"Can we, as a country, all
: March 2003: Penis
I've seen a lot of cock in my time. No,
I'm not gay, although my girlfriend would have you believe
that my fastidiousness and gastronomic habits belie a
latent homosexuality. I've probably seen as much cock
as the aged cut-rate hookers working the docks during
Rose Festival. I get paid to look at and diagnose all
of the cock-related problems that bring one to the doctor's
office, so I think I can qualify the title of this article.
I never intended
to reflect on the study of Cockery. Like many intellectual
exercises, this was borne out of a late-night drinking
binge with friends. One of the guys had been dumped
and the ex-girlfriend was telling everyone that he
had a wee willy and was thoroughly unsatisfying beneath
the sheets. Now, knowing this fellow, I had no doubt
regarding the latter. Funny thing is that he didn't
even care about being exposed as a shitty lover, but
he was mortified at the accusation that his gear wasn't
up to factory standards.
that the best way to make a guy's life a living hell
is to spread rumors about him having a small penis.
It's happened to all of us at one time, right? Well,
not me, but to most of you guys, anyway. That's a
joke. As the story goes, we were finishing up the
night, alternately supporting him through the break-up
period and pitching him shit about his dimensions,
when some dumbfuck in the group dared him to whip
it out. Thankfully someone restrained him. Hell, I
was pretty drunk, and I'm sure the sight of his little
toe-headed weenie hitting the table was sure to make
me vomit. However, as the sole member of the group
with any medical and scientific training, somehow
it fell upon me to restore his manliness and dispel
the myths of the male genitalia. Hence, the infant
science of cockery came to be. Here are the basic
tenets and explanations.
are not created equal. Hate to burst your bubble,
no provision in the Constitution that guarantees
you the right to a biggie. Ron Jeremy and Peter
North are two perfect examples that big cocks can
sprout out of just about anybody. Of course this
is equally true for small cocks. There are several
myths about the correlation of cock-size to hand
and foot size. A British medical journal recently
dispelled this, as well as the myth that there are
give you the straight dope based on my own clinical
experience. I've found that it's difficult to predict
who's packing a Kielbasa. Most women I know will
resort to the "feel test." I compared my medical
notes with a lot of women who sort of get around,
if you know what I mean. Here's what I found out.
don't have the biggest cocks. They're about the
same size as everybody else's. I confirmed this
with a hairstylist I know who only dates black men.
The corollary is that the ones that are toting something
usually carry something analogous to a walking stick.
Fat guys generally have really small cocks, which
are usually buried in some stinky belly fold. Common
sense there. Skinny guys are usually packing heat.
Poor, shitty musicians get laid a lot, and it ain't
for the music, you know. Asian guys are a mixed
bag. I confirmed this with a Caucasian girl I know
who only dates Asian men. Those who are raised here
are on par with everyone else whereas those who
come from their native countries are on the smaller
end. I think it has something to do with nutrition.
You don't develop a big body on tofu, after all.
topic, most muscle-heads' cocks are inversely proportionate
to the amount they can bench press. Comedian Richard
Jeni once said he didn't work out because weights
can make every part of your body bigger except one...and
lifting weights only makes that look smaller. Anabolic
steroids also add to shrinkage. Understand where
part of 'roid rage comes from now?
course you want to know the answer to the most
burning question: who wins the medal for minisculity?
Before I reveal this, let me say that this is
just based on what I've seen and is not intended
to offend. Hey man, it's scientific. Okay. The
smallest cocks are on Mexicans. Not the American-born--they
fall into the same sizing pattern as American-born
Asians. It's the migrant workers. Again, I suspect
it has something to do with nutrition, but I've
seen a lot of these guys because they all get
VD from local hookers. I almost cried when I had
to do a urethral swab on some poor sod and realized
that the two-millimeter q-tip wouldn't fit up
inside of the pathetic pinky-finger sized nub
that a lot of you are now feeling compelled to
get the old tape measure out. Don't, I repeat,
DON'T do this. There's no real way for you to
accurately measure a part of your body that is
constantly changing size. Shit, it's like expecting
barometric pressure to predict the weather with
100% certainty. Short of painful and expensive
surgery, you will never be able to change what
you've got, so don't go and do something stupid
like measuring it. If you and your partners have
been happy up until now, then don't go fucking
that up. You might be happy with what you measure,
but what if you're unhappy? You'll only feel bad
which will, in turn, diminish your self-confidence
and sexuality. This then spirals into depression
and self-doubt and the next thing you know, you're
in front of a jury explaining why you were hanging
out on the Green River with that shovel and machete.
A lot of sex-therapists will tell you to stick
your erect cock in an empty toilet paper tube.
If it does a fairly good job of filling it up,
then you've got nothing to worry about. This is
what I advocate, but I have to use an empty paper
towel tube, of course.
one has to realize that sometimes when it comes
to penises and vaginas, simple architecture
and evolution will sometimes put you at a disadvantage.
Use your common sense so I don't have to lay
a bunch of biology and physics on you, okay?
I once dated a woman that could have passed
for a Valkyrie. She was height-weight proportionate,
but the tale of the tape gave her two inches
and twenty pounds on me. She was pure Scandinavian
huntress, with powerful haunches, ice-blue eyes,
tremendous breasts and...where was I? Anyway,
the disparity in body-size was amplified in
the sack. Big women sometimes have big vaginas
and even if I had my game-face on, I sometimes
felt like a Lilliputian, angling incompetently
inside of her. Your Legos won't work with Brio
blocks and there ain't nothin' you can do about
enough, I've noticed one other truth when it
comes to penis size. It's the guys who boast
the least about their sexual experiences that
have the most satisfied partners and the least
paranoia about their gear. So in the end, it
would seem, the best cocks may be attached to
those who don't act like one. Oh, and if you
did fail the toilet-paper tube test, then go
to www.smallpenis.org for help.
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