Aesop's X-Rated Fables Released
Did you ever have the feeling that there was more going on between the tortoise and the hare than you were being told as a kid? If you did, then you were right. A new collection of the beloved Greek storyteller includes some fables with a very naughty streak, including a kinky hyena, ever-pissing donkeys, and a beaver that eats its own penis. Like so many modern comedy films, defecation and urine make frequent appearances as well. These elements were, apparently, a bit much for our Victorian ancestors and thus were removed from the stories we grew up with. In reality, the stories were never intended for children but were sanitized by publishers. Not so in the new collection recently released by Penguin Books in the USA, Britain, Canada, New Zealand, Australia, and South Africa. This collection will feature the first full translations of Aesop's works and include 100 stories never before appearing in English. Translators were shocked to learn that the 2,600-year-old material revealed Aesop to be a political satirist, vulgarian, and lover of coarse peasant humor. Given how times have changed, they may still be ideal for children's bedtime reading.
So, How Come the Prisons are Full of Pot "Criminals?"
Remember all the horror stories we heard as kids about drug dealers hanging out at playgrounds and forcing free samples of illegal drugs on us? Most of us never got the opportunity to attend those special schools, so we had to get jobs. Meanwhile, the real drug geniuses were plotting to ensnare our young minds (and lungs) in the R.J. Reynolds marketing labs. Top Secret Documents (we're not making this up) brought to light as a result of a $10 million dollar legal settlement with California cities reveal the truth about marketing killer drugs to kids. Some choice samples: a 1973 marketing memo suggests that a "comic strip type copy might get a much higher readership among younger people." A 1987 memo sites Camel Wides as created to lure young adult male smokers "(primarily 13 - 24 year old male Marlboro smokers" to R.J.R.'s product. Spokesmen for the poisonous substance in question claim that someone's finger slipped when they typed "13" and that it was supposed to read "18." Must have been typed by a secretary suffering a helluva nicotine fit. Representatives also claim that the quotes are being taken out of context.
More Education = Less Sex
Nice guys may not always finish last but it looks like smart ones do. A study based on 10,000 interviews with Americans during the past decade by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago reveals that the folks getting the most sex as those with "some college," averaging 62 encounters a year. High school graduates follow with 58 conquests. Those with bachelor degrees place third with 56 doinks every 52 weeks and those snobby postgraduates bring up the rear with a pathetic 50 sweaty calendar encounters. But don't strut your ignorance too soon... researchers point out that people with less education also tend to be younger and therefore more sexually active. Oddly enough, people who work 60 hours a week report having sex more often than did those with more leisure time: 65 belly-bumps per planetary orbit. Other tidbits revealed: 15% of adults engage in 50% of all sexual activity and 42% of adults engage in 85% of all sex; jazz fans, gun owners, and people who distrust the president are among some of the most sexually active of all Americans. If this is true, then why is the Unibomber still a virgin? (Given that he just got life in prison, that won't last long.)