by Rex Breathes

Sin City Entertainment
Starring: Jill Kelly, Kaitlyn Ashley, Mark Davis...

Perversions' cool gothic intro gives way to a stock scene that takes place in an office (oh, how imaginative). There we see the vinyl-clad office slut slaving away on Sunday (just like we do around here at Exotic) when the boss shows up. She seems to enjoy working for him, as she enthusiastically choked on his giant choad, yawn, while I was lamenting the fact that the cameraman didn't pay attention to her kinky little boots with six-inch, penis-shaped heels. I decided there was nothing perverse about this boy/girl coitus-cum-obligatory-visit-to-her-ass and shouted "ONWARD THROUGH THE FOG!" to the FF button.

Scene two: A little tootsie sucking in the hot springs led to a natural shaved pussy picnic. As I was drifting off, I was wondering what I was going to do with those razor clams this weekend. Director, Paul Norman went on to explore a liquid latex scene; I enjoyed watching the strange stuff getting peeled off bodies like cold cheese on yesterday's pizza. "Who stole yesterday's pizza? Who stole yesterday's girl?" (Obscure Rolling Stones reference. If you can name the song, the album, and give the real lyrics -- hint: pizza is the wrong word; the right word begins with a "p" and also has five letters -- you win a free, slightly used video of your choice.)

Eventually, Norman's Perversions limped across the finish line as a low budget, Andrew Blake wanna-be. Still, this would be a nice, safe, romantic diversion for very vanilla lovers.

Fallen Angel Entertainment
Starring: Aja, Morgan Fairlane, Michael J. Cox, Jeremy Steel...

Twisted opens with director, Luc Wylder, and principal, Aja, sitting on a brown couch and boring me to death with their film concept -- "Twisted is a way of life" -- and scene set-up. What's twisted is the director's pretzel logic dictating that he spend 15 minutes telling the viewer what an incredible, creative, career zenith the making of this video was for him. Wow. Can I get fries with that?

In the opening prospect, box cover model, Aja, dominates the photographer... who obviously isn't a real photog, because he has an enormous cock; he'd stumble over the damn thing trying to set up the shoot. Luckily for him (and me) there's other careers like writing and fucking which one can do sitting and laying down. Aja and Dickhead (who must think he's Oliver Stone, for Chrissakes) come back on to set up each and every scene, which serves no real purpose except to give them both a demo-tape as spokesmodels in case they need to change careers.

Twisted is not twisted enough for me. Save for the crotchless, fish-net bodysuit worn in one scene, there is nothing to recommend it. Don't stock, rent, buy, or bother.

In the end, the most perverse and twisted bit o' porn came from Mike, the graveyard man at Taboo Video. The night he loaned me these tapes, he told me the number one video (minutes played) in their 100 channel arcade features an 80-year-old woman having copious sex. Boggles the mind.

Thanks to Taboo Video for loaning both tapes.

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