10. A New Media Sensation
Due to a tragic accident, your genitalia are shredded by a passing hovercraft. Due to the vagaries of modern media, you become a woeful waif and modern medical science works overtime to restore you to your God-given abilities. Due to a freak DNA match, you are given the reproductive organs of a tiger. In addition to an increased and slightly vicious sex drive, you now have the ability to lick them yourself.
9. The Breakthrough of the Ages
Cells from your genitalia happen to contain cancer-fighting properties. Millions of people all over the world are fighting to get some and you find yourself barricaded into your own home by the teeming millions. Just as you are about to hopelessly blow your own reproductive happiness and the health of millions of people away with a slingshot, a secret billionaire offers to rent them from you for a sum that has so many zeroes in it, you can't help but faint. He spirits you away to a Swiss chalet where skilled doctors and attractive members of the opposite sex vie for your attentions day and night.
8. Convicting a Psychopath
Your genitalia have been uniquely identified as containing clues leading to the conviction of a crazed psychopath who photographs his victims while they lie nude and unconscious. Only the sudden appearance of Jay Leno on television startled your assailant, thus saving your life and convicting him to fourteen consecutive life sentences. The Mayor of Portland awards you an unusually-shaped medallion.
7. Representing Your Species
N.A.S.A. has called and out of nearly five billion people, your genitalia were selected as the most representative of the race and therefore they want to make bronze castings and ship them out on the next deep space exploratory rocket, along with a gold record describing your measurements, turn-ons, turn-offs, using prime numbers and a code derived from the Periodic Table of the Elements. It will also contain a stellar map to your house and your erogenous zones.
6. Educational for Children
A stuffed version of your genitalia, complete with plastic rolling eyes and soft green fur, becomes the most popular children's toy on the market, beating out the Ninja Turtles, the Power Rangers, Barbie and the Self- Squirting Electric Wee-Wee Doll combined. Soon, your genitalia are featured on a Saturday Morning animated kids' show, ending each episode with an Important Life Lesson in Kindness. You inspire a new ride at Disneyland.
5. An Inspirational Moment
The mere suggestion that you were sexually endowed in any way has caused His Holiness to immediately have photocopies of your reproductive treasures faxed to the Vatican. In a Papal Bull, the Pontiff rescinds all doctrine against fornication, provided the organs in question resemble yours closely enough. Priests are instructed to judge the match appropriately. Nuns swoon at your presence.
4. The Fourth Beatle
Paul McCartney has requested that a gigantic hologram of your genitalia be displayed above the stage at their next concert. You become an overnight sensation and the image of your holographic genitalia not only adorns the cover of every fashion magazine, but becomes the point of discussion in numerous talk shows, including Sally Jesse Raphael, where it is examined in detail by leading sex therapists.
3. In Homes Everywhere
Radio Shack develops a clock that resembles your genitalia, although it happens to be smaller by a factor of five. In addition to telling the time in twelve different time zones, it has fourteen alarms, a calculator, a compass, a laser rangefinder, a stopwatch and countdown timer and will occasionally make a sound a lot like a cat under a tire, but not as pleasant. It will retail for $49.99 and will require a $12.99 battery adapter to power it from an ordinary house socket.
2. The Government's Secret Weapon
While on clandestine maneuvers in Guatemala, your genitals are blown off by an enemy sniper. Government scientists, fed by money freed up in the cancellation of the Star Wars Defense Program, construct bionic genitals for you. In addition to firing .44 slugs, you can mace an enemy, cause their brain to melt with sonic power and slice them in half with a pelvis- controlled CO2 laser.
1. The Truth is Out There
A UFO descends upon the sleepy valley where you live and in a flash of light, abducts you from your panel truck. You lose four days and are found naked in Heber, Arizona, muttering about "The King". Aside from an unusual sliver of metal up your nose and a propensity to dream Ted Turner movies in black and white, your genitalia now taste like chocolate, with just a touch of raspberry. You become very popular at candy stores featuring adult themes. Your life is forever filled with bliss and saliva.