Girl Trouble

I don't know what it is about celebrities. Why do we give a remote controlled rat's ass about their pathetic sex lives? You'd think that every celeb is like your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend or something, so you have to keep tabs on who they're boffing. So Pamela Anderson (of "Baywatch" and Barb Wire) and Tommy Lee (of Motley Crue) are baring it all on video now -- for those of you living in Iceland who didn't already know. "The most controversial tape ever made" (according to the box cover) is available in adult video stores everywhere and selling like hotcakes. Taboo Video says its sold out of its original shipment and everyone is asking about it. So I watched it because I get paid to do this. And I've got two good things to say about Pam and Tommy Lee: Hard-core and Uncensored; thank God it's only 40 minutes long and Pam knows how to do one thing right, and that is keep her pussy shaved completely bare.

This tape, which supposedly only saw the light of your TV over the Lee's limp, post coital bodies, is just one giant publicity sham. If you think that you are seeing something that Lee's don't want you to see, think with your big head for a change. Let's look at those funny things called facts. The Lee's could have mounted a decent legal fight by claiming copyright infringement. After all, they made it; it's their words and images that give it any value and they are both sought after entertainment commodities. Instead, the only defense the Lee's mounted was the old invasion of privacy route, which any attorney would have told them is not going to work because they have made a living off of marketing their sexiness in various ways for years. This tape was destined to hit the Internet and the video stores just as surely as bombs dropping on Bagdad. Like congress and the United Nations voicing their feeble protests, the Lee's deliberately failed to produce an injunction.

In addition to having a nice bare pussy, Pamela Lee has the brains to create a giant publicity ploy to bring their sagging careers -- especially hers -- to the top of the celeb food chain over night. Pamela Lee has been creating something out of nothing with her career for years. Even her marriage to Tommy Lee could be said to have elevating-her-in-the-public-eye overtones. Just like the baton bashing of the Nancy Kerrigan knee, you can bet your last dollar that the woman is behind this stunt; Tommy Lee certainly doesn't have the brains to pull off anything other than his shorts when it's time to fuck Pamela. And sometimes he forgets to do that.

More evidence abounds when you start to examine this tape from the above point of view. There's really not that much sex. We see 10 times as much of Tommy boy naked than we see of Mrs. Lee. There are very few lingering eyefuls of her body or any part of her anatomy. Why is this? Well, for one thing, she was preggers at the time -- probably carrying a few extra pounds -- so she edited anything more than fleeting looks at her body out of the final tape. Now, if you're Tommy Lee and this is your honeymoon and you're holding the camera, don't you think that you would be going for annoyingly long takes of your new bride's naked glory? Furthermore, all sex is performed in the missionary position, with Tommy panting I love you's like he's her lost puppy dog -- all very safe and flattering for Mrs. Lee. Now, I have nothing against vanilla sex. In fact, I'd just about kill for that flavor right now. But don't you think it's just a little bit strange that with two slightly twisted celebs, like a rock star and his sex symbol wife, the only coitus on this tape looks and sounds like Jimmy and Rosylyn Carter doing the mild thing?

Methinks the Lee's doth protest too much and then not nearly enough. Both of them keep talking about the tape to the media when supposedly their privacy has been invaded and they don't want anyone to know about this gross trespass against them. At a recent Motley Crue concert, Tommy Lee reportedly asked the audience to raise their hands, or their shirts, if they had seen it. Then he shoved a camera down his pants so the 30 foot screen could show everyone what's inside.

It's all a sham cooked up by Pam, I say. Don't buy it, don't rent it, don't talk about it, or spend one second of your life considering the Lee's. Otherwise, you are just a media-controlled muppet playing into their hands. Like Alien Abduction, etc., this is another phony amateur-uncensored-pseudo-reality invasion of your consciousness. And this shit is multiplying like cockroaches. Unless you want to prove that P.T. Barnum said, "A sucker is born every second," then just turn it off. And get a life.

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