This column draws its news bites from a variety of sources. Most are ripped off from Screw, a filthy and funny sex rag out of the Big Apple. Every week Screw, edited by Al Goldstein, runs a full page ad trying to get mooks to subscribe. The ads usually feature a famous person who recently croaked. Attempting to be the most tasteless publication in America is no easy task these days, but Screw’s nauseating “obits” allow the rag to shine in the sewer. A head shot of the recently departed is pasted onto a man fucking a woman or occasionally an animal, along with a pitch for the weekly. A recent example:

“HAPPY TRAILS TO SCREW! In his long career, Roy Rogers was a cowboy, a singer and a hamburger shill. Now the former Leonard Slye of Cincinnati, Ohio, is ready to be stuffed and mounted next to his faithful Trigger and brainy dog Bullet. You’d think that with all his millions, the King of the Cowboys would’ve at least thrown a few bucks at a fat Hymietown Jew pornographer for The World’s Greatest Newspaper. With SCREW, not only do you learn how the cowboys really fucked the Indians, you get to round up our galloping gash gallery, pistol-packing pussy portfolios and frisky fuck-flick reviews. And whether you wear a white hat or a black hat, as long as your money’s green, SCREW will be delivered right to your doorstep. So before you ride off into the sunset, subscribe today! 1-800-347-SMUT.”

Now that we’ve given Al Goldstein a free ad, we can continue to rip and print Screw news without feeling guilty. Not that we ever felt guilty about it in the first place.

In fact we’ll rip the whole column from Al this month. Screw writer Zack Simms compiled a list of the one hundred most influential people who get our libidos churning. We’ve already had the top hundred books thrust upon us by the Modern Library, and there will be many more lists to come as we approach the millennium. We think Screw’s ratings are pretty much on the mark. The number one position goes to Sigmund Freud, the man who gave us penis envy and many other fine ideas, even if most of them were wrong. Al Goldstein holds the number two spot. Well, it is his rag. Here’s the complete list:

1. Sigmund Freud
2. Al Goldstein
3. Alfred Trojan, the daddy of condoms
4. Hugh Hefner
5. Marilyn Monroe
6. Larry Flynt
7. Bill Gates, the corrupting influence of the Web
8. Lenny Bruce
9. Alfred Kinsey
10. Bob Guccione
11. Masters & Johnson
12. Henry Miller
13. Gerard Damiano, porn director
14. Russ Meyer
15. Madonna
16. Linda Lovelace
17. John Holmes
18. Alberto Vargas
19. JFK
20. Frank Sinatra
21. Bill Clinton
22. Rudolf Valentino
23. Marilyn Chambers
24. Gloria Leonard, old porn star
25. Seka, porn star
26. Helen Gurley Brown
27. Warren Beatty
28. Bettie Page
29. Liz Taylor
30. Brigitte Bardot
31. Jayne Mansfield
32. Howard Stern
33. Marlene Dietrich
34. Tennessee Williams
35. Grace Metalious, author of Peyton Place
36. Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
37. Elvis
38. Mae West
39. Xaviera Hollander, author of The Happy Hooker
40. Christine Keller, Brit hooker in Porfumo scandal
41. Roger Vadim
42. Isadora Duncan
43. Marlon Brando
44. Prince, artist know as
45. Erica Jong
46. John Leslie, porn star
47. Georgina Spelvin, porn star
48. Zalman King, really bad soft porn director
49. Ted Kennedy
50. Gore Vidal

51. Ian Flemming
52. Heidi Fleiss
53. Rock Hudson
54. Steve Rubell, owner of Studio 54
55. Kay Parker, porn star
56. Robert Crumb
57. Philip Roth
58. Rita Hayworth
59. Ron Jeremy, ugly, hairy, fat porn star
60. Blaze Star, New Orleans stripper
61. Margaret Trudeau
62. Clark Gable
63. Hedy Lamarr
64. Dr. Ruth
65. Sophie Tucker
66. Charlie Chaplin
67. Lili St. Cyr
68. Robert Maplethorpe
69. Warren Harding, brought the clap into the White House
70. Cary Grant
71. Joe Eszterhaus
72. Candida Royalle, porn star to porn director
73. Jean Harlow
74. Tallulah Bankhead
75. Anita Bryant
76. Jimmy Swaggart
77. Anais Nin
78. Vanessa Del Rio, porn star
79. J. Edger Hoover
80. John and Bo Derek
81. Ellen DeGeneres
82. Sally Rand, fan dancer
83. 2 Live Crew
84. Jessica Hahn
85. Jim Bakker
86. Errol Flynn
87. Polly Adler, madame
88. D. H. Lawrence
89. Alfred Hitchcock
90. Roman Polanski
91. Dennis Rodman
92. Vanessa williams
93. Pamela Lee Anderson
94. Terry Southern
95. Marv Albert
96. Andrew Dice Clay
97. Jerry Lee Lewis
98. Tipper Gore
99. Rob Lowe
100. Steven Bochco

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