The Wages of Sin are $10
Western Idaho has never been billed as an intellectual or cultural mecca...and now we know why. Amanda Smisek, a pregnant 17-year-old Emmett resident was found guilty of the misdemeanor crime of “fornication” recently and fined $10 and placed on three years probation. Gem County Magistrate Judge Gordon Petrie, who apparently never gets laid, fished the 1921 anti-fornication law out of some forgotten lawbook and nailed Smisek with it after she had applied for government assistance. Smisek gave birth the day after her conviction. The Idaho code labels all acts of sexual intercourse between unmarried persons of the opposite sex, of any age, as fornication. Smisek’s boyfriend was not brought up on charges.

But Did He Safeword?
Ever wondered if anyone answers those S&M personals in sex mags? Well, a 55-year-old Burbank, CA man discovered that people really do...but not always the people you were hoping for. Our hero was thrilled when a female respondent arrived at his home, stripped him, handcuffed him, and strapped him to his playroom proctology table. Then she placed a hood over his head and began, with the help an assistant, to really show him who was Top. A letter carrier heard him calling for help the next day and freed him so he could view his freshly robbed house. Ouch.

Man of Steel, Woman of Virginity
Everyone who gives a damn about Brooke Shields’ hymen raise their hand. The pouty, natural eyebrow wearing actress, once famous for her portrayal of a child prostitute in Pretty Baby has confessed that, in spite of her current image of offscreen purity, she sacrificed her virginity on the altar of love when she was 18. And who was the lucky man? Dean Cain, a 17-year-old unknown attending Princeton University. Now he’s known as Clark Kent in The New Adventures of Superman. Even while boasting, Brooke coyly admits regrets. “Virginity is sacred...I believe sex is the greatest gift a woman can give to a man.” Gee, and I thought it was a blow job.

It Worked for the Kennedys...Why Not the Clintons?
Author Roger Morris claims the Clintons are pretty free and easy when it comes to sex, in his new book Partners in Power: the Clintons and Their America. According to Morris, President Clinton had 20 long-running affairs, multiple one-night stands and snorted cocaine with a beauty queen...and that’s just while he was Governor of Arkansas. But there’s more! Oral sex in the parking lot of his daughter’s school and drug experiences with his half-brother Roger. But Hillary, according to Morris, is no slouch. He claims that she and White House lawyer Vince Foster had a romantic interlude. Vince’s suicide three years ago is still under investigation. Breaking up is hard to do?

Then Rocky Raccoon Went Back to His Room...
Maybe Tennessee needs more unrelated females? Peter King, a 37-year-old lumberjack found himself in quite a spot...literally. Having been diagnosed with rabies, he had no choice but to explain how he’d been keeping that happy smile on his face lately. See, there was this really cute raccoon and things sort of got out of hand... But the Jasper timberman strongly denied the charges of animal cruelty leveled against him. His fluffy lover was already in raccoon heaven when they made sweet love. Ewwww, indeed.