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"Can we, as a country, all agree

xmag.com : August 2005 : by Jim Goad


Nobody likes a loose vagina. Nobody enjoys a flippy-floppy, slippery-sloppy, honking tuba of a twat. There is no pleasure in a belching basilica of a beaver. I will hear no more of these flatulent, oscillating Jabba the Cunts. If I see another news story where yet another woman “accidentally” lodges a TV set inside her cooch, I'm going to write a letter to my congressman. As a society, we've had enough of ladies with loose laps! Begone with them!

Just as all men would rather have a big penis than a small one, all women would rather have a tight vagina than a loose one. If you ask them, this is what they'd say, in these exact words: “Oh, I'd definitely prefer having a tight vagina than a loose one.” So let their words be made flesh! Let our fair damsels have tight vaginas! Bestow unto our women tiny constrictor 'gineys which can rip a penis from the root at will. Give to them the sort of taut, snare-drum snatches upon which you could bounce a dime.

A sleek, tight hoochie-noo-noo provides some of the purest pleasures a man can find on this li'l ball o' earwax called Planet Earth. Old-school sex doctors Masters and Johnson, after scrutinizing thousands of penises and vaginas up close, declared that sexual pleasure was directly proportional how much friction a couple could produce by bumpin' uglies. The bigger the penis or the tighter the vagina, the better the sex. It's a fact. It's also a fact that if you're able to plop your thing inside her without much effort, her hole could probably do with a tune-up. As long as you can get it in, there's no such thing as “too tight.”

But it isn't totally about your pleasure. In many cases, a tighter pussy allows the woman to actually feel that thing you call a dick. She might even have an orgasm finally!

But how is the discriminating lady to know which vaginal-tightening regimen is the best for her own vagina and its unique needs? That's why I've provided this list. I've included several practical things which the tight-vadge-obsessed woman should do, and a few impractical things which she shouldn't.

There’s a reason men of all ages prefer younger women, beyond obvious things such as their fresh skin and pert breasts and refreshing ignorance of the sort of lies which men tell. It’s because young vaginas haven’t been weatherbeaten by the ignoble ravages of age. “Vaginal relaxation” occurs naturally with time as the pelvic muscles grow lax and your once-fair maiden loses her “honeymoon fit.” The vagina increases in diameter. Her twat takes on the gummy looseness of a hippo's mouth, and what you once thought was love dissolves into eternal resentment. However, since there's no known cure for growing old, I’ll shuttle you right off to the next tip…

Although you can't stop growing old, every woman on earth who operates above the level of primate retardation is able to avoid producing offspring. Beyond obvious drawbacks such as the fact that kids scream and wipe their shit on the walls and grow up into bitter delinquents who give you a heart attack and make you rue the day you ever had unprotected sex, the li'l nippers’ entry into this world is accomplished by the near-total ruination of your vaginal integrity. That ten-pound ball of pink regret blows a cannon hole through a previously pristine pussy. But if you insist on breeding, at least slip your pediatrician an extra twenty-spot and have him stitch you back up tight enough to squeeze a Tootsie Roll.

Scientists will tell you that the vagina is made of spongy elastic tissue which can shrink or swell to accommodate nearly anything which invades it. They claim it is impossible for a woman to become “stretched-out” or “loose” after having her vagina pummeled by dozens of penises. Don’t believe them. A woman’s vagina can become irreparably slackened after only one encounter with an above-average wongus.

You think that nobody knows you do it? You think that nobody talks about you doing it? You think that it hasn’t been, like, the sole focus of our water-cooler jokes for the last six months? Quit sticking things in there. You’re gonna blow a gasket.

Dr. Arnold Kegel was an L.A. gyno-doctor who sure loved himself some tight pussy. His “Kegel” exercises, developed in the 1940s, are the Pilates of the Vagina, designed to tone the pubococcygeus (PC) muscle, eventually allowing any average homely woman to wrap her vadge around a man's cock with python-like force. The PC muscle is the same one which controls your flow of urine. Once you are able to isolate this muscle and strengthen it, you will be able to isolate any man and weaken him.

The vaginal-tightening market suffers no shortage of cones, beads, weights, spheres, and steel eggs which any woman can insert halfway up her honey-hole and flex her sugar walls against. They bear such colorful product names as Betty's Barbell, GyneFlex, Smart Balls, and the time-honored Kegelcisor.

Some “vaginal-tightening creams” contain herbal astringents, some are chemically based, and some contain useless compounds which have no effect on a twat’s tautness. Creams containing benzocaine affect the appearance of tightness by numbing the pussy and making it less likely to lubricate, thus superficially seeming tighter. Others feature potassium alum, often used in deodorants, which can actually constrict a woman’s hole. It can also cause rashes and yeast infections, but isn’t it worth it?

Various medical techniques, some employing lasers and others sticking to the cold steel scalpel, are grouped under the life-affirming moniker of “vaginal rejuvenation surgery.” Stretched muscles are joined together and “redundant” skin flaps are removed. There is a slight risk of mortality and a larger risk of infection from such procedures. The husband receives a bill for $5,000 and his wife returns home the same day with a vagina which, when fully healed, will be able to crack walnuts.

An electric prod inserted into the vagina delivers currents which stimulate the pelvic floor and lead to muscular contraction. Over a series of treatments, the woman's tweeter shrinks to a size acceptable to her man.

A patented technology in which the patient sits in a chair while “highly focused pulsed magnetic fields” roll over their crotch, causing the pelvic-floor muscles to contract. After half-hour sessions twice weekly for eight weeks, the woman walks away with a vagina nimble enough to make change for a dollar.





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