by Rex Breathes firstname.lastname@example.org
I dunno what it is about Bill Clinton and extra-marital sex. Could be Hillary's inverted bowling pins for legs and her ass like an aircraft carrier -- a Navy Hornet would have no problem landing on that thing. Come to think of it, I wouldn't be surprised if Clinton was having extra-terrestrial sex after spending half his life with Hillary. (E.T. phone the White House; the president's in the Lincoln bedroom wearing Bullwinkle boxers tonight.)
Not that Clinton could ever rate higher than a quick, cheap feel in the White House only because, well, he's the president. After all, the best report we've heard on his love making is, "He kissed and fondled me and I didn't really object," yawned by one Clinton conquest. She summed up their three minute relationship (hey, president's a busy man) the way you and I might comment on cold pizza. Boy, that Clinton is some Don Juan. About all Clinton's good for is a good grope and a couple years in litigation.
Paula Jones asserts that Bill asked her for oral sex. Which tells me nothing. What I want to know is: Did you, Paula, suck the soon to be King Salami? Inquiring minds want to know. What good is a lawsuit if we don't get the goods on the King's kinks, as in the Marv Albert case? Details! Details! There's lonely people in America who want to masturbate to tales of presidential perversion.
So far, the only mention of intercourse comes from the alleged Lewinsky quote, where she says, "I will deny it so he will not get screwed... but I'm going to get screwed personally." That's nice, but is anyone out there actually fucking the president or are they just giving in to the grope so they can tell their grandchildren, "I kissed the president," after they have retired on their tabloid interview? Sounds to me like Clinton's just getting blue balls from the relentless teasing that he initiates. Maybe that's how he gets himself going so he can perform his presidential duties with the First Lady.
Still, whether Clinton's fucking everything from 18 to 60 in sight, or he's more like a teenager hip deep in heavy petting run amok, I feel safer with a president exercising more than his hand signing bills. When you think about all those bombs and missiles and bombs bursting in air, you have to admit that it all sounds very phallic. And after you've considered my theory of suppressed presidential sexual urges being the primary cause leading the U.S. into war, then you won't really mind the president having his hay. (Unless you're a fundamentalist Christian who always prefers death over sex.) Clinton's been in office for more than six years and hasn't started one lousy little war. Compare that to George Bush Ñ one look Barbara says it all Ñ and you can see why Bush couldn't wait to bomb Iraq into the fucking Stone Age. Or, as president in the bush is worth two confrontations that don't get out of hand.
Go ahead. Take my theory back through post World War II history (Reagan, Carter, Nixon, LBJ, Kennedy, Eisenhower) and you will also gather that the president who was probably getting it on a regular basis was more pacifist than war monger and vice-versa. And that's why I will continue to vote for the man most likely to get laid in office as my solemn duty; God bless American presidential nookie. Peace on earth and good sex in the White House. That's the ticket.
Next month: The painful review of the Pammy Lee and Tommy Lee sex tape and other notorious nookie, because, hey, we all got "Girl Trouble."