: December 2002: Media Stalker
BULLETIN TO PORTLAND'S S&M COMMUNITY:
"doms!" All "subs" have changed their "safeword"
to, oh, "antidisestablishmentarianism."
you hate white people?
an 'S!' Gimme an ampersand!" Shut up.
the sad, dismal X'd-out red neon long-stemmed
martini glass is once more solemnly aglow from
atop the sylvan hills over Portland State, reminding
us that the Christmas, I mean "holiday" season,
has come again to Portland. Party down!
do you think smoke knows to stay in the smoking
section? Well? Do you?
every turn here, you're reproved and chastened.
Your pity's solicited, your guilt's in someone's
crosshairs, you're on the spot.
you want your Bugles, Ding-Dongs, and Fiddle Faddle
in paper or plastic, sir?"
you think will most benefit mankind, miss."
a time for taking stock and giving thanks for
all there is to be grateful for here in the City
of Roses (not that we have anything against other
temperate climate, the arbitrary witch-hunts,
in the streets, racist skinheads, and crisp apple
Johnny Limbo and the Lugnuts, Smegma.
masochism, suicide--we're number one!
strident, petulant foot-stamping of coddled, favored
special-interest groups; pizza with potatoes on
rapt, avid readers posing like thoughtful mannequins
in the windows at Powell's, surreptitiously aiming
what they're reading at us.
prissiness, the preciousness, the xenophobia.
of it reflected so vividly in our autocratic,
ruling-class-run print media: The gated community
that is "the press."
Willamette Week will be publishing gift
suggestions which no one who works at Willamette
Week except publisher Richard Meeker and editor
Mark Zusman will be able to afford, despite an
inordinate ad-to-copy ratio.
Portland Mercury will likely do something
wacky for the holidays, maybe even SHOCKING. They're
so different from everyone else, it isn't funny.
hepcat Portland Tribune will probably recommend
Naked Lunch for a stocking stuffer. Or
maybe a nice ball-gag.
columnist Bill McDonald sez: "Sleater-Kinney
know that Phil Stanford over there? He likes Jimi
Portland Alliance will decry crass commercialism
and capitalist consumption, then try to sell you
a Mumia Abu Jamal fondue set.
Oregonian...Let's be honest. I've never read
happy-go-lucky editor of Just Out will
tell us why the holidays are a time for hysteria,
melodrama, self-pity, bitterness, and boycotts.
And it's beginning to look a lot like CHRISTmaaas...
For The Day: What if Huck Finn said "faggot" 200
times? Portland loves its Derry Jacksons.
you see where that freakazoid extra-from-a-Fellini-film
mayor-woman proclaimed "Leather Pride Week" last
year, promoting "safe, sane, consensual" S&M?
Media Stalker's against dangerous insane forcible
sadomasochistic rape, too. Let's have a parade
needing your personal peccadilloes blessed by
that ditzy socialite? The filthy-rich blueblood
divorcée of some freaking "artist?" Don't
you hate art?
the fuck is City Hall doing in the bedrooms
of "libertarians?" By invite.
of groups with their own lingo. Watch followers,
joiners. The only people hung-up on what consenting
adults are doing are "sexual minorities" and
local "sex writer" (people so into sex, they
just have to write an essay) wrote of "workshops"
such as Fun and Humor in S&M.
and You. Dungeon Do's and Don'ts.
was: Coming Out S&M to Your Family.
for being so up-front with us, but we really
just want to watch Survivor in peace.
Week's "Queer Window" columnist gave an
unfavorable review to an S&M propaganda
film, for which he was excoriated.
didn't come back with: "Oh, fuck you." Rather,
they came simpering tearfully about "acceptance"
and "understanding" and called him a "disgrace"
(he gets that a lot) and a bigot for voicing
an honest, visceral reaction at odds with theirs.
Note all the tolerance and understanding. Today's
"left" is just the inverse Christian Coalition,
only more pious and sanctimonious.
what was both a brilliant literary critique
and neo-post-Dadaist art statement, a young
lady deigned to drop by the Portland Mercury
offices once and vomit therein, by way of protest,
for which the smirking "Aren't we edgy?," fashionably
anti-cop, "agitprop" weekly's "news editor,"
a fucking lawyer, threatened her with
these papers. Fuck Portland. Let
The Media Stalker is menacing phony "alternative"
dilettantes, Portland's aristocracy, and well-financed,
government-and-media-backed lily-white "minorities,"
which can mean only one thing: MERRY CHRISTMAS,
And, for those of you who worship the wrong
God, happy whatever weird-ass holiday you
and vivisect responsibly, respect others' off-the-charts
zealotry and narcissism, and, for goodness sake,
don't puke on the alternative press.
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