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xmag.com : September 2006 : Another Lonely Night

Mel Gibson continues his crusade against the Jews, this time out in a drunken stupor instead of directing a movie. After getting smashed at Moonshadows, his favorite Malibu watering hole, Gibson declined offers from employees to get him a cab or drive him home, jumped in his Lexus and got stopped for clocking 87MPH in a 45 zone. He got in an argument with the deputy who stopped him, called him a “motherfucker,” boasted he “owns Malibu,” and then went into his main theme. “Are you a Jew?” he asked the deputy, adding, “The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.” He was taken down to the station house where his tirade continued, glancing over at a female deputy asking, “What do you think you’re looking at, sugar tits?” All this came out initially on a gossipy celeb website, tmz.com. Mel may have gone deeper into his theme with the deputy who arrested him. According to TMZ, the Malibu police chief—a buddy of Mel’s—had the deputy write another report with the full anti-Semitic tirade that has not yet been disclosed. As of this writing that is speculation, but if true, it will likely come out down the road. After his release and all the publicity, Mel quickly apologized, blabbed on about not hating Jews, you know, just stupid comments when drunk. Of course people say ridiculous things when they are loaded that they later regret. But here’s the problem: Not many drunks would start ranting about fucking Jews when they get pulled over by a cop. No, all this does is confirm what everybody already knows: Mel has an, uh, “issue” with the Jews. This was best exemplified in his magnificent porn epic, The Passion of the Christ, a Christian slasher epic. Jesus gets whipped and flayed, mashed and whacked. Porn tosses off one fuckfest after another; so too, The Passion wallows in a series of bloody agonies and nothing else. Mel’s version of the crucifixion is a money shot that will endure until the Rapture is upon us. At one point down at the police station Mel did have a moment of self-reflection. “My life is fucked,” he moaned. He realized he didn’t “own Malibu” after all. (Likely in his twisted brain, the Jews own Malibu.) I doubt his life is fucked. He is a terrific actor and more roles will follow, despite the fact that his hatred of the Jews is not an act. Mel is a devoted member of a small reactionary crackpot Catholic splinter group not unlike Opus Dei, the organization featured in Dan Brown’s novel turned into a blockbuster movie, The DaVinci Code. For penance, Mel should watch the porn spin-off from Hustler: The DaVinci Load, directed by Jerome Tanner. The script writer, Nelson X, knew what he was doing, playing off the plot with some wonderful comic turns. The DVD begins with detectives investigating the murder of museum curator James Dubois. The phrase “Teabag Nadia Saint” is written in sperm found under the curator’s body. One of the detectives, played by Hustler honeypot Haley Page, knows that Nadia, played by Missy Monroe, is in fact a “Penile Profiler” who teaches a class in “divine ejaculation.” Nice setup! We cut to Missy Monroe’s class, where she demonstrates at length a series of blow jobs, allowing her to get closer to God through divine ejaculations in her warm mouth. Later, we are clued into the reason the curator wrote Teabag Nadia Saint with his own sperm. This is a bit convoluted, but it boils down to the fact that Leonardo Da Vinci himself painted the Mona Lisa with his own sperm. At last, we have solved the great mystery of Mona Lisa’s smile, although best to ignore the problem of how he blew out sperm of many colors. Piling on the absurdities, the murder case gets solved by tracking down a group of girls, with Eva Angelina playing the leader of the pack who call themselves “The Priority of Semen.” Seems they ripped off the Mona Lisa so they could use the sperm on it to clone another DaVinci. This leads to, but of course, a girl gang bang among the Priority of Semen. Mel may never see this, but I highly recommend it for your lonely nights.




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