The Top Ten Uses for a Used Condom

10. Untouched by Human Hands
After a quick rinse and blow dry, use five on each hand as budget finger cots. Handle delicate glassware and sensitive scientific instruments with impunity and without worrying about leaving behind a slick of sticky finger oil.

9. Tunes Aplenty
Cut off the reservoir tip, but pinch it gently back together with the thumbs and forefingers of each hand. Now hum into the open end. It’ll take practice, as all good things do, but you’ll soon discover you have a high-quality instrument capable of a greater pitch range and more melodious texture than other bargain instruments, such as kazoos or grass blades.

8. Slingshot Refills
It’s hard enough to replace those weird little cups directly from the manufacturer and, sure enough, after only a few hours out on a vigorous hunt, they just crack up and disintegrate on you. Now, replacement is not only simple and fun, but the handy reservoir tip holds up to 23% more ammunition!

7. Extra Fiber in Your Diet
Slice into sections and mix with your meatloaf, hamburger, ground chicken or just about any other dish. Adds a delicious, chewy texture and doesn’t clash with your food’s natural flavor or aroma. Eventually, you may use it as an entire side dish!

6. Party Favors
Keep a bowl by the door and encourage each guest who arrives to help themselves – there’s plenty to go around! If you thought ordinary balloons inflated well, you haven’t seen the half of it. Additionally, freshly used condoms tend to form their own “Safety-Seal.” Not for children under the age of 6.

5. Reduce – Reuse – Recycle!
It’s latex – it’s tough stuff! After a quick swish through warm soapy water and perhaps a few seconds of drying at the business end of a cool – not hot – hair dryer, you’ll find your condom is a trusted friend that’s ready to help you get right back in the saddle without hardly missing a stroke.

4. Cat Galoshes
At last your pussy can stay warm, dry and clean while it roams a neighborhood fraught with puddles and other wet, unmentionable pitfalls. Why pay top dollar for hoity-toity custom appliances when you’ve got the same thing free and ready to go?

3. Bait
Slice `em, freeze `em, hook `em and wait. You’ll be stunned at the babies you pull in with these on your line. Joey Mackin of Lafayette, GA, has this to say: “Hell, `tweren’t until I started cuttin’ rubber that I started haulin’ in such damn big fish. They love the stuff!” You and your family will, too.

2. Freezer Storage
Especially handy for single-serving portions, a condom’s tough latex sheath keeps your meal fresh and tasty while avoiding that nasty freezer burn and the concomitant heartache.

1. Censored
By order of the Surgeon General, this item had to be deleted in the interests of National Health. Although the national office is currently preparing a public policy statement addressing just such a potential hazard, said statement may not be released until Spring, 1997. It may suffice to know that it was damn funny anyway.

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This is reprinted from Exotic Magazine © 1996 X Publishing