Bump & Grind 4.11

Step right up! What's your poison? What can I get for you? Looking for something a little smooth? Got some R. Kelly up here on the top shelf. Something aged and mellow with a bit of kick? Here's some ZZ Top. Wanna knock something back a little raw? Try a shot of Everclear. Classy and exotic more your cup of tea? How about some intoxicating Enigma?

I think you get the point, which is, basically, that I spend way too much time in bars... and that there are as many types of music as liquors. There's bluegrass, blues, country, thrash, alternative, metal, industrial, indy, new age, new wave, rap, R&B, rock 'n' roll, and instrumental; just to name a few.

When you think about it, being a disc jockey is a lot like being a bartender. In both professions it is important to have a full understanding of your wares. In both professions you are involved in the process of mixing. In both professions you depend on tips for a percentage of your income.

There is an old saying, "a good bottle of wine is like a fine melody." Music and alcohol have many similarities as well. Now, with the new restrictions you need to be over a certain age to purchase music as well as alcohol. How many times have we heard someone drinking described as "feeling no pain?" Just look at the advances that are being made with white noise therapy!

In the world of metaphysics, music and alcohol have often gone hand-in-hand in rituals and rites of passage. From the heady liquor made from the sacred vision vine of Central and South America, to the rhythmic music of ancient ceremonies which mirror the driving beat of today's techno and trance music.

They both get a little weird at times. For alcohol's contribution I have only two words: Jell-o shots. This once innocent dessert/toy, now a lethal 150 proof annihilator. As for music, glam bands, the crossdressers of rock 'n' roll. Make-up, nylons, and hairy chests. Does it make anyone else nervous that the one-time lead singer of Twisted Sister now designs children's toys?

Now that we have somehow found ourselves on the subject of butt rock, I won't tell if you won't tell. Unfortunately, there is no clear definition of what butt rock is. I have even heard the immortal Guns 'n Roses described this way. Preposterous. Well, there was the Spaghetti Incident CD...

I have yet to have been up late at night and bleary-eyed and seen Ronco and K-tel advertise the best of butt rock. I am fairly sure that Twisted Sister and Poison would probably be featured artists. Personally, I always envision the group Ratt when thinking of butt rock. But hey, that's me. Could be one of those deep rooted, non-deal-with psychological issues you read about.

Let's face it, music and alcohol are often in the same bed together. Seldom will you find an event that offers one without the other close behind.

The dance club scene is unique in this regard. I know few occupations where drinking on the job is not only allowed, but sometimes encouraged. I remember one club where I was working where several gentlemen decided it would be interesting if they paid a dancer to down a duck fart after every stage dance. Now, for those of you who have never had a duck fart, it's a very potent, sweet drink made entirely of alcohol, served in a short rocks glass. It's kind of like mainlining a Snickers bar. Needless to say, after about 10 of these combined with the constant motion of dancing, she was a very sick puppy. Makes me queasy just thinking about it.

I have seen a whole bar lit on fire during a rendition of Burning Down the House. All due to the flagrant misuse of a flaming Dr. Pepper. I'd give you the recipe, but I'm pretty sure I would be breaking some state or federal fire and safety ordinance. I suppose dropping a flaming shot of liquor into a pounder of beer isn't a great idea even sober and under the best conditions.

Ladies, you may want to give a listen to a couple of up and coming new artists. Check out Daniel Sheik and Biff Naked. I think you'll like what you hear.

Guys, I appreciate your letters. Keep them coming. I'll get the word out to the clubs about what you would like the ladies to dance to.

From the music that makes us bang our heads and tap our toes, to the hair of the dog that bit us, it's all good, baby.

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