by the fabulous Viva Vancouver

Special agent Viva here, goin’ the length for ya’ll again and making a much-deserved vacation into another exciting news flash. ‘Course I can’t say I was too inconvenienced, seeing as how going to beaches, titty bars, and rock clubs were all at the top of my Vancouver agenda.

If you’re expecting a sedate Canadian city with forest-covered mountains and pristine beaches, like I was, you’ll be surprised as you cross over the Granville bridge to see the formidable skyline and smell the not-too-nascent stench of piss. Vancouver’s big! Traffic’s bad! And at night, the streets take on a post-apocalyptic feel with all the crack, dope, and teenage whores that blanket all of downtown. However, everyone in “Pisstown,” as I came to call it, still has that wacky Canuck accent, which makes one feel more at home then, say, L.A.

Most importantly, though, Vancouver likes sex!! Laws are fairly lax and the sex industry thrives. A good place to start would be to pick up the hard-to-find “t and a” magazine. This is a relatively new Exotic-style magazine that has listings for all of Canada. There are four main clubs in downtown Vancouver and a plethora of the popular full-service “massage parlours.” Indeed, prostitution is “tolerated” in B.C., and constables are more likely to help rather than harass a damsel in distress.

For American girlies lookin’ to work up North, my advice is: don’t bother. You have to go through an agency, are paid a not-so-super wage (and that’s in Canadian), and generally have to work six days a week. Tips are extremely rare, and competition’s tough. However, if you’ve got some magazines/movies on your resumé, and are really dying to see lovely Vancouver, you can call Randy at Stripper Entertainment at (604) 437-4434.

On to the nitty gritty. Most of the following clubs have a low cover charge at night, but none during the day. Drinks are average-priced, unless you want top-o’-the-line Budweiser, which is evidently a luxury item in B.C. Tipping is so rare that I demand that anyone who reads this article and heads up to Vancouver shows the hard-working lassies some American class and drops a few loonies on ‘em. You’ll be well-rewarded.

The Penthouse
(1019 Seymour Street)
Viva’s favorite: no cover, bargain-basement drinks, and girls with character!! Who could ask for anything more?! Plus this is the only club that has no televisions to distract you from the pretty young things at hand. The stage is fabulously sleazy and very reminiscent of old-style burlesque with two poles, thick gold and silver lamé curtains, an old red velvet divan, and a long, marvelous catwalk. Miss Mona, where are you?!? The Penthouse was the only bar where I saw girls actually interacting with patrons, which is, as you should know by now, my definition of entertainment. A+

No. 5 Orange Showroom Pub
(205 Main Street)
Though in the so-called “bad part of town,” this place was hopping and lots of fun. Great stage that features a shower and a staircase ą la Gerard Dépardieu sexy film Maitress which descends from the upstairs dressing room!! Waitresses walk around with trays laden with cheap shots, and lovely masseuses are on hand to make your stay even more enjoyable. There was also a large area for table dancing at the “Number Five Orange.” Also, big-screen TVs featuring golf everywhere you look. A-

The Arch Showroom Pub
(518 Richard Street @ Pender)
This bar is conveniently and rather inconspicuously located in the bottom floor of a very central hotel. Very cool atmosphere with a stage that resembles a boxing ring. Suitably enough, there was boxing on all the big-screened TVs that encircled the room. I lucked out and caught this bar on “Two fer Tuesday.” That meant that while I sipped on vodka-tonics, I got to enjoy two-girl shows! Plus, they graciously waved the low cover charge cause I’m a chic. This was my entré into Vancouver’s club scene and as such, also a quick introduction to the aforementioned lax laws: these gals licked each other from head to toe, with some good ol’ fashioned pussy lickin’ somewhere in the middle!! Yahoo! I wasn’t the only one cheering. I caught a most delicious Prince set featuring a cute girlie-girl in a raspberry beret with a boy-girl in a pinstripe suit and bowler. Very professional choreography and costuming. B+

Cecil Hotel
(1336 Granville Street)
Yet another amazing stage with two poles, lotsa mirrors, and a pool(!!!) at Vancouver’s premiere and most well-known club, the Cecil. Great sound-and-lights system, as well. The Cecil books mostly feature acts, by the looks of their events calendar. I caught the vapid and very campy “Aussie Girls” extravaganza. Nice decor, though, and I’d LUV to have a pool to play in. More big-screened TVs with boxing all around the room. B

Other attractions to recommend Vancouver include fairly good shopping for vintage fashions and records in the Cambie district, a great aquarium, excellent downtown beaches (sunsets are free!) including the clothing-optional Wreck Beach near the University campus. Gen-X hangout the Brickyard on Carrall Street serves up fine drinks and great local bands. I caught ultra-rockin’ JP5 during my stay, who were headlining an art opening for amazing sex-art superstar I, Braineater. The kids are most certainly alright in lovely Pisstown!

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