The Top Ten Ways to Keep Cool This Summer...
(If You’re a Serial Killer)

10. Avoid Dehydration
Drinking diuretics such as tea and coffee can leave you with a constant urge to urinate, which can seriously affect your concentration during a stalk. Furthermore, the dry mouth and throat which can result from overuse of such substances will leave your breath distinctively strong and may possibly warn nearby victims.

9. Stay Indoors
This really ought to go without saying, but the fewer people seeing you and what you do, generally the less you’ll be noticed. Crawlspaces and basements, while they serve as excellent hiding places for bodies (and parts thereof) and are very cool to hang out in, nevertheless pose a serious problem when discovered by the authorities or snooping neighbors. Balance your personal comfort with your personal safety.

8. Avoid too Much Outdoor Exertion from 11am to 3pm.
This is really the hottest part of the day and it’s simply to your advantage to avoid exerting yourself unnecessarily during it. One of the more dire possibilities is that you could suffer a heat stroke during a crucial moment, such as administering a killing blow and, even for a moment, pass out. At best, you could lose a victim. At worst...?

7. Keep Wet
A quick dip in a lake or pool is extremely refreshing and can act almost instantly to cool your body down after heavy exertion, such as dismemberment or dragging more than two bodies a fair distance. Additionally, a quick swim in a lake can help you ascertain if the bottom is deep enough to hide what you need to hide from prying eyes until Mother Nature takes it back.

6. Schedule Evening Activities
In addition to avoiding the sun’s searing heat, you’ll find that more people are electing to wander alone along roads and alleys in the evening. The warm summer nights are perfect times to meet single gals out walking the occasional small and inoffensive dog, or perhaps just jogging off the day’s frustrations.

5. Dress Cool
Usually a light, button-down shirt, solid-colored and a pair of loose shorts, probably khaki. Witnesses tend to forget people wearing such things fairly quickly, so your chances of being remembered are slim. Also, be sure to use common brands, as forensic scientists such as Quincy can track blood-stained Armani shorts more readily than K-Mart boxers.

4. Use a Sunscreen
Stalkers often bear distinctive sunburns and, unless your day job involves lots of driving, it will become more and more difficult to explain that “driver’s burn” to your co-workers. It’s bad enough explaining the half-moon cuts on your knuckles and the scratches on your cheeks. Use a high protection number, such as 10 to 15 and be sure to wash it off carefully every evening before retiring – the odor is distinctive.

3. Take Frequent Naps
Your life is already a series of on-again, off-again relationships and there’s no need to further complicate things by depriving yourself of sleep. While you’re planning nighttime activities, do be sure to sneak catnaps during the day. You would be surprised at how refreshed and ready for action you’ll feel.

2. Use Eye Protection
It is common knowledge only among health workers that the eyes are a simple infection route. You must always be careful to wear eye protection when in the presence of such pathogen-transmitting agents as blood, pus or semen. If your goggles or glasses are knocked away by thrashing limbs, do take the time to replace them. Hepatitis is not a fun thing.

1. Avoid Rush Hour on the Freeways
There’s nothing quite as frustrating as trying to get to that shallow grave-site you’ve been preparing all week and then being stuck on the middle of Interstate 5 while that bloated corpse begins steaming in the hot midday sun and the asshole in front of you is paying more attention to the station he’s tuning in than the goddamn road.

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This is reprinted from Exotic Magazine © 1996 X Publishing