Tales Of The Darklady

Well, Darklady really knows how to start the new year right. Still flushed with excitement over my interview with Larry Flynt, I managed to get myself knocked down about a dozen notches by getting kicked out of a bookstore. Yes, there’s just nothing quite as ego-boosting for a writer as having an enraged second-hand bookstore owner scream at you to get out of their store and never come back. The glamour, the prestige, the Biblical expulsion from paradise; in this case Book City Paradise. (sigh) It’s a rare talent I have, no question.

Oh, I hear you, dear readers. I know your confusion. “But Darklady, how could this happen to you? You’re the embodiment of rational calm!” Yes, I know. It defies science and yet it is true. It was one of those classic situations where two people, both presumably speaking a common language, find themselves utterly incapable of communicating. You know how it starts, one person says something that the other person disagrees with and begins to respond to and then the first person decides that the conversation is over. Bam. End of story. Ouch.

Once I calmed down and stopped beating myself (and the store owner) up inside my head I realized what a sadly common situation we had found ourselves in. How many times has someone started to say something to us that we just knew was going to piss us off? Why let that person finish their sentence when we could just cut their crap right now because we know what they’re going to say? How many times have we wanted to kick our own butt because we'd been wrong?

Given that it’s “that time of the year again” (meaning Valentine’s Day) I’m sure that someone, somewhere is bound to accidently step on their tongue and wind up wondering why it moves so much faster than their brain. But what can we do with a situation that seems to have a mind of its own? How about letting them make their point? They just might surprise us. It’s so easy to take an unintentional tone of voice or facial expression and conclude that we know what’s coming next. But, unless we work for the Psychic Friends Network, it’s unlikely we’ve got the Gift. (And even then, the only gift we’d have is knowing how to screw people out of $3.99 a minute.) It wouldn't hurt to choose our fights better, either. This is a hard one for me because I tend to get all emotional (No, Darklady! Say it isn’t so!) and start feeling like a child being bullied. Sometimes that knot at the base of my skull just takes over and gets me into all kinds of trouble.

If you’re like me, you don’t want to be the source of pain for your loved one, you want to be a source of pleasure; an oasis of sanity in a crazy world. Fortunately, most of us are aware of the fact that we’re all terminally mortal and that means we make mistakes. This is probably the most important thing to remember. Our uncanny ability to fuck up even the most perfect situation is one of the unifying elements of life.

Speaking of bookstores: my book is finally back from the printer and nervously awaiting your order. A mere $15.95 will bring Tyffany Million’s Guide to Meeting Exotic Dancers into your life. You can find it on the Internet at http://www.bcmark.com/exotic.html or by writing to BC Marketing, 4470 SW Hall Blvd., Suite 175, Beaverton, OR 97005. If your favorite adult bookstore isn’t carrying it, ask them why. After I was so harsh with How To Pick Up Topless Dancers last year, I figured I'd better try to do better. Let’s see if those long phone conversations with the lovely (and damn smart!) Tyffany Million paid off.

Special Note for Rick: Thank you for your extremely moving letter. I am so sorry about Angie's death and how it's been treated. I'll say more next month and on my web site (soon).\

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