SCREW’S GRAVEYARD
This column draws its news bites from a variety of sources. Most are ripped off from Screw, a filthy and funny sex rag out of the Big Apple. Every week Screw, edited by Al Goldstein, runs a full page ad trying to get mooks to subscribe. The ads usually feature a famous person who recently croaked. Attempting to be the most tasteless publication in America is no easy task these days, but Screw’s nauseating “obits” allow the rag to shine in the sewer. A head shot of the recently departed is pasted onto a man fucking a woman or occasionally an animal, along with a pitch for the weekly. A recent example:

“HAPPY TRAILS TO SCREW! In his long career, Roy Rogers was a cowboy, a singer and a hamburger shill. Now the former Leonard Slye of Cincinnati, Ohio, is ready to be stuffed and mounted next to his faithful Trigger and brainy dog Bullet. You’d think that with all his millions, the King of the Cowboys would’ve at least thrown a few bucks at a fat Hymietown Jew pornographer for The World’s Greatest Newspaper. With SCREW, not only do you learn how the cowboys really fucked the Indians, you get to round up our galloping gash gallery, pistol-packing pussy portfolios and frisky fuck-flick reviews. And whether you wear a white hat or a black hat, as long as your money’s green, SCREW will be delivered right to your doorstep. So before you ride off into the sunset, subscribe today! 1-800-347-SMUT.”

Now that we’ve given Al Goldstein a free ad, we can continue to rip and print Screw news without feeling guilty. Not that we ever felt guilty about it in the first place.

In fact we’ll rip the whole column from Al this month. Screw writer Zack Simms compiled a list of the one hundred most influential people who get our libidos churning. We’ve already had the top hundred books thrust upon us by the Modern Library, and there will be many more lists to come as we approach the millennium. We think Screw’s ratings are pretty much on the mark. The number one position goes to Sigmund Freud, the man who gave us penis envy and many other fine ideas, even if most of them were wrong. Al Goldstein holds the number two spot. Well, it is his rag. Here’s the complete list: