I had quite a fetish night recently. I spent it with Katharine Hepburn and a whole bevy of beautifully booted blonde babes. Of course, physically I was alone. But I had the television on, and that made all the difference.

It was an untypically calm Sunday night. I had nothing to do. The sun had beat down on the house all day and it was roasting. The fan blew what little coolness came from outside across my naked chest, where a flagon of sudsy beer rested. I was bone-tired from a week of hard work and ready to shut down and relax.

Little did I suspect that Sunday was going to be a major boot night.

It began with The Philadelphia Story on American Movie Classics. I had never really thought of Katharine Hepburn as a sex symbol, but I started watching the movie anyway, because Jimmy Stewart had just died.

Then Hepburn, who plays a rich bitch, appears wearing the shiniest riding boots ever seen in a black and white movie. They were exquisite, and so was she in them. The camera actually lingered on her a long time. I remembered that she played an aviatrix in some older movie and vowed to look it up, aviatrixes being a sub-genre of dominatrix imagery.

There weren’t any more boot scenes. There usually aren’t. There are really only two per movie.

So I input the USA Network to watch "Pacific Blue," a perfectly miserable little rip-off blend of "Bay Watch" and sub par "NYPD Blue." But I watch it religiously because there is this terrific leggy blonde bike-cop with a delightfully gruff voice who wears a great sports watch. The watch fetish is one where you really don’t want the watch to figure in conversation or in the plot. You just want to see the girls parade around with the watches, looking tough and competent and in control.

Well, that set me up for the next show on USA: "Silk Stalkings." I’ve never really understood this show. I’ve never even been able to figure out where it takes place. But the credit sequence features (or used to anyway, before the new cast took over) a blonde in a pinstriped half suit with quite simply the best legs on television. Who is she? We will never know. Anyway, I was going to turn off the show after the credits, but stayed to watch the first scene, which usually shows a couple just finishing up fucking. In this case, the woman got up and was nude – but for a big skindiver’s watch! She was a sexy brunette, a military pilot who, unfortunately, was offed in the next scene.

I dozed and awoke just in time for my favorite show "La Femme Nikita." I know that everyone loves Lucy Lawless as Xena, and she is pretty cool in those weird heel-less pigskin boots she wears. And I know that the "La Femme Nikita" series is based on a French movie everybody prefers. But I don’t care. I love Peta Wilson. She plays Nikita. She is a bony British blonde with weird puffy eyes. When the series started she was always in boots and leather. One show even had her wear a pair of special boots with a homing device in the heel, with numerous closeups of her booted feet and discussions of the boots. But, as the program has progressed, she has become less and less leathery, graduating to single-striped jogging outfits. I watch the show anyway, always hopeful that she will pop into an old leftover pair of boots.

Well, I lucked out. In this one she had to pose as an assassin. This evil booted bitch is shown tied to a chair in a torture chamber. Peta dons the boots and goes underground, and there were lots of shots of her walking around in mud and leaping and running.

That’s my idea of a good time. Not the running and leaping, but watching Peta do it – in boots.

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