When you have two very different editorial contributors approaching their advice-column-type thing in two very different ways, and they eventually become adversarial with each other, what is an editor to do? Well, you can either just pick one, or you can try and be a spinmaster and somehow combine their column into one “monster” of an advice column. First we had Aeryn, whose Reality Impaired column was an absolute train wreck of dysfunctional advice for the mentally disabled. And soon after came SexLife with Dane Ballard, an educated and more clinical (as well as licensed) take on sex advice. So the plan is to mix both ingredients, shake well, stand back, and enjoy our all-new feature, HE SAID/SHE SAID.

Dear Underground, I’m in a dilemma. I’m dating this girl that I’m totally in love with (as far as I know), but there’s this “other girl” I met before her and I started dating that I’ve always meant to get around to fucking. So now that the “other girl” knows I’m “in a relationship,” she’s making herself very available to me. Here’s where it gets tricky—both of these girls claim to be bisexual. So should I try for the big triple play and risk pissing off the keeper, or should I just bone the “other girl’’ and hope the girlfriend doesn’t find out? Signed, Three’s A Charm

AERYN SAYS: I think the real question here is weather or not you have enough Viagra to house this little smorgasbord of prick-pleasing pleasure. You’ve got yourself into a mess that the comb of male fantasy has been trying to run its fingers through for years. So excuse me if I have to ask, WHAT’S THE FUCKING PROBLEM!?!
I’ll answer this for you. The problem is that the suggestion “If you ever want to have another girl, come join us” is a trick produced by the deceptive female mind to see if they measure up to fulfill all of your desires on their own. She’s testing your peni-brain to see how it measures up to your trust factor. Should you say, “No, honey…you’re all I need,” you might have just slammed the door on her insecurities for good, but you also could miss out on having your very own little depraved theatre of fuck-puppets dancing to appease your loins. Or worse, should you choose to let go of this other woman who is anxious to let her panties drop, it’ll be in the back of your mind in a lubed-up doggy-style position every time the one you ‘love’ pisses you off, farts in bed, or buys you the wrong kind of cigarettes. The main dilemma to your problem is the fact that there’s no way out of this one without risking regret or a good, clean kick in the taint from the one you love.
Before you go throwing yourself to the swinger’s mosh pit, there’s a couple of things you need to consider: 1) The sanity of the other woman who doesn’t care if you’re in a relationship. This maps out drama better than Rand McNally… and 2.) While both women may be bisexual, they never agreed to sleep with each other AND you at the same time, not to mention that most of the bisexual women I know are heinously picky about the women they choose. Especially when it comes to sharing their man with another scandalous puffy pink sausage wallet. 3.) How do you know if the other woman is good in bed and worth the hassle? Well, the answer here is obvious: Pawn her off to my Casa de Butt Hut for a hedonistic weekend of deviation, and I’ll let you know if she’s worth it. I’m good like that.
It all comes down to this simple fact: You can be up to your elbows in bitch meat, but if you ain’t got love, you ain’t got shit. AERYN HAS SPOKEN.

DANE SAYS: Well, TAS, it would seem that today is your lucky day. Not only did Aeryn honor you with an offer to road-test your “bisexual” girls (something she is licensed and bonded for, I might add), but she was uncharacteristically merciful and generous in answering your question—a question that is, in my opinion, total bullshit.
First of all, people who are “totally in love” with someone DO NOT follow up their proclamations of love with the statement “as far as I know.” Secondly, dropping the sentence, “Here’s where it gets tricky” when bringing up that both girls are bisexual is a ridiculously transparent attempt to play it cool while spicing up your letter. This hokey tactic would never have fooled me—or Aeryn, frankly—but our publisher is a sucker for cheeseballs (that’s how I got this job, after all), so we got stuck answering your question.
I’m not necessarily claiming that you’re making the whole thing up. What I’m saying is that you’re filling your otherwise honest inquiry with a bunch of flotsam that you think makes your question sound edgy. So I’m going to try to ignore for a second your attempt to sound underground. I’ll instead attempt to mine the legitimate issues out of the steaming pile that is your question.
The first issue is: Why is this girl into you all of a sudden? It never ceases to amaze me how eager some members of the opposite sex seem to be in wanting to fuck you once it’s not OK anymore for you to fuck them. There are some differing schools of thought as to why this happens. The first say that when we are in a relationship we are more confident and secure. A regular partner makes us feel good about ourselves, and we stop doing jackass things trying to impress people. Amazingly enough, most of us come off as more attractive when we are just being ourselves, so it’s possible that this girl is finally seeing the real you and is now interested. Another school of thought says that it’s just part of human nature that people want what they can’t have. Maybe she’s making herself “available” because now that you’re not, she sees you as more valuable. There is yet another school of thought on the subject, though…I think it was German behavioral psychologist Han J. Eysenck that said “crazy bitches like to fuck up other people’s good relationships and most guys are dumb enough to let them.” Or maybe it was my mom who said that…but either way, the reality is that some people have low self-esteem and think that if they steal you away they will feel better about themselves.
Honestly, I think that in your case it’s probably a combination of factors that just add up to a train wreck waiting to happen. If you are really in love with this girl and she’s good to you (plus is bi and willing to fuck other girls with you), then why in the hell would you risk that to hook up with some girl whose interest in you is in all likelihood very temporary? Not to mention, it’s pretty clear that your interest in her is based on those same shaky theories. You “always meant to get around to fucking her?” What the hell does that mean? As for the “Triple Play,” that sounds WAY out of your league to orchestrate, man. It’s tricky under the best of situations. If you’re smart, you’ll let your girlfriend pick someone she wants to play with at first…and not suggest some old flame of yours to play with. If she gets a vibe that you’re too eager for this specific girl, or that this girl has designs on you, it will blow up in your face.
And as for the last part of your question…should you cheat on her? Yeah, sure, why not, cause, you know, that’s worked out SO well for thousands of guys before you. That’s exactly what I mean about this being a bullshit question. The fact is you already know the answer to the question of “should I cheat?”—everyone does. The real question is if you decide to go ahead and cheat anyway, what do you risk losing, and is it worth it?