Pornos for Primates

read, "The cat drinks milk," at summer school. After considerable effort, the sixteen year old tart, Vanessa, spits out the words, then gets rewarded with a big, juicy kiss from her black boyfriend, Chopper, sitting next to her. On the way home from school, the little tart runs into her crack head mom out hooking in front of the motel where they live. Vanessa skips inside to watch cartoons with her step daddy, Larry, smoking crack and putting moves on her between hits. The cops sting mom, then haul her and Larry off to jail, leaving Vanessa to CSD. But Vanessa outsmarts her fat case worker and cuffs her to the motel bed. Vanessa grabs a red basket full of goodies, like beer, and wheels off to Grandma's house. Yes, it's "Little Red Riding Hood" done Southern California white trash style.

Her boyfriend, due in court tomorrow, can't come so he gives Vanessa his chrome plated gun as a going away gift. Too bad. Minutes later, some low-riders show up and cap his defenseless African ass. Meanwhile, there's a serial killer on the loose that preys on runaway teenage sluts, combing the San Diego freeway for victims. The police have dubbed him the I-5 killer. Naturally, poor Vanessa's beat-up Buick dies on the freeway. Along comes the big bad wolf, Bob (Kiefer Sutherland); he's a Dockers-wearing dork posing as a concerned counselor. Perfect. After filling her little tummy with a hot meal, Bob quickly gains her trust: Bob probes for and finds all the dirty details of her years-long abuse at the hands of step dad Larry--played by the "Pretender," Michael T. Weiss. Bob goes too far when he makes Vanessa confess that Larry's come in her mouth transformed her into a human urinal. Ah ha! "The cat drinks milk." Vanessa figures out that Bob is the I-5 Killer. Bob explains that it's his job to take-out the garbage people, while he holds a straight edge razor on Vanessa. But Vanessa, tough and wily street fighter that she is, manages to whip out her gun and turn the tables on Bob. Vanessa forces Bob to turn off the freeway, where she does what law enforcement has been unable to do: take the I-5 Killer out of circulation. In a nice touch, she makes Bob recite that he takes Jesus as his personal savior before she empties her gun into him. Vanessa drives off in Bob's SUV leaving him for dead, but forgets to wipe the blood off her face and hands when she pulls into the all night eatery. Whoops. Cops show up. Somehow Bob survives and fingers an unrepentant and unbelieved Vanessa. She goes off to Juvie where a miniature Girls In Prison film within a film transpires. Her fifteen moving minutes in jail surpass every Girls In Gladiator School movie ever made. Step daddy Larry also taught Vanessa how to make a shiv out of a toothbrush. She puts it in a tampon holder and hides it in her cooch. Vanessa and her nemesis--a pale skinned Latino double murderer--break out of the Juvie transport when they pull over for a pit stop. Vanessa's new knife cuts the cute boy guard from neck to nuts while she tells him, 'Countess French kisses her new protegˇ as they gaze on the naked dead body of the woman who's just been fucking her husband'
"Who the fuck told you that you know how to fight!" Meanwhile, the cops get a search warrant for Bob's house. In a brilliant casting move, Brook Shields shines as the yuppie princess wife to the now permanently deformed and disabled Bob. When the cops uncover Bob's child porno collection and human remains out in his little lawn shed, Brooke runs up to the bathroom and deposits her brains on the sparkling, antiseptic clean white tile. Vanessa drops down to Tijuana to hook and raise cash for going to see Grandma in her Stockton trailer court. But Bob's on the loose, hunting Vanessa down; he's got revenge on his mind for Vanessa's turning him into a dickless (wifeless) colostomy bag freak show. The ending is classic "Little Red Riding Hood" done trailer trash style. Put down those generic new releases and rent this far out candy. You'll thank me later.

Thankyou Taboo Video

Rex Breathes (Image)by Rex Breathes -
Daughters of Darkness; Shawking Films; 1971; Director's cut; Dir., Harry Kumel; Stars: John Karlen, Delphine Seyvig, Danielle Ouimet, Andrea Rau

This stylish drive-in cinema recently had twelve minutes of gore and nudity restored. As low budget European horror from the 70's, you couldn't ask for more fun. Daughters opens with a couple traveling by train on their honeymoon; in the cozy confines of their cabin, they consummate their marriage. Arriving at their hotel, they dine on fish in the empty state room. Off season. The Countess and her pet show up hungry for a different kind of food. The up-start succubus wants to eat right away; she's got the hunger. Countess comforts her. Unsuspecting newlyweds wait to die. Next day, the Denmark travelogue is interrupted by an ambulance collecting a bloodless stiff--the fourth in three days, all beautiful young girls. Auditioning? The new hubby can't hide his rapture seeing the beautiful corpse; his wife gets worried she married a weirdo. Later, cocktails and perverse conversation transpire between the newlyweds, the Countess and her succubus/secretary. The Countess is stunning in a red gown drinking a Grasshopper.

daughters of darknessLater, hubby finally calls Dad and gives him the news; Dad humiliates him for acting so impulsively. Naturally, he gets out his belt and gets off beating his new bride mercilessly. She runs off and runs into the Countess, who consoles her. Puts her in a vampire lesbian trance. The new bride complains she can't take the degradation. The Countess convinces her that she actually loves her new hubby's abuse. Accept your victimhood. Revel in it.

The Countess urges the girl to exalt in the power of her love which can overlook and overcome any defect, feeding her masochism so she will gladly become the Countess' next victim. Meanwhile, the secretary/succubus is seducing the hubby when she slips on a bar of soap in the bathroom and lands on a razor. Damn clumsy vampire wannabe. Apparently she hasn't fed enough to become immortal, so she dies. The countess and the bride return. Countess French kisses her new protegé as they gaze on the naked dead body of the woman who's just been fucking her husband. While her cheating husband digs a shallow grave in the sand, the countess seduces her new Daughter of Darkness. Turn about is fair play. And good help is easy to find, so ... on with the party. The Countess has taken the first little piece of her soul. She returns to her husband in a zombielike trance.

He's trying to get his bride to leave with him immediately when the Countess appears in their room dressed in a silver lamé gown. She tells them that she just wants to be loved by everyone. Hubby has no love left in his heart for anyone. The Countess and the bride kill him and feed on his blood together. After disposing of his body, they speed back to the Countess' castle, the former bride at the wheel, trying to beat the sunrise. Around a forested bend, the sun slams through the windshield; the new bloodsucker on the block loses control. Countess flies through the windshield and is impaled through her cruel heart on a branch. But the new Daughter of Darkness rises from the flames of the wreckage to practice her evil on the innocent--who want and need to feel important, to feel loved, to feel alive through their victimization. Alas, as any vampire knows, the world is full of souls who refuse to go unpunished for their primordial sin--being born.

Freeway; Illusion Entertainment Group; 1996; Dir., Mathew Bright; Stars: Reese Witherspoon, Kiefer Sutherland, Amanda Plummer, Michael T. Weiss, Brooke Shields

This delightful indie gem opens with star Reese Witherspoon learning how to