Mars Needs Women and Earth Needs Insurance
Worried about those alien rectal probes now that you’ve seen Independence Day? Well, worry no more! A British insurance broker, Goodfellow Rebecca Ingrams Pearson (GRIP) is now offering the first policies ever against impregnation by alien beings. For a mere $155 (100 pounds) a year British adults can insure themselves against two kinds of alien transgression: abduction nets the victim 100,000 pounds, impregnation (insurable against by both men and women) is double that. While the risk is low, there’s comfort in knowing that one can protect oneself in these dangerous times. American’s will be pleased to know that although they cannot yet insure against impregnation, some U.S. insurers do extend coverage for abduction. Tell that to those microbial Martian comet hitchhikers.

Parenting On the Straight and Narrow
After Mary and John Ward divorced, their daughter, Cassey, continued to live with her mom. Last summer things changed for the 12-year-old Florida resident. A three-judge panel of the 1st District Court of Appeals concluded that Judge Joseph Tarbuch was correct in concluding that continued living with Cassey’s mother, a lesbian, would be detrimental to the adolescent. The judge then revoked Mary’s custody, saying Cassey needed a chance to live in a"nonlesbian world.” The world the girl is living in now is supervised by her father, convicted of second-degree murder in 1974. He served eight years in prison and doubtlessly took many classes in parenting. Another blow for (to?) children’s rights.

Maybe Freedom Will Come to America Some Day
Five years ago you couldn’t (legally) buy a copy of Playboy Magazine in South Africa. Sex education was illegal and the country denied AIDS existed within the country’s borders. But now the more enlightened government of president Nelson Mandela is proposing the legalization of all forms of pornography, except that depicting bestiality, extreme violence or exploitation of children under 16. At the same time, parliamentary benes now extend to lawmakers’ homosexual, live-in and polygamous partners. Meanwhile, back in the United States we’re trying to outlaw pornography, abortion, free speech and gay rights while promoting prayer and creationism in school. Be patriotic, rent an X-rated movie while you still can. (And vote No on 31.)

How Much is Your Dick Worth?
Steven St. Croix, genitally gifted American porn star working for Vivid Video, just bought himself a new road racing motorcycle (capable of reaching 200 mph). To celebrate, Vivid has purchased Mr. St. Croix’s penis a 51 million insurance policy in case Steven takes a spill while riding and injures his tool of the trade. The policy, to be exact, covers Vivid in the event that St. Croix suffers "accidental bodily injury resulting in the physical severance of his genitalia.” I wonder if the coverage extends to alien impregnation?

Really Dirty Dancers
The Brockton, MA City Council has a very special place for adult entertainment. Anyone interested in opening a strip club is welcome to do so, and the city has even reserved a space for it: right next to the sewage treatment plant. Not everyone thinks this is a bad idea. Workers at the Advanced Reclamation Facility say they think it sounds great. While the council can’t ban adult entertainment outright, it can joyfully cook up outrageous places for it to be allowed by using zoning laws. An idea coming to a city near you?

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