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xmag.com : December 2002: Media Stalker

 

URGENT BULLETIN TO PORTLAND'S S&M COMMUNITY:

Attention, "doms!" All "subs" have changed their "safeword" to, oh, "antidisestablishmentarianism."

Thank you, "doms."

Don't you hate white people?

"Gimme an 'S!' Gimme an ampersand!" Shut up.

Well, the sad, dismal X'd-out red neon long-stemmed martini glass is once more solemnly aglow from atop the sylvan hills over Portland State, reminding us that the Christmas, I mean "holiday" season, has come again to Portland. Party down!

And do you think smoke knows to stay in the smoking section? Well? Do you?

At every turn here, you're reproved and chastened. Your pity's solicited, your guilt's in someone's crosshairs, you're on the spot.

"Do you want your Bugles, Ding-Dongs, and Fiddle Faddle in paper or plastic, sir?"

"Whichever you think will most benefit mankind, miss."

It's a time for taking stock and giving thanks for all there is to be grateful for here in the City of Roses (not that we have anything against other flowers):

The temperate climate, the arbitrary witch-hunts, lattés.

Anarchy in the streets, racist skinheads, and crisp apple strudel.

Sleater-Kinney, Johnny Limbo and the Lugnuts, Smegma.

Alcoholism, masochism, suicide--we're number one!

The strident, petulant foot-stamping of coddled, favored special-interest groups; pizza with potatoes on it.

Those rapt, avid readers posing like thoughtful mannequins in the windows at Powell's, surreptitiously aiming what they're reading at us.

"Lao Tzu? He's good!"

The prissiness, the preciousness, the xenophobia.

The 1971 mind-set.

The rigid caste system.

All of it reflected so vividly in our autocratic, ruling-class-run print media: The gated community that is "the press."

Soon, Willamette Week will be publishing gift suggestions which no one who works at Willamette Week except publisher Richard Meeker and editor Mark Zusman will be able to afford, despite an inordinate ad-to-copy ratio.

The Portland Mercury will likely do something wacky for the holidays, maybe even SHOCKING. They're so different from everyone else, it isn't funny.

That hepcat Portland Tribune will probably recommend Naked Lunch for a stocking stuffer. Or maybe a nice ball-gag.

Trib columnist Bill McDonald sez: "Sleater-Kinney rocks."

You know that Phil Stanford over there? He likes Jimi Hendrix.

The Portland Alliance will decry crass commercialism and capitalist consumption, then try to sell you a Mumia Abu Jamal fondue set.

The Oregonian...Let's be honest. I've never read it.

The happy-go-lucky editor of Just Out will tell us why the holidays are a time for hysteria, melodrama, self-pity, bitterness, and boycotts. And it's beginning to look a lot like CHRISTmaaas...

In Portland.

Thought For The Day: What if Huck Finn said "faggot" 200 times? Portland loves its Derry Jacksons.

Did you see where that freakazoid extra-from-a-Fellini-film mayor-woman proclaimed "Leather Pride Week" last year, promoting "safe, sane, consensual" S&M?

The Media Stalker's against dangerous insane forcible sadomasochistic rape, too. Let's have a parade about that.

Imagine needing your personal peccadilloes blessed by that ditzy socialite? The filthy-rich blueblood divorcée of some freaking "artist?" Don't you hate art?

What the fuck is City Hall doing in the bedrooms of "libertarians?" By invite.

Beware of groups with their own lingo. Watch followers, joiners. The only people hung-up on what consenting adults are doing are "sexual minorities" and Jerry Falwell.

Some local "sex writer" (people so into sex, they just have to write an essay) wrote of "workshops" such as Fun and Humor in S&M.

Disemboweling and You. Dungeon Do's and Don'ts.

Another was: Coming Out S&M to Your Family.

Thanks for being so up-front with us, but we really just want to watch Survivor in peace.

Willamette Week's "Queer Window" columnist gave an unfavorable review to an S&M propaganda film, for which he was excoriated.

They didn't come back with: "Oh, fuck you." Rather, they came simpering tearfully about "acceptance" and "understanding" and called him a "disgrace" (he gets that a lot) and a bigot for voicing an honest, visceral reaction at odds with theirs.

Note all the tolerance and understanding. Today's "left" is just the inverse Christian Coalition, only more pious and sanctimonious.

In what was both a brilliant literary critique and neo-post-Dadaist art statement, a young lady deigned to drop by the Portland Mercury offices once and vomit therein, by way of protest, for which the smirking "Aren't we edgy?," fashionably anti-cop, "agitprop" weekly's "news editor," a fucking lawyer, threatened her with legal action.

Fuck these papers. Fuck Portland. Let my
people go.

Well, The Media Stalker is menacing phony "alternative" dilettantes, Portland's aristocracy, and well-financed, government-and-media-backed lily-white "minorities," which can mean only one thing: MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!

And, for those of you who worship the wrong God, happy whatever weird-ass holiday you
celebrate, too.

Torture and vivisect responsibly, respect others' off-the-charts zealotry and narcissism, and, for goodness sake, don't puke on the alternative press.

Be my Valentine?

 

 

 

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