For some reason, I have a backlog of mail asking for advice. The reason seems to have been summed up by one reader, J.P. of SE Portland, who writes, “It’s not that I think you’ve got this whole dating thing nailed or anything, but I figure your advice will at least give me a new set of misconceptions and sick thinking to use in my social life.” With such a mandate, I agree finally to share my insights with those even more clueless than myself:

Dear Dan,
Lately I’ve had a strange attraction that I can’t seem to control. I see phone-sex ads in magazines talking about “she-males” and I can't get the image out of my mind. What exactly is a “she-male” and if I have sex with one, does that make me gay?
–B.R., Scappoose

Dear B.R.,
Of course not. Being attracted to so-called “she-males” doesn’t mean you’re gay. Being able to listen to more than 30 seconds of Judy Garland; that would mean you are gay. The pre-op transsexual can sometimes have all of the sexy feminine allure of someone biologically female. The most obvious disadvantage, of course, is that you don’t get both genders in one (this is called a hermaphrodite and exists only in dingy video shoots in the San Fernando Valley). If you want a vagina involved in the fun, you’ll have to supply your own. In addition to the inconvenience of doing this, there’s always the chance that you’ll have to share it. Now you have to ask yourself if your idea of a fun date is watching a guy who looks like a woman having sex with an artificial vagina, leaving you on the sidelines. Be forewarned that unless the so-called “she-male” is taking mega-doses of female hormones, has had breast implants, and does a real good job with makeup and hair, you’re not having sex with a “she-male,” you’re having sex with a guy who shaves his legs.

Dear Dan,
I don’t know if you can help me, but here goes. I’ve been dating two or three women recently; just a casual thing. I’ll go out with one, we’ll have a good time, then terrific sex. Each one knows about the others and no one seems to mind, as long as I use “protection.” My problem is this: I’m getting signals from other women as well, and I know I could have sex with any of them I choose. On top of that, the women I am sexually active with have expressed interest in group sex. They’re talking about a menage a trois and various other combinations. No one has gotten possessive yet, and when I tell them that I’m not ready to settle down with any of them, they agree with me. What should I do?
–R.N., Beaverton

Dear R.N.,
You should eat shit and die.

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