The biggest non-story of the year so far would have to be the Monica Lewinsky debacle. Clinton may or may not have had some fawning airhead from Beverly Hills High following him around, offering him a blowjob. Why not? Face it, if the man with his finger on the button to The Big One looked like Yoda, thered be women whod die to be able to tell their grandchildren that theyd smoked his cigar.
If I have any gripes with Clintons possible randiness, its that the man lacks style and ambition. If he truly wants to emulate JFK, why settle for office workers who you could score at any Holiday Inn lounge? Bill, youre The Man! With absolutely no coaxing at all, I bet you could be having anyone in the Vivid Video stable on all fours in Air Force One, or at least a quick blowjob in an elevator from one of the Baywatch babes.
People are using the fact that Clinton gave Monica gifts as proof that he was trying to keep her quiet. Having dated women who grew up in Beverly Hills, I can say with some authority that as evidence this blows chunks. Were talking about girls whose idea of punishment in high school is being given brand new Trans Ams instead of Porsches. For a young woman who grew up in this environment, a T-shirt and a book of poetry just isnt going to cut the Grey Poupon. Kenneth Starr is now trying to subpoena records from book stores as a way of proving that something was going on with Clinton; hoping, I suppose, to find a receipt for How To Fellate Friends and Influence Presidents.
Lets get real. Lewinsky got the intern job because her dad is a big contributor to the Democratic Party. Do people actually think this was Clintons idea of a good fund-raising tactic? Like Clintons gonna call Mr. Lewinsky and tell him, Sir, that little gal of yours is one hose-monster, I tell you what. While I was holding on to the back of her head, I was telling her, 'Honey, your daddys gonna be so proud when he hears about this.' While Ive got you on the phone sir, Id just like to thank you for all the help youve given the Democratic Party. If we could arrange a gang-bang with Monica, could you see clear to fork over another 300 grand? Yeah right, like the surest way to mans pocketbook is to sodomize his daughter and then see to it that shes publicly humiliated and hounded by the press.
Whatever did or didnt happen in this case, it will likely disappear from the six oclock news once Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw get over the thrill of being able to say penis and semen on the air. At that point, the media will turn its focus to more pressing matters to the average American...like whether or not George Michaels is gay.