With the coming of the new year, the tabloids and media in general make predictions galore for the coming year. Here at “Heavy Petting” things are no different. Using a complex system of random sessions with a group of friends no one else can see, whom I warmly refer to as “The Voices,” I have divined the following developments for 1998.

  • Following the success of the hype machine attached to the “coming out” episode of “Ellen,” Jim Nabors, Richard Chamberlain and Charles Nelson Reilly will all publicly admit that they, too, are lesbians.

  • In the tradition of the “V-chip,” software makers will offer a new option: the “RJ chip.” With this addition to your CD-ROM or VCR, your player will automatically fast-forward any time Ron Jeremy appears on the screen.

  • With Boogie Nights being one of the surprise hits of 1997, more mainstream Hollywood films will feature porn stars in “serious” acting roles. The first feature will be another in the endless stream of banal action/comedies starring rehab waiting-list resident Charlie Sheen in I’ve Never Met Any of These Women Before... Swear to God,” followed by Chasey Lain as Demi Moore in My First Audition: The Real Story. Jim Holladay will direct an episode of "ER" featuring nurses dressed as porn stars (i.e.-naked).

  • The music world will (pardon the pun) be rocked by frightening revelations in '98. Our worst fears will be confirmed when it is announced that the three Hanson “boys” are actually pre-op transsexuals. With their new-found millions they can now finish the job begun 10 years ago when their hormone therapy began after the disappointing downward curve of their career as Kajagoogoo.

  • Marilyn Manson, genuinely stunned that no one really cares, will drop his pathetic attempts at shock-rock via sex and try a new tactic. The group’s 1998 release will be entitled, “I’d Like to Invite You Over to Meet a Few Friends and Discuss Financial Independence,” and be devoted entirely to songs about Amway. Concertgoers will be grossed out beyond belief, but Manson will become fabulously wealthy.

  • Breast implants have now become passe, and so the next fad will be “taste implants.” A new protein compound will be injected directly into a specific portion of the parietala lobe, replacing the part of the brain devoted to thinking about what would look good to wear on the "Jerry Springer Show" with actual cultural sense and taste. Instead of merely flashing $5,000 cleavage and over-pouty lips, the 1998 bimbo will be flashing her knowledge of Proust and Shostakovich and wearing Chanel and Jil Sander. They will drop their drug-addicted member-of-a-briefly-famous-rock-band boyfriends like beets through a baby’s bottom and seek out a being higher up on the food chain. After a frenzied six months of non-stop sex, my dick will fall off.

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