10. A National Tragedy
Raise your flag (you do have a flag, don’t you?) to half-mast. When your neighbor (or other concerned persons) ask why, burst into tears, crying out inconsolably, “I just can’t stand it anymore! The tragedy – the tragedy!”

9. High Flyin’ Freedom
Purchase an inflatable love doll (with realistic vibrating vagina or penis!) and paint it red, white and blue (after a suitable breaking in period, of course). Fill your newfound friend with hydrogen gas and send him or her aloft to share your festive holiday spirit with local airplane pilots and weathermen.

8. The Roots of Our Independence, Part 1
Find someone who is British and glare at them all day, rubbing your hands together fitfully and muttering. If they hear any words from you that are coherent, they should be something along the lines of “I’ve got your freedom right here, pal...” At night, before lighting off any fireworks, ask them for their home address.

7. Do-It-Yourself Celebrations
It is truly unfortunate that so many fun fireworks and other forms of incendiary entertainment are illegal. On the other hand, kerosene, gasoline, butane, threaded pipe, tennis balls and gunpowder are totally legal. Hint, hint, hint...

6. First Amendment Fun
Appear downtown, wearing the American flag as a diaper and passing out tracts entitled “Why Americans Suck and How to Effectively Kill Them in Large Enough Numbers to be Satisfactory.” Also, hand out fabricated tickets to such an event, happening later that evening in the County Court House, just after the Paula Prentiss Film Festival. If you are approached by authorities, blame Larry.

5. Accelerated Celebrations
Many people believe that anything rocket-powered should have a pointy nose and stubby, swept-back fins and that simply isn’t the case. With a little duct tape and a little wire, perhaps a daub of epoxy for good measure, anything can be rocket-powered. Be creative!

4. Raise the Flag
Have an American flag (the one with all 50 stars, scaredy-cat!) tattooed on your penis (or the penis of a loved one or the penis of a passed-out stranger – whatever). Play Iwo Jima and see how many people it takes to raise the flag.

3. The Rocket’s Red Glare
While most any firework worth paying for has been outlawed in Oregon, it is nevertheless possible for a person to acquire powerful incendiary devices of truly gut-splattering intensity. A thoughtful, considerate person would never play pranks with these devices such as strapping one under an exhaust manifold, flushing it down the toilet or detonating the occasional lawn gnome. Oh, never!

2. The Roots of Our Independence, Part 2
Wear camouflage. Hide in the bushes with a single-shot flint rifle. Shoot anyone wearing red, especially if they’re in lines with anyone else wearing red or wearing a funny hat. Blame the existing infrastructure as they drag you away.

And The Number One Way to Celebrate the Forth of July...

1. A Divorce Decree
Let that special someone know how much you care by making that personal effort and spending the $60 bucks on the do-it-yourself kit. They’ll appreciate your thoughtfulness and you’ll prosper from it as well. Why do you think they call it Independence Day, anyway?

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