frankCarnal Knowledge
by frank faillace' [fuh-lah-chay]
voicemail: 503.243.8666


"Oompa Loompa doompa-dee-doo
I have another puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa doompa-dee-dee
If you are wise you will listen to me"

Since we kind of forgot to celebrate our 50th issue due to a major distraction of mine in the summer of '97, the next obvious big issue to celebrate was our 69th. Well, a year-and-a-half later, here we are! Whoopeee! Sixteeeeey-nine! Yeeeehaw! Wow. Okay... Cool, yeah. It's raining.

"There's no earthly way of knowing, which direction we are going." --Willie Wonka

Belated kudos to the Miss Nude Oregon Pageant which took place earlier this year. From all accounts it seems to have taken some big steps forward in organization and class. Heck, maybe someday we'll even be invited to attend! Congratulations to Destiny from Sassy's who won the Miss Nude Oregon title this year. Look for her on our cover in the next few months. Further congratulations to last month's covergirl, Brittnee, who won Exotic Dancer of the Year. And finally, congratulations to Phil and the rest of the crew at the T&A Times for putting on a good show.

"It happens every time. They always become blueberries." --Willie Wonka

It's not easy coming up with orgasmic-sarcasmic writing here every month [and obviously it's not happening right now], but I have only a few more minutes to finish this column, thanks to my attention deficit disorder and the fact that Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory came on satellite tv just as I began writing. At least it gave me lots of quotes to take up space. Not that I don't feel a little guilty about filling my column with quotes from Willie Wonka. At ten cents a word, it's at least slightly more honest than, say, trying to sell you a vacuum cleaner for $1800.

"Stop. Don't. Come back." --Willie Wonka

Now that we're almost to the end of this exercise in futility--nearly as painful as watching Keaunu Reeves act--I can tell you to make sure to read our important feature articles this month. They're important because, according to Viva Las Vegas, Zen Guerrilla is the savior of all that is rock-n-roll, and according to Brad Jamison, we're all being bombarded with experimental chemicals and biological agents by the U.S. Air Force.

"Oompa Loompa doompa-dee-dah
If you're not greedy you will go far
and you will live in happiness too
like the Oompa Loompa doompa-dee do"

See ya when I'm done sucking on my Everlasting Gobstopper...

"But Charlie, don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted... He lived happily ever after." --Willie Wonka