If you’re standing in a bar and getting the eye from some ripe, willing tart, and Susan Sarandon or Renee Russo were standing next to Missy or Buffy, giving you equal come-ons, which woman would you approach? If your first impulse is to gravitate towards the Jenny McCarthy lookalike, you need to have your wiring checked. Given two equally appealing women who differ in age by 15 years or so, a real man will go with age and experience every time.

Back in college, the buzz on older women (of course, at that time “older women” referred to ladies who had been able to buy booze legally for more than two years) was that “they really appreciate it.” While there are desperate spinsters out there, you’re not likely to find them, and even if you did, they would likely end up reminding you more of Jessica Tandy than Jessica Lange. What we’re talking about here are women who know what they want, and know that they can get it from guys who have both jobs and opposable thumbs.

What age can do for a man or a woman is to reduce a person’s tolerance level for bullshit to almost nil. Playing “20 Questions” may seem like fun when you have tens of thousands of nights like this one ahead of you, but after 40, a single man or woman has patience only for “1 or 2 Questions.” If an older woman is interested, you’ll know about it, and if she’s not, she’s more interested in not wasting her time than in seeing how many hoops you’ll jump through on the way to having your ticket pulled.

Evolution has created a real window of opportunity for smart males. A man’s sex drive and “productivity” is at its peak when his idea of crisis is trying to figure out whether to spend his tax refund on a subwoofer or ground effects for his Suzuki Samurai. This was so that man could plant as many seeds as possible before the violent death which awaited him every day arrived.

Women, on the other hand, have their highest sex drive during the years immediately preceding menopause, as the woman’s body screams, “Eggs! Do your fertilizing here! Offer limited to supply on hand and expires soon!”

Increased demand for sex and several decades of experience makes for an unbeatable combo. A single woman aged 35+ knows two vital things that no woman skipping cramming for her Western Civ. final to hang out at the latest cigar bar cannot know : 1) what definitely works in bed, and 2) what definitely doesn’t work in bed. While there are rewards for blazing a trail through an untouched forest, wouldn’t you really rather get from Point A to Point B via a quick cab ride than by hacking your way through dense underbrush for hours?

There are, of course, negatives to our Older Woman Scenario. Warning signs: bumper stickers. Watch out for a woman with sentiments attached to her car along the lines of, “Ex-Husband In Trunk” or “If You’re Rich, I’m Single.” Along with experience and command of their own bodies, older women have had more years to build up seething resentments. If you’re the type of fun the woman is looking for, you’re on easy street. However, if you want to avoid cheap drama and a potential Fatal Attraction scenario, make sure that this new-found playmate is actually looking for a wild night of sex. Otherwise, you’ll end up being a living voodoo doll, experiencing sharp pains in vulnerable places, in the hopes that the decimation of your balls will in some way cause pain to some villain(s) of the past.

Women in their 20's who read this may disagree vehemently with me: fine. If you’d like to prove me wrong on this, contact me in care of Exotic, and we’ll put this idea to the test. Be sure to include a phone number or e-mail address where you may be reached. And while you’re at it, include you mom’s phone number as well.

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