What is it with honor students this year? What is it with anti-drug paranoia? A 13-year-old Humble, TX honor student blatantly ignored all of the excellent DARE propaganda her school has worked so hard to force upon her by recklessly endangering fellow students by having a bottle of Advil in her backpack. Fortunately, drug-sniffing dogs found the offending container of over-the-counter pain medicine in Brook Olson's locker and her school authorities handed out righteous punishment: one day of suspension. Olson, clearly a future drug kingpin, claimed to have placed the drugs in her pack on Sunday and forgot to take them out before school. This teen-drug tragedy occurred the same week that another honor student shamelessly gave a Midol to a menstruating fellow student. When will the horror stop?

Cardinal Maurice Otunga of Kenya has a unique solution to the AIDS epidemic. On August 31st the Roman Catholic clergyman gathered approximately 250 of the faithful together for prayer and song by the flickering light of a fire which consumed condoms and safe-sex literature. This enlightened approach to the worldwide crisis took place in a country where one out of every 26 Kenyans is HIV positive.

After a strenuous day of frog gigging, Thurston Poole, 33 and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Arkansas, were heading home for a well-earned rest. Sometime before midnight a headlight fuse burned out and Wallis, being particularly ingenious, noticed that a .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box. The makeshift fuse worked fine until it overheated 20 miles later and, just before crossing the White River Bridge, discharged, coming to rest in Poole's right testicle. The truck, understandably, went out of control, striking a tree. Other than his damaged man-sack (and a dose of humiliation), Poole sustained only minor cuts and abrasions. Wallis received a broken clavicle for his trouble. Poole's wife, upon hearing about her husband's accident, inquired as to the number of frogs caught and what their condition was after the wreck. Ain't love beautiful?

Are Sacramento sex clients stupid, illiterate, or just in a big hurry? A recent anti-prostitution sting, which prominently featured signs displayed on police cars and a paddy wagon, each reading "Prostitution Decoy Operation in Progress", managed to snag 10 unwary, horny men. Guess they just weren't reading the signs of the times.

Once upon a time, Sean M. Clark owned a 1969 blue Ford pickup with a vanity plate reading "69" and nobody minded. After a few years, he sold the pickup and bought another Ford, this time a 1976 model. He kept his commemorative Oregon Trail plate. This time somebody cared. After a complaint about the plates possible sexual meaning, the DMV decided it was time to retire ole' 69. Clark sees it differently. He's on the look-out for a '69 Chevy Camaro and wants to keep the plate active, something the DMV won't allow without a car attached to it. "As far as I'm concerned, it's just a number. They're not going to tell me what a number means," he insists. You go for it, boyfriend...and we'll all perform a solemn 69 in your honor.

You can't murder gay men in New South Wales anymore...even if you're afraid they're trying to hit on you. The so-called homosexual-panic defense, which has been successfully used by straight men accused of assault, and murder, of gay men has been rejected by state attorney general Jeff Shaw. From now on, Shaw recommends, unwanted homosexual advances will be no more or less legally provocative than unwanted heterosexual advances. Whatever will they think of next? Now it's time to overturn the Twinky Defense.

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