by Rex Breathes rexbreathes@hotmail.comIt's spring and a man's thoughts turn to his lover wearing a 12-inch strap-on dildo. I couldn't find that video. I couldn't find that video, so I just have to play that tape in my head and hope to get lucky on St. Patrick's Day. (Insert Tears for Fears song here: "...this is my four-leaf clover.") So, if you're not in love, obsessed, or chasing the "I'm over you so get a life" person of your dreams, consider yourself lucky.
Porno Star
Sinthetic Video
Director: Ian Daniels
Starring: Shawna Edwards, Alyssa Allure, Alexandra NiceI went for the cover and got burned, almost. Instead of a slick, techno, heady look at porn from the inside out, we follow two blonde bimbos over to Joe Porn Star's pad where they give him a wake-up call. While he rounds up his actors for the day's shoot, the porn star groupies take turns swallowing his big, professional dick. Scene two doesn't get any more clever, but the scenery certainly improves when a tall, skinny brunette shows up for a shoot with two cowboys at a rancho deluxe style house. After the director scolds her for missing the box cover shoot (that's her on the cover) all action is reduced to just another porn scene, redeemed by her boney, hard body. Anorexic fans will like this girl lots. Another, not quite so skinny girl, shows up for scene three -- her flat chest ornamented by nipples the size of cigarette filters. After a few words in her thick Polish accent, her moans become fluent in the universal language. Nothing creative here. Although not a throw-away, either. FF button will get a work out.
Colours de Kiva
Xlpor Video
Director: Kiva
Starring: KivaColours opens with Kiva sitting in her orifice explaining that this video is all about watching her have real orgasms. She then proceeds to masturbate for the viewer in a variety of positions, outfits, with and without toys, and we must trust her that her orgasms are "The Real." Get a life, Kiva. So far, I'm seriously questioning Hustler's 100% erect rating, aside from the state of Kiva's clitoris. Eventually, Kiva gets around to masturbating with a man jerking off in her face. Actually, it's not so much a man as a sort of faceless, floating cock -- his body framed from waist to mid-thigh -- that shows up to help Kiva get off. She masturbates by the window, she masturbates in the bathtub with the hand-held shower attachment splashing on her pussy. She masturbates with a disempersoned cock in her ass. Then we get into the arty collage masturbation scenes and I think you get the picture. The box brags, "over two dozen REAL ORGASMS!" Who cares? Unless you are a huge fan of female masturbation or Kiva is the ex-girlfriend you can't let go of, then this is a one-trick pony.
"I borrow two coins from the dead man's eyes to pay for the next magic ride." -- from the novel, "Delusion."
(Thanks to Taboo Video for being there when everyone else has gone to be moon.)