A long time ago, in a galaxy not that far away, a strip club was born on a wet and sticky planet called Portland, Oregon. With this strip club came many more strip clubs—each growing bigger, flashier, sexier, and naughtier than each that came before. As the strip-club battalion grew larger and larger, it was only natural that an evil empire or two would rise to power and clash for control of this clothing-deficient utopia.
It all started in 1990 when one young Jedi who liked to masturbate a lot decided to apply his computer-geek skills in a way that might help him score with hot babes. Several years later, the first edition of this magazine was born. The young Jedi rose to power rapidly, and as his empire grew, he brought on numerous apprentices—some from the “dark side,” some from the “light side,” and some were just complete idiots.
One former apprentice (whom we shall call “The Limey”) was so enraged when the empire cast him out (for allegedly being an alcoholic and being rumored to have made unprofessional advances on the young and nubile exotic dancers) that he swore vengeance upon the empire until the day he died. Several years later, the first edition of SUX was born.
So enough with the science fiction for now—most of you know how this story worked out right here on planet Earth. Exotic and SUX held their ground and battled it out mano-a-mano for a good five years—years filled with libelous accusations, price-cutting, backstabbing, employee-swapping, non-compete agreements, rack-stealing and bogus printing statistics.
This went on until another disgruntled Exotic employee jumped ship and launched a national-franchise porn mag named Xcretement. (Unfortunately, that disgruntled employee was me.) The new rag in town lasted about thirty days before I saw what complete bullshit I had gotten myself into, but prior to leaving, I was able to steal another employee from Exotic to replace me by the name of Krakla with a K, who would later manage to hang onto Xcretement through two more mutations (Excretement II and Uncovered) before finally running out of “investors” to milk and leaving as Xcretement was flushed in a puff of white smoke.
Meanwhile, the distraction of the shape-shifting third magazine took its eventual toll on SUX. Even though its third and final version (Uncovered) only lasted for a few months, the financial drain on SUX’s illusory empire led the magazine to desperate measures. SUX’s publisher so cherished his precious magazine of six years that he made it no secret he was so fed-up with the adult industry that he couldn’t stand it anymore and wanted to start a mainstream magazine. So when a former ally of his, who had later gone onto become Portland’s most notorious pimp, put an offer on the table to buy SUX, he jumped at the chance to take his ticket outta Pornland. The second version of SUX was born.
Within ninety days of the transfer of SUX into SUX2 (aka SUX Harder), two major things happen. The Limey gets angered with The Pimp because he isn’t making the agreed-upon payments on time. Wow, what’s the world coming to when you can’t take a pimp on his word? So The Limey reportedly takes action in a way very familiar to him—he “steals” all The Pimp’s magazine racks, dumpster-files all the premiere issues of SUX2, and makes a new friend who just so happens to work at Portland Vice with whom he can exchange pillow talk. Coincidentally, The Pimp flees the state, is later arrested for promoting prostitution, and SUX2 dies of crib death in its first month at the hand of its original father. Shortly thereafter, The Limey’s financial backers in his new mainstream project find him to be such an unbearable ass that they throw him a bone or two to make him go away, leaving Portland’s European Prince of Softporn Publishing powerless and without a magazine. So he resorts to his second-favorite thing—suing people.
So begins a glorious time of peace and joy when Exotic—Portland’s Original Adult Entertainment Magazine—is the only publication left standing. It has now even given birth to a bastard sibling by the name of Exotic Underground in Seattle. All the while, the Limey plots on launching a new magazine to torment his mainstream project from which he’d been excommunicated. Guess what? That doesn’t work out, either. Now this is where I gotta say, “Dude—what the fuck were you thinking?” I feel qualified to speak honestly and accurately on this, as I have been among the most ridiculous magazine whores in this town, as I have worked for every one of them. But I knew when to say enough is enough. Step away from the strippers, and get yourself some help.
Or I suppose you could just live in denial and try something like SUX3? That’s right, boys and girls, it’s back—maybe. I’m sure you’ll be holding this in your hands days before it hits the racks, but The Limey is back. He’s talking the same shit, playing a few nasty tricks, and cuddling with a public official or two, but no matter how many times you polish it off and give it a new start, a turd is a turd. Of course, maybe you could make it even “turdier” by employing a ragtag team of misfit castaways from every other fallen magazine in town who collected money for magazines that never saw the light of day (or magazines that you yourself threw away) from all the customers you are now pursuing for the “new” SUX. Or you could throw up an unsuccessful smokescreen by attempting to shine a negative light at the only magazine that has delivered superior quality, quantity and consistency (13 years’ worth) in publishing amid fly-by-night rivals who come out when it’s convenient and hit the road when things get rough. Maybe that will work…after all, people forget. But it doesn’t take you too long to keep fucking up and making the same mistakes, now does it?
Kicking your ass was always kinda fun, actually. Welcome back!(Erotic City continued from Page 22)
AND NOW…BACK TO THE CRACKIN’.
I feel the need to spend about a paragraph talking about what I was just talking about on that last page, but talking too much about the Return of the Clones is precisely why Erotic City had to go to a page-and-a-half this month, so I digress….Here for your viewing pleasure is a concise summary of all the most-crackin’est events throughout the Rose City in the fine month of May.
IN DA CLUBZ
To start it all off, Exotic is back with a vengeance in the party business, and we’ll be kicking it off at H2O with your first chance to come party with Miss Nude Oregon 2006. You can vote for your favorite at The Miss Nude Oregon Finals at The Dolphin II on Wed., May 10th, then hit the H2O party on the 13th to buy the winner a drink!
The Boom Boom Room’s Booty Shakin’ Contest concludes on Thursday, May 11th, with $1,000 in prizes. Wildcats celebrates a Cinco de Mayo Fiesta and presents a Nude Art Auction on Friday, May 19th. And over at the Pallas, Cinco De Mayo festivities will be poppin’ along with the Pallas Prom Party on Friday, May 20th, plus Free Porn Fridays.
Jody’s Angels return to Portland’s Original Bedstage at Jody’s Bar and Grill on Friday, May 19th with Raspberry Jam. (I never get tired of this one…but dammit, when, oh when, will you bust out the Orange Marmalade?) Stop by The Cabaret’s Pajama Party on Friday, May 26th, where you can wear your pajamas and get in free.
Stars Salem has quite the lineup this month with Sindustry Sundays, which means no cover with your OLCC permit plus a Texas Hold ’Em Tourney every Sunday, Tuesday & Wednesday at 6 & 9pm. The 1st Annual Smoke & Scotch Ball goes down on Thursday, May 11th followed by the “Sink The Pink” War Party: A Tribute to Armed Forces on Saturday, May 20th.
And a big welcome back to City Limits to the pages of Exotic. Now featuring a full bar—that’s right, you heard us—A FULL BAR, full menu, and a feast for the eyes, this month’s covergirl and centerfold, the lovely Sharai.
Be on the lookout for the Grand Opening of Pink Kitty’s West on Friday, May 12th. Valentine Video welcomes you to their wonderful new location at 6935 N. Fessenden. Taboo Video will be opening the doors on their new Gresham store soon, as well as their brand-new remodel at the MLK location, plus a two-year-anniversary in Vancouver, WA. As if that’s not enough, May is Customer Appreciation Month at all Taboo Locations. Stop by and check out the outrageous deals.
CALENDAR OF EVENTS