In the period of recovery from my most recent failed engagement, I remembered an incident that happened after my first fiancˇ and I broke up. After seeing an appealing phone sex number advertised a ton of times that year, I finally broke down and called. The ads in print and on video always showed the typical beautiful woman looking straight into the camera, saying, "I'm waiting for you to call." I had no idea how serious they were about this claim. What follows is our conversation:

Hi, this is Sierra, who is this?

Umm, my name is Dan.

Dan DePrez? From Portland?

Well...yeah, but...

Oh baby, I'm so glad you called.

Why is it you recognize my name?

So what did you think I meant when I said, "I'll be waiting for your call?" I've been sitting here for months...waiting.

Waiting. For me, specifically. How did you know when to wait by the phone?

What do you mean?

I mean, how did you know when I might call, so that you could be home to take the call...

You still don't get it, do you? I've been waiting for your call the whole time. I haven't gone anywhere, done anything...just waited.

What about sleeping, going to the bathroom...?

I figured, if you'd called while I was asleep, I'd wake up. I don't shut the ringer off. The bathroom, fixing meals in the kitchen, stuff like that? Cordless phone. If you'd called while I was with another client, I'd use call waiting and put them on hold. So now that you're on the line with me, what do you want to talk about?

Can it be anything?

Yes, {she slipped back into her "phone voice") anything!

Well, I've been meaning to ask about some of your print ads, in the magazines. Like, for example, when the ads have words blacked out, like someone censored the ads? When there's an ad showing a women with her mouth open underneath a guy's cock and she's saying, "Fill my mouth up with..." it's not like the word "cum" isn't splashed all over the rest of the magazine.

Who says that was what got blacked out?

What do you mean?

Well, in that particular ad, the copy was to have read, "Fill my mouth up with ontology."


The study of the nature of being and meaning in relation to...

Dammit, I know what ontology is, just not why it's in a phone-sex ad.

Yeah well, one of the guys wanted us to branch out and get a corner on the lucrative metaphysical didactics demographic, but he got outvoted. Oh, before I forget it, when are you gonna want the dildos?


When do you want me to describe to you the dildo I'm using and what I'm doing with it? It'd be a shame to have waited this long and forget to include that part.

Is that what most guys go for?

Oh yeah, they want to hear a woman doing another woman with a strap-on. A year ago it was butt plugs; next year, who knows?

You mean there's another woman there with you?

Of course not, I do both voices. I'm good though, you'd never know if I hadn't told you.

(Long pause)

So, was it worth waiting for?


My call; was it worth the wait?

Well, to be honest, no. I knew you'd call, but I didn't dream it would take this long. I'm glad things worked out the way they did. The experience was frustrating but taught me a lot about myself and what I don't want, so thanks for that. It wasn't as much of a turn-on as I'd hoped, but then again, you never were much for experimentation anyway.

I hung up and wondered why I was feeling a sense of dˇja vu. Then I realized that not only was Sierra's comment familiar, but her voice sounded just like that of my first ex-fiancˇ...

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