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xmag.com : January 2003: The Jack Shack


Jules Jordan's Weapons of Ass Destruction from Evil Empire productions in Porn Valley has one thing in common with weapons of mass destruction from our own evil empire: its stockpile of power proves less threatening even as it increases exponentially every year. We have the power to nuke Iraq but the downside is far worse. Were we to do so, we really would be the evil empire which would turn the world against us and make it impossible to run the global economy. In porn, ass destruction, ass worship, asses twitching and asses plundered have become so routine it is no longer possible to produce an ass vid of any real staying power. It's all been done before.

So, like the slow march to war, one goes for the middle ground. Threaten and bluster, all the while knowing those 12,000 pages of documents from Iraq claiming they have no weapons of mass destruction is the latest lie in a history of lies. I would not say 12,000 butt fucks constitute a lie. However, that does get tedious. So what I find remarkable about ass-bashing porn is that it must continue to sell or it would not be churned out.

Weapons of Ass Destruction begins promisingly with shapely buttocks encased in tight pants wiggling to the rising sound of jet planes taking off for a bombing run. Regrettably, that's the only connection between war and porn. I suppose one could read war into it if you consider plunging a dildo up Belladonna's ass a metaphor for sticking it to Saddam Hussein. Or rather, many dildos. Belladonna appears to enjoy the feeding. It looks like an experiment to see just how many dildos her ass can take at once. In this instance it was three. I shudder to think we may have a flurry of forthcoming vids trying to top that act. Remember the gang-bang vid phase a few years ago where one girl took on a hundred guys? Then it was 300. Then 500. I think it topped out around 564. I don't think any asshole could take 500 dildos, although if George W. Bush wanted to try that out on Saddam I'd be all for it.

The vid runs about two hours, so if thermonuclear ass worship is what jerks your erect radiance, this one is for you. The best scene is with Gauge in a cage. Gauge is the hottest looking girl in the pack. Decked out in leopard skin, she crawls around a cage

haphazardly looking for cock. (The rinky-dink cage looks like something purchased at Wal-Mart and the scene is set in a well-lit office, so those expecting a Tarzan redux might be disappointed.)

Four naked guys approach the cage and stick their dicks between the wires. At moments like this, I always flip on the news on my other screen. Some expert analyst-type on Fox News is saying the Iraqi arms declaration fails to account for biological and chemical agents that somehow disappeared when the weapons inspectors from the United Nations left four years ago. The missing stuff included 500 shells filled with mustard gas and another 150 bombs stuffed with biological agents. On top of that, some British spooks are sure Iraq has bought oodles of highly enriched uranium to use for their nuclear program.

This worries me, as does the highly enriched sperm stored up in the dicks of the quartet of studs surrounding Gauge's cage. They keep sticking their dicks between the wire slats. As she crawls around sucking them off it looks like their colossally thick cocks are getting sliced by the wire. They're not, of course, and maybe the wire acts as a kind of cock ring to keep them hard. This is not a turn on, but it is interesting to watch. Finally, one of the guys opens the cage and Gauge pops out. At this point she gets plundered by all of them.

The expert analyst type on Fox News says Saddam is using the arms inspection as a tactic to delay the war. He sure is, but like Gauge in the cage, it's only a matter of time before he's gonna get plundered big time.




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