Heavy Petting by Don DePrez

As of this issue, the column you are now reading is five years old (I should say that "Heavy Petting" is five years old: it would be really weird to write this specific column years ago instead of JUST writing the first column). To start with a clean slate for the second half of my first decade at Exotic, here are a few odds-n-ends I want to clear out this month.

Chelsea Clinton is now dating at Stanford. Think about it: this gal might as well walk around campus wearing an "Exhale If You Want To Nail Me" T-shirt. Can you picture Bill Clinton being able to say anything to any young man coming by to take out his daughter? Who on earth is this man qualified to lecture or threaten? At this point, Clinton might only be qualified to dispense pre-date advice on how to get cum stains out of . . . shit, he's not even qualified to do that. Like this is a man who can lecture a hormone-
"The Sex Gets Better When Your Spread Your Legs and Allow the Penis to Actually Penetrate Your Vagina"
crazed 21-year-old on the spiritual value of "saving yourself" or "the sanctity of marriage?" Ron Jeremy could come to the front door asking, "So, where's the gash?" and about all Bill could rightfully say would be "Well now, uh... you know, women deserve a certain level of respect and uh... well, I mean... the benefits of delayed gratification and... shit, you need condoms, or are ya cool?"

Why is it that when a man ends up being "a woman trapped in a man's body" it's never a woman trapped in the body of a petite blond lad who could actually pull off going out in drag? It is simply not mathematically possible that every woman who gets trapped in a man's body would end up being stuck inside the frame of a 6'3, 265-lb. bruiser who (as S.J. Perelman would say) has a forehead only by dint of electrolysis.

I still cannot believe that the women of America actually respond to the feeble blurbs on the cover of Cosmopolitan. A classic example was the recent "Blow Him Away--A Terrific New Oral Sex Trick (and all you need is a hair scrunchie!)" What's the article end up being about? The "new" sex "trick" is for the woman to pull her hair up or back out of the way during blow jobs! To borrow a phrase from my good friend Art Krug, "Pardon me while I put that in the 'No Shit!' file." I suppose future issues will offer such treats as, ''You and Your Big Mouth--Improve Oral Sex 100%" (translation: "Actually Give Head Instead of Talking About It") and "Want Really Hot Sex? We Dare You to Go Deeper" (translation: "The Sex Gets Better When You Spread Your Legs and Allow the Penis to Actually Penetrate Your Vagina'').

So for now, I'll just say thank you. If at any time in the last five years I have been able to move you to enjoy sex and/or dating more, then you've been giving entirely too much power over your life to others.