

At the club where we were watching some chicks strip, and it really pissed me off.

 
 

I Broke Up With My Girlfriend

L ast night after she threw that drink on me. That was the last straw. Everything that has gone wrong in my life for the past couple of years has been her fault. It's over. I know I've said this before, but this time I really mean it.

 

I Made Up With My Girlfriend

This morning. I really think she's changed this time.

 
 

Dude, Our Rights Are Being Threatened

The Founding Fathers of this country shed some serious fuckin' blood so that we could have all the tattooed-stripper competitions and table dances we wanted. You see, back in colonial times, the British were trying to take away our porno, and they were charging stuff like really heavy taxes where you had to do crazy, unfair shit like tip the King a
dollar for every dollar you tipped a girl at the rack, and things like where girls weren't even allowed to dance topless on the Lord's Day, and so one day all the guys in the colonial sex industry said, fuck this shit, we'll just break away and have our own sex industry, and so I think it's really fucked-up that nearly...uhh...two hundred years later, we still have to fight for the same rights that we thought were already fought for.

The Powers That Be are driven by only one thing--money. Actually, that's the only thing that drives me, too, but I'm driven by it for cooler reasons than they are. And I think it's fucked-up that they're trying to take away our hard-earned, God-given rights to enjoy hot pussy and cold beer at reasonably priced establishments. I think we, as an industry, need to stand up and fight. Fight for your freedom. Fight for your 2-Fer Tuesdays. Fight for the right to pay for sex because you couldn't get laid through the normal channels.
Fight for the right to be cool and to wear cool clothes.

 

 

 

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