Zazel
Cal Vista
Starring: Sasha Vinni, Gina LaMarca...The lush, tropical, flowers-are-forever Zazel is a shot-on 35mm film extravaganza that received the Adult Video News’ highest rating. And like Portland’s Rose Festival, all I’ve got to say is: What a waste of flowers and foliage and flesh. In the opening scene, which lasts longer than the Civil War, a blonde amazon cavorts with a painted blue fertility goddess. The viewer waits for eternity to pass as the blue goddess wades in the water, dancing nearer so she can pollinate the golden flower with her tongue -- looking longer than this sentence. Maybe the director (Philip Mond) was trying to stage a parable for the creation of a world that someday would evolve into big budget porno movies. Or maybe Mond simply forgot: we all need a good editor sometimes.
While this film was off exploring the vagina-is-a-flower theme, I was beginning to think that the penis had no place in this picture. And if they had kept this as an elegant, romantic Isle of Lesbos excursion, the film might have succeeded. But a penis shows up by the pool to ruin the party. The romantic Celtic music that accompanies his cum-shot left me limp but somehow hopeful for the preservation of the ozone layer.
If you like thigh-high boots, you’re gonna love the scene featuring fashion dildos attached like spurs to such boots, allowing the modelicious girls to fuck their cowgirl blues away. Self-impalement has never looked so fashionable, fun, and bizarre. But the novelty of that scene coupled with all other visual splendor is not enough to prevent Zazel from playing out like a haute Emmanuel sans complications like dialogue and plot. While the advertising age, poetic voice-overs may appeal to Madison Avenue execs hard up for ideas, they’re a pretentious bore to anyone who hasn’t left their mind hanging out on the clothes line for too long.
Since I can barely sit through a 110 minute action adventure summer blockbuster, it took all my resolve to wade through the Magna Carta length of Zazel without once hitting the FF button. And for that, I’d like some kind of award, please.
Dark Angel
Studio A
Starring: Dahlia Grey, Lea Martini...If you liked Paris Chic, as I did, you’re gonna hate Dark Angel, Andrew Blake’s so-called sequel. By naming Angel a sequel, Blake is shamelessly hoping to ride the coattails of the hugely successful Chic to the bank. Aside from the return of actress Lea Martini, Dark Angel has nothing in common with Chic. Using endless slow motion photography, Blake painfully prolongs empty scenes that are boring in the first place. As such, this so-called sequel should be called Beyond Boring. I’d rather watch my cat lick himself . My refrigerator generates more heat than this movie.
I read the daily newspaper while watching Angel, waiting for something to happen. Eventually, I gave up and went to bed. It’s that good. The video stores that gobbled up copies of Dark Angel on the reputation of its predecessor may take it in the shorts. What a waste of 35mm film. Thank God I got paid to watch it. You should, too.
Taboo Video generously provided these videos for review.