When you have two very different editorial contributors
approaching their advice-column-type thing in two very
different ways, and they eventually become adversarial
with each other, what is an editor to do? Well, you can either just
pick one, or you can try and be a spinmaster and somehow combine
their column into one “monster” of an advice column. First
we had Aeryn, whose Reality Impaired column was an absolute
train wreck of dysfunctional advice for the mentally disabled.
And soon after came SexLife with Dane Ballard, an educated
and more clinical (as well as licensed) take on sex advice. So
the plan is to mix both ingredients, shake well, stand back, and
enjoy our all-new feature, HE SAID/SHE SAID.
I’m in a dilemma. I’m dating this girl that I’m totally in love with
(as far as I know), but there’s this “other girl” I met before her and
I started dating that I’ve always meant to get around to fucking. So
now that the “other girl” knows I’m “in a relationship,” she’s making
herself very available to me. Here’s where it gets tricky—both
of these girls claim to be bisexual. So should I try for the big triple
play and risk pissing off the keeper, or
should I just bone the “other girl’’ and
hope the girlfriend doesn’t find out?
Three’s A Charm
AERYN SAYS: I think the real question here is weather
or not you have enough Viagra to house
this little smorgasbord of prick-pleasing
pleasure. You’ve got yourself into a mess
that the comb of male fantasy has been trying
to run its fingers through for years. So
excuse me if I have to ask, WHAT’S THE
I’ll answer this for you. The problem is
that the suggestion “If you ever want to
have another girl, come join us” is a trick
produced by the deceptive female mind to see if they measure up to fulfill all of
your desires on their own. She’s testing your peni-brain to see how it measures
up to your trust factor. Should you say, “No, honey…you’re all I need,” you
might have just slammed the door on her insecurities for good, but you also
could miss out on having your very own little depraved theatre of fuck-puppets
dancing to appease your loins. Or worse, should you choose to let go of this
other woman who is anxious to let her panties drop, it’ll be in the back of your
mind in a lubed-up doggy-style position every time the one you ‘love’ pisses you
off, farts in bed, or buys you the wrong kind of cigarettes. The main dilemma
to your problem is the fact that there’s no way out of this one without risking
regret or a good, clean kick in the taint from the one you love.
Before you go throwing yourself to the swinger’s mosh pit, there’s a couple
of things you need to consider: 1) The sanity of the other woman who doesn’t
care if you’re in a relationship. This maps out drama better than Rand
McNally… and 2.) While both women may be bisexual, they never agreed to
sleep with each other AND you at the same time, not to mention that most
of the bisexual women I know are heinously picky about the women they
choose. Especially when it comes to sharing their man with another scandalous
puffy pink sausage wallet. 3.) How do you know if the other woman is
good in bed and worth the hassle? Well, the answer here is obvious: Pawn her
off to my Casa de Butt Hut for a hedonistic weekend of deviation, and I’ll let
you know if she’s worth it. I’m good like that.
It all comes down to this simple fact: You can be up to your elbows in bitch
meat, but if you ain’t got love, you ain’t got shit. AERYN HAS SPOKEN.
DANE SAYS: Well, TAS, it would seem that today is your lucky day. Not only did Aeryn
honor you with an offer to road-test your “bisexual” girls (something she
is licensed and bonded for, I might add), but she was uncharacteristically
merciful and generous in answering your question—a question that is, in my
opinion, total bullshit.
First of all, people who are “totally in love” with someone DO NOT follow
up their proclamations of love with the statement “as far as I know.”
Secondly, dropping the sentence, “Here’s where it gets tricky” when bringing
up that both girls are bisexual is a ridiculously transparent attempt to play it
cool while spicing up your letter. This hokey tactic would never have fooled
me—or Aeryn, frankly—but our publisher is a sucker for cheeseballs (that’s
how I got this job, after all), so we got stuck answering your question.
I’m not necessarily claiming that you’re making the whole thing up.
What I’m saying is that you’re filling your otherwise honest inquiry with a
bunch of flotsam that you think makes your question sound edgy. So I’m
going to try to ignore for a second your attempt to sound underground. I’ll
instead attempt to mine the legitimate issues out of the steaming pile that is
The first issue is: Why is this girl into you all of a sudden? It never ceases
to amaze me how eager some members of the opposite sex seem to be in
wanting to fuck you once it’s not OK anymore for you to fuck them. There are
some differing schools of thought as to why
this happens. The first say that when we
are in a relationship we are more confident
and secure. A regular partner makes us feel
good about ourselves, and we stop doing
jackass things trying to impress people.
Amazingly enough, most of us come off as
more attractive when we are just being ourselves,
so it’s possible that this girl is finally
seeing the real you and is now interested.
Another school of thought says that it’s
just part of human nature that people want
what they can’t have. Maybe she’s making
herself “available” because now that
you’re not, she sees you as more valuable.
There is yet another school of thought on
the subject, though…I think it was German
behavioral psychologist Han J. Eysenck that said “crazy bitches like to fuck
up other people’s good relationships and most guys are dumb enough to let
them.” Or maybe it was my mom who said that…but either way, the reality is
that some people have low self-esteem and think that if they steal you away
they will feel better about themselves.
Honestly, I think that in your case it’s probably a combination of factors
that just add up to a train wreck waiting to happen. If you are really in
love with this girl and she’s good to you (plus is bi and willing to fuck other
girls with you), then why in the hell would you risk that to hook up with
some girl whose interest in you is in all likelihood very temporary? Not to
mention, it’s pretty clear that your interest in her is based on those same
shaky theories. You “always meant to get around to fucking her?” What
the hell does that mean? As for the “Triple Play,” that sounds WAY out of
your league to orchestrate, man. It’s tricky under the best of situations. If
you’re smart, you’ll let your girlfriend pick someone she wants to play with
at first…and not suggest some old flame of yours to play with. If she gets a
vibe that you’re too eager for this specific girl, or that this girl has designs
on you, it will blow up in your face.
And as for the last part of your question…should you cheat on her? Yeah,
sure, why not, cause, you know, that’s worked out SO well for thousands of
guys before you. That’s exactly what I mean about this being a bullshit question.
The fact is you already know the answer to the question of “should I
cheat?”—everyone does. The real question is if you decide to go ahead and
cheat anyway, what do you risk losing, and is it worth it?