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xmag.com : January 2003: I Hate Sex

I am, admittedly, a total sexual retard. I never had a boyfriend or went on any dates in high school, and I've mentioned before that I didn't have intercourse until I was 24! I don't know what took me so long, but finally around the time I was 23 I realized I was wasting precious years of fecundity, so I got to work.

Of course I couldn't just jump right in and bang my way through the phone book. I had to start at the beginning! Before she gives it away, every good virgin has to experiment with 3rd-base folly like hand jobs and hummers. Normally, this kind of thing is pursued with a trusted boyfriend, behind the bleachers or in the coat closet at someone's parents' house... but I'm not normal. My first close encounter of the hard kind came under much freakier circumstances.

A friend had invited me along to the set of this independent movie that was filming high up in the Santa Cruz mountains of California. It was a bunch of local-yokel art students, real losers, but somehow they had managed to lure this one old Z-list actor out of his Hollywood cave and onto their movie set, which happened to be located on this old air force base that had been out of use since 1965. The actor was one of those out-of-work has-beens who enjoys having his balls licked by know-nothing kids, and sure enough, from the moment he arrived they were kissing his ass. But when I showed up in all my virginal splendor, he had eyes for no one else!

Even though this relic was about 70 years old and had been in some sort of horrible accident in his youth in which 90% of his body was terribly burned, I was flattered by his attention. In the movies he always played the bad guy--the vampire, the SS man, the KGB agent--and that's because he was one fucked-up looking motherfucker. But if there's one thing I love, it's a freak...and this guy definitely fit the bill. So I sat next to him and let him stroke my hand as he regaled me with tall tales of his lame Hollywood exploits. Privately I was laughing my ass off at his movie-colony pretensions, but I pretended to be impressed just to see what would happen next. And what happened next was definitely out of a horror movie!

During one of the shooting breaks, the actor invited me to "take a walk" with him around the grounds of the base. It turned out to be less of a walk and more of a beeline straight for the old, abandoned bowling alley nearby. Back in the day, young air force recruits would go there for a round or two after work, but on this occasion the only balls around were wrinkled, blue-veined and dried up! And they were attached to an equally desiccated penis, which just so happened to be the first one I ever saw up close and personal.

Now, I was curious to see what would happen next, but I wasn't curious enough to let this burned-up old mummy penetrate my precious maidenhead. We started out just kissing, and he surprised me by whipping out his withered willy. But I've always been quick on my feet, so after a cursory glance, in the course of which I saw enough to last a lifetime, I decided to head him off with a hand job. Pretty quick thinking for a modest virgin! It was a valuable experience, as I have since used that tactic many a time when in need of a fast escape from a tricky situation. It's a skill every girl should possess.

After that learning experience I jettisoned the actor and went in search of someone more exciting for the next phase of my sexual initiation. But now that I think about it, maybe if the first dick I ever saw hadn't been so burned-up and wrinkly, I would have a better attitude toward sex today. But then again... maybe not!!!





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