What if He’d Worn a Fig Leaf?
Mark Jesionowski taught at Central Catholic HIgh School for 13 years without learning what any good Catholic knows: human nudity is evil. The Toledo, Ohio art and religion teacher learned the hard way exactly what his contract’s morals clause included. Father Michael Billian asked the 43-year old artist to resign after he discovered that Jesionowski moonlighted in a manner not in keeping with that of a role model to teenagers. His dirty crime? He works as a nude model for art classes in the evenings. “If I’m going to draw someone else nude, I want to know what it feels like on the other side of the pencil,” the unrepentant sinner explained. Doesn’t he understand? If God had wanted us to be naked, he wouldn’t have invented fashion trends.

But They Said We’d Be Safe in Private School!
David Cobb was a dream teacher (so you know he had secrets) for 27 years at the exclusive prep school, Phillips Academy. Teaching was theater to him and he often dressed as literary characters for his English class. That sort of fantasy acting will come in handy while the 59-year old serves his 8 to 15 years in prison for attempted sexual assault, 53 counts of displaying child pornography and 268 counts of possessing child pornography. Yowch! Cobb argued that his photos shouldn’t count as kiddie porn because they were cut-and-paste jobs...kid heads from clothing catalogs placed on adult porn bodies. While he might have a distasteful point...he still has additional charges of molestation, of 9-year old and 12-year old boys, to explain away.

Another Ex-Teacher...But No Sex Crime. Yet.
No wonder Ted Kaczynski (aka the Unabomber) was so obsessed with recreating the Big Bang: he’s a virgin! Letters to a mystery woman named Tess, found in his humble woodland shack, reveal his intention to stop taking matters in his own hands and gain some sexual healing from the tender lady. Although he happily noted that celibacy and masturbation help “curb sexual appetites and reduce[s] the spread of the HIV virus” he also identified that most erotic of all cities, Salt Lake City, as the destination for his first wrangle with the sloppy weasel of love. Not an unattractive man, the brilliant mathematician will find plenty of volunteers to pop his cherry once he gets settled into the Big House.

This Won’t Be Held Against Them In Judging, Right?
I wish more athletes would be as patriotic as 17 members of the summer Olympic team. With a nod to the Olympians of ancient Greece, this year’s Olympians are appearing in the July issue of Life without their clothes on. “Naked Power, Amazing Grace: A photographic celebration of the Olympic body” will feature photo-essays of track gods Carl Lewis, Gwen Torrence, Jackie Joyner-Kersee, Michael Johnson and Gail Devers as well as synchronized swimmers Nathalie Schneyder and Margot Thien, as well as Sharon Monplaisir. Staff photographer, Joe McNally insists that “There’s nothing racy about these pictures.” Maybe so, but some of us can get off on photos that don’t include genital exposure. Or nudity, for that matter.

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