"Nothing but the Naked Truth"

June 2003


Jump to calendar xmag.com : June 2003 : Erotic City

 

"John is a lower life form than anyone who works at Exotic. He is Industry standard straight off the assembly line. A cheap replaceable, airbrushed figurine who thinks money or attention can somehow make him less of a grotesque cartoon." --Exotic magazine, November 2002
 
I'm Back
Can you believe you're reading this? Trust me old friends, I can't believe I'm writing it. But somehow, I'm back at my old desk on Burnside pounding out your monthly dose of Erotic City. It's not Exotic's fault, I brought it up as a joke. I simply pointed out that my former column had become terribly boring and altogether uninteresting since I had left. It amazes me to this day that so many of you not only read, but have directly quoted the "mindless and nonsensical rants" I spewed onto these pages. But that was a long time ago. A lot has happened here in our fair City of Rosebuds since my departure from Exotic. In the good old days it was just a simple game of tug-of-war between this proud publication and our stubborn English associate over at SFX. Then Exotic pissed me off. And even though my resignation from Exotic was intended to be a total departure from publishing all together, it didn't quite work out that way...
 
I Love Exotic
Being the "whore" that I am, I jumped aboard what I thought would be the new leader of PDX's free skin mags: Enter Xcitement. I stuck around for a whopping two issues before MY "excitement" waned. Yeah, they're real nifty, with their shiny pages and big time porn stars and all, but it wasn't Exotic. It was like getting a Gardenburger thrown at you when you ordered a Filet Mignon. So I bailed, and like any good "whore" would do, I fell straight into the arms of the next dumbass that wanted to start a magazine in this town-- Like we really needed one! But the guy paid me a signing bonus, made lots of promises, and somehow seduced me into another stab at the old magazine biz. Problem was, none of you ever saw that one, since only about 500 copies made it into the country.
One would think an embarrassing series of maneuvers like that would finally motivate me to call it quits in the PDX magazine scene right? But then again, as much as I bitched and moaned between these pages, in the six years or so I spent in this arena, I was my most happily dysfunctional right here at Exotic. So for some reason, these crazy bastards turned me loose once again. Forgive them, Portland, they're really a bunch of good guys...honest. It's all my fault, it was my idea. I know what you've all heard about me, and I've heard what you all say. But love me, hate me, at least I've given you some twisted form of amusement over the years, and I got lots more to give.
 
Finally, Sushi and Strippers
The new Union Jacks has got it going on this month. Thursday nights are TroubleVision at Jacks with 2 girls on each stage, 2-for-1 two girl table dances and, starting this month, TroubleVision Team Challenges. With an all new expanded table dance area, this is a night you don't wanna miss, unless the thought of two hot naked babes making you the meat in their sandwich turns you off. Every Sunday at Jacks don't miss
Swingferno & Sushi. With hot sultry babes dancing to classic blues, big band swing and jazz classics all night long. If you clean yourself up, these babes will even dance WITH you if you're lucky. You can even dive into the new Sunday sushi menu to give yourself a little extra stamina for a weekly swing dance contest with $100 in prizes.
 
Hit The Spot
Twenty-two G-Spot girls were at the Pallas on May 29th and it was a HUGE party. They'll be there again June 28th, along with the band Debris. Don't miss it.... the G Spot is now 3 times as hot! Sounds like a multiple orgasm to me, but when you're talking about the #1 Babe the Guys at Exotic Wanna Fuck, the G Spot is where you wanna hit. And just in case you can't find your way there, now all 3 of Sheena's shops are G spots (formerly Anastasia's & Palace of Pleasure). So for all you bold and adventurous horndogs out there, think about this: you can hit Sheena's G spot in three different places now. Sounds like it's gonna be a wet summer. Love ya Sheena, you know where my spot is baby, stop by to Jack it anytime.
 
Free Boobs
The suspense is swelling boys and girls! This month Exotic's biggest contest ever is bouncing from one club to another to keep your libido in lust. Jiggling your way on June 12th @ Sassy's, the 19th at Cleopatra's Viewpoint and the 26th at Club Exotica. We'll bust out with the grand finale at Stars on July 10th to see who wins the complimentary rack courtesy of Exotic. Call 503-827-8018 to sign up, or meet at The Refectory at 9pm on June 4th.
 
I Love Exotic Even More
Hey, dude, what's the coolest free porn mag in town? Exotic Magazine. We're so damn cool next month we'll be ten years old. You know how many asses we had to kiss, how many babes we had to lay to get this far? Ten years is a big one, friends. And of course we're gonna be throwing a major gig to celebrate our First Decade of Decadence. Make sure you're there. Your friends will all disown you and your girlfriend will dump you if you're not.
 
Be Nice to Sailors
Attention Smut Soldiers, it's Rose Festival time again Portland. That means we're gonna have a lot of visitors in town crowding in on the action you all take for granted. So when the sailors muscle up to the rack this month, put a buck or two in front of them and show a little appreciation for the ass kicking they handed Sadaam and his boys while you were sitting at home beating off to free porn mags. Give 'em some respect. Better yet, buy 'em a table dance.
 
The End
That wraps things up for this month, kids. Maybe I'll even be back again next issue if I haven't pissed anyone off. Who knows? But contaminating your world with my jaded words is always a pleasure.
I'll see you out there (and so will the security cameras)...
--Spooky *

 


 


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