As long as I have this face... you'll always have a place to sit!

Now that I have your attention: your dick is a gland, not a muscle. Where is all this headed? (No pun intended.) Well, I am just pulsating with excitement. I have been called The Orator of Orgasm! I don't know if this is because I am a noisy lover or because I talk about sex so much.

Recently I was asked to give a two-hour lecture/presentation to a sex and communication class at Portland State University. Of course I was twitching to do it and my pumps couldn't get me there fast enough. After I arrived in a limousine, with my animal print bag full of sex toys, safe sex kits, and glow-in-the-dark condoms, I began my bolder-than-bold class.

I began by telling them that the word "orgasm" originates from the Greek word "orgasmos" which means "to swell up." Amazingly, (ha! ha!) the entire class and their professor could relate to the swelling concept. Swelling is a gift from the gods! You readers who are "growers" not "showers" know what I mean. Strange, but true.

One half to two thirds of a man's penis length can actually be hiding in his body cavity. This does change markedly when sexual arousal makes him stand at full attention. This scenario usually doesn't make it much fun to walk around naked in the locker room or be showering with a bunch of studs at the gym, especially when it appears like they are sporting a champagne bottle between their legs. Women can relate to that whole dynamic because of the "big-breast" obsession we, as a society, seem to have. Hear that Pamela Lee? Knockers up!

The truth of the matter is, when the Champagne Bottle Boys become erect, they do not increase their size at the same ratio as the Shy Shaft Boys do. The average hanging length of the Caucasian man is two to three inches when flaccid (limp); when erect (full blown boner), five to seven inches. Of course, if you are erectionally challenged (impotent) it may be hard (pardon the pun) to check out the above theory. It sounds like I've seen more cocks than a urinal... and I probably have. A girl's gotta gloat a little. Weenie world!

Okay, back to the matter at hand. (Ooooo! It's meant to be!) The girth (thickness) of the organ will really vary amongst individuals, especially the hedonistic head. Yes, some dick heads are like plump apricots and some are very conical. Both are normal and functional, and experience the same amount of sensation... or sinsation, as I like to erotically think.

Why so much attention given to the "muff buster?" Well, it's for you men who consider yourself crotch connoisseurs. Did you realize that your dick is the counterpart of a woman's clit? The only difference is that your mass of sensitivity is protruding outside your body cavity. Uh huh. The erectile tissue response to stimulation, etc., is all there, guys.

So, whether you are enjoying oral, manual, or penile penetration, remember that the clit needs the same attention and variety as the monster that lurks between your legs.

Have fun! Love and laughter!

Feel free to call my voicemail to hear my show schedules or leave any messages, comments, or suggestions for future column topics that you might have: (503) 727-2491.

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