April showers bring... a helluva lot more Oregon rain, in my experience. Another perfectly valid reason to duck into the nearest strip club, lingerie shop or video store and free your wallet from your pocket prison so you can you tithe the goddesses at your favorite temple to flesh.

I drive past (and stop by) Doc's all the time, especially now that my white Jag man (soooo smooooth), Tony, is booking the ladies now. And when I see a sign saying "Fetish Night Wednesday" it immediately catches my eye. I've always had a fetish for Jaguars... especially when a really fine looking man drives one. I like to get my motor runnin' as much as the next person and sometimes I prefer to listen to it while the wind's rushing through my hair, which makes me think about Sassy's Steve, my favorite biker buck who, I've heard treats the ladies he books the way a lady should be treated: fine.

Which reminds me of the extremely fine time I had the Magic Garden last month during their Cocktail Party with Lounge Dancing. I got to watch some of Portland's finest free-thinking females dance with some of Portland's luckiest guys. And Teresa's reverse strip (with the help of the luscious Maiden Zyola) put my panties in a mist... the gentlebeings at the rack seemed to be having the same reaction. I'll definitely be lounging and cocktailing again on April 20th. Join me?

I'm going to start the week right (and you?), by attending La Luna's Queer Night benefit for Danzine, my favorite local 'zine. I tend to think that Monday's come too early in the week for me, but if it's for a good cause I can force myself to have a good time on any day. Sacrifices, sacrifices.

Having mentioned both the 'zine and its playful publisher, I am obligated by an obscure law which only I am aware of, to mention Miss Mona's Carnal Carnival. I've only missed one of Miss Mona's productions and I'm a lesser person for having done so. Don't let this happen to you! The doors open at 7pm on April 6 at Berbati's Pan with carnival midway performances, music by Quazi and then erotic fun-dulations from some of Portland's sexiest ladies and a visit from New York City's own Dr. Ducky DooLittle (as Knockers the Klown).

For those of you who love the cabaret concept and need a double dose, don't forget to check out Union Jacks Cabaret Night on Friday the 25th. Shows start at 7pm and run until that magic hour of 2 am. Make sure and check out their new stage... finally, a club where you really look up to the dancers!

Lots of the Portland clubs have caught that Spring Cleaning bug and have gone all out to make themselves look even prettier than usual. Doc's (which will be hosting the damn straight exciting Flygirls Dance Contest on Saturday, May 10th) is remodeling and now has a live DJ seven days a week. So much better than a dead DJ, don'cha think? I guess it depends on the DJ. The club will be at its finest for its contest, co-sponsored with Black Flys sunglasses, Porn Star clothing. Exotic Magazine and the Bad Kitty Outlet. There will be $1000 in cash prizes for the most fly Flygirl contestants, as well as thousands more in clothing and sunglasses prizes for contestants and audience. Also expected at the big gig are some very special guest stars from LA including (but not limited to) the Lick Sisters!

The Dolphin has also been freshening itself up for young men's flights of fancy with new stages, a hi-tech laser lighting system, pillars and beautiful, colored water columns. You can still enjoy your favorite table, couch and beanbag dances (what a viewing angle!), as well as their fantastic lineup of bartenders, cocktail waitresses and entertainers. And if you (and your sweetheart... it's a great couples club) aren't interested in worrying about who gets to be designated driver, remember that the Dolphin also has limo service! Now that's one-stop shopping convenience.

Jody's isn't going to be left out of the fun. By the middle of this month they should have a second bar, two new stages, and a new table dancing area.

You've probably noticed that the Bank is closed for extensive remodeling. If all goes well, it will reopen within the next couple months as the Lodge. No wonder my dad wanted to be a Mason, what a perfect cover!

Also opening soon (June, a little bird tells me) will be Exotica, an international club for men and ladies. When I know more, you know I'll tell you. Friends do that.

Speaking of friends, join me in giving a warm Exotic welcome to our new advertiser, the Double Dribble Sports Tavern and Store Room. You folks in east Multnomah county (and anyone else, for that matter) can pay wholesale prices on beer and wine for those vital spring party kegs and half-cases when you shop at the Store Room. The Double Dribble has new dancers, new stages, a new kitchen, a big screen TV and NASCAR racing. Man, that last bit reminds me of my childhood.

Important club factoids:

Rooster's has new hours. You hardly have to spend any time at home now since the club opens at 7am and goes full tilt until 2 am.

Spring showers aren't just happening outside now. Pop A Top and Dillinger's both are offering shower shows every day and Club 122 has brought them back on Tuesdays. Don't forget your mom's words of wisdom, when you're dealing with wet weather don't forget to carry your rubbers. (Hey! I'm talkin' about boots, you guys!)

George's Dancin' Bare has entered the virtual universe. As of now you can surf over to http://www.2entertainu.com/~dancin'bare-babes and really have your favorite lady get in your face.

Speaking of high-tech, another new advertiser, Alpha Star Digital Satellite Systems, offers the Space Connection: some of the best hardcore adult entertainment channels available.

America's still an amazing country and we're not required to view our favorite adult features via TV or magazine. Club 122 presents the lovely XXX video star, Dani Sexton on Thursday, April 3rd, Penthouse Pet Ashley Phillips from the 10th through the 12th and 70EEE (and my first adult star interview), Busty Brittany from the 24th through the 26th. Three flavors of fun!

Those of you living in the state capitol aren't going to be going without this month, either. The Main Event will be graced by Dani Sexton's presence (she's not just a vid star, you know... you may remember her from the Playboy Channel, Swank or Gallery) on both Friday the 4th and Saturday the 5th. A little later in the month (Friday the 18th and/or Saturday the 19th... your choice) head back to show Ashley Phillips that Portland isn't the only city that knows a gorgeous woman when it sees one.

Eugene has a lot to look forward to this month with the Silver Dollar Club turning a year old! Ashley Phillips kicks off Anniversary Week on the 14th and keeps kicking until the 16th, with four daily shows to help you celebrate. The college town gets a hot oil wrestling fix on the 16th, as well, followed by three days (April 17 - 19) of covergirl and centerfold, Sasha Vinni. Round out your month with the Silver Dollar Club's dance contest finals on the 30th. Each Sunday you'll also have chances to win two tickets to see U2 in concert at Autzen Stadium.

Everybody wants to be a star... so how about one of our local ladies becoming the 1997 Spice Network spokesmodel? Why not! The Spice Network search team will be in Portland on May 29th for a regional semi-finalist contest. Approximately 10 aspiring lovelies will compete at Stars Cabaret, from 9pm until midnight. The event, sponsored by your favorite regional adult entertainment magazine (yup, that's Exotic, all right) and Fantasy Adult Superstores will feature a panel of judges including the pretty amazingly gorgeous adult vid star, Rebecca Lord, as well as male XXX performer (gasp! A man!), Mark Davis. The local winner will receive $500 cash and the chance to compete in the national finals. You go, girls!

You lingerie fanciers will be happy to know that Palace of Pleasure (gotta love that name) is now open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Now you don't have to look at the clock and realize it's too damn late to see Ginger, Tia, or any of their friends. Is that thoughtful or what?

Speaking of thoughtful, someone will think mighty highly of you if you take advantage of Cathie's bikini sale this month. Suits by Panic Wear, Jellies and Tre Si are all only $19.95 The ladies can start working on those tan lines in some new spring threads.

Maybe you prefer shopping at home? Sweet Sensations makes house party calls now. Now ladies can select novelties, lotions, lingerie... you name it, from the convenience of their own home. Call (503) 297-0858 or drop by the shop on 10018 SW Canyon Road for details and then get your girlfriends together for something a lot more fun than a Tupperware party.

If what you really like to do is watch, don't forget to check out RC's huge sale. You can rent two days worth of VCR melting videos for the price of one. Make sure you've got to machines, though, because you're going to want to take advantage of Taboo Video's April sale on Evil Angel videos.

Now, if you like to have people watch you then you'll want to let Tracy Foraca of Black Hole Body Piercing help make you holier than thou art currently. Everything I've heard about Tracy's work is excellent so introduce your body to a little modern primitivism at her capable hands. Give a call to (503) 231-0712 for an appointment.

And, for those of you who are your own performance art, remember that this month is the Rose City Discussion Club's 4th birthday bash. You can finally unass... er... present those white elephant kink toy items you've treasured so at the Jasmine Tree Restaurant during RCDC's Warped Gift Exchange. You have my permission to call (503) 650-7052 or e-mail the club at rcdc@teleport.com for more information. Oh, yeah... this party will even have cake (but don't tell Dr. Ducky DooLittle).

If you're looking to meet people who are a little less... shall we say, sexually linear, check out the Bisexual Community Forum on the 2nd and 4th Wednesday of every month. They meet at 7:30 pm at the Utopia Cafe, located at 3320 SE Belmont. You call Laury for more information at (503) 285-4848.

The Portland Bisexual Alliance meets (what else?) bi-monthly and serves as a social and support group. Curious to know which month will be bi? Call (503) 232-9275 and ask.

I'm meeting more and more people who want to know where to go to get good information about crossdressing and transsexualism. The Northwest Gender Alliance (NWGA) has monthly meetings and offers educational programs. Altogether an excellent place to begin. Call Riesa for more details at (503) 646-2802 or you can write NWGA at PO Box 4928, Portland, OR 97208.

Lastly, I didn't have a date for the April Fetish Night but my reliable source at Bad Attitude Outlet assures me that information will be forthcoming. Call the Outlet for the when and the where (not to mention the "what to wear") at (503) 235-6990. See you there?

That's all from me... at least for now.

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