The biggest non-story of the year so far would have to be the Monica Lewinsky debacle. Clinton may or may not have had some fawning airhead from Beverly Hills High following him around, offering him a blowjob. Why not? Face it, if the man with his finger on the button to The Big One looked like Yoda, there’d be women who’d die to be able to tell their grandchildren that they’d smoked his cigar.

If I have any gripes with Clinton’s possible randiness, it’s that the man lacks style and ambition. If he truly wants to emulate JFK, why settle for office workers who you could score at any Holiday Inn lounge? Bill, you’re The Man! With absolutely no coaxing at all, I bet you could be having anyone in the Vivid Video stable on all fours in Air Force One, or at least a quick blowjob in an elevator from one of the Baywatch babes.

People are using the fact that Clinton gave Monica gifts as proof that he was trying to keep her quiet. Having dated women who grew up in Beverly Hills, I can say with some authority that as “evidence” this blows chunks. We’re talking about girls whose idea of “punishment” in high school is being given brand new Trans Ams instead of Porsches. For a young woman who grew up in this environment, a T-shirt and a book of poetry just isn’t going to cut the Grey Poupon. Kenneth Starr is now trying to subpoena records from book stores as a way of proving that something was going on with Clinton; hoping, I suppose, to find a receipt for How To Fellate Friends and Influence Presidents.

Let’s get real. Lewinsky got the intern job because her dad is a big contributor to the Democratic Party. Do people actually think this was Clinton’s idea of a good fund-raising tactic? Like Clinton’s gonna call Mr. Lewinsky and tell him, “Sir, that little gal of yours is one hose-monster, I tell you what. While I was holding on to the back of her head, I was telling her, 'Honey, your daddy’s gonna be so proud when he hears about this.' While I’ve got you on the phone sir, I’d just like to thank you for all the help you’ve given the Democratic Party. If we could arrange a gang-bang with Monica, could you see clear to fork over another 300 grand?” Yeah right, like the surest way to man’s pocketbook is to sodomize his daughter and then see to it that she’s publicly humiliated and hounded by the press.

Whatever did or didn’t happen in this case, it will likely disappear from the six o’clock news once Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw get over the thrill of being able to say “penis” and “semen” on the air. At that point, the media will turn its focus to more pressing matters to the average whether or not George Michaels is gay.

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