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In this month's news were two stories too weird to let slip under the radar. The first comes from a women's shelter in Portland which shall remain anonymous, where a thoughtful donor tried to supply some Barbie clothes for the kids of resident women. The clothes were refused, as the shelter didn't want to encourage sexual stereotyping. This certainly sends a positive message to little girls who are trying to recover from a traumatic home life. The shelter operators evidently want these kids to get the message that "You are not allowed to have fun the way you want to have fun. Someone else will determine how you enjoy yourself." As kids coming from an abusive environment, what kind of message does this send about giving others power over you?

'Once a girl can suck the chrome off a trailer h

The second doozy is the announcement that Marie Claire will soon feature an advice column for teenage girls from Courtney Love. Who's brainstorm was this? Speaking as one who was part of the music scene in the days when Ms. Love was a hanger-on just barely past her teens, this is not someone who had a totally kickass adolescence. One can just imagine how she might straighten out readers:


Dear Courtney,

I know you probably can't relate to not being beautiful, but I need help. I'm kinda overweight, I can't afford the right clothes, and my friends are all weird. I want to be popular; what do I do?

--Desperate at David Douglas


Dear Desperate,

Honey, lesson #1 is, there is no such thing as a girl who puts out not being popular. Once you're banging every guy who asks, everyone at school will know who you are and you'll never be lonely again. As an added bonus, it's a way of getting back at the stepfather who beats you once in a while. He already calls you a tramp for the way you dress, right? Plus, the more experience you get in bed, the better prepared you'll be for getting your career off the ground. As far as the weight goes, once you're on a diet of coffee, cigarettes, speed and Jack Daniels, the baby fat will just melt away. Then you'll be ready to make money as a stripper, and earn enough money for a boob job. Once a girl can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch and has $5,000 tits, there's no limit to what she can do.


Dear Courtney,

I am totally at a loss regarding my boyfriend. We live together and the passion seems to have gone out of the relationship. He adores our little girl, but it seems like he's always stressed out about work. He's making really good money right now, but he's doing more heroin than usual, and seems to have forgotten that I exist. I can't take it much longer; what should I do?

--Life Insurance Beneficiary in Lents


Dear Life,

Sometimes it's best to do nothing at all, but make sure you take care of you, okay? What I would do if I were you is grab your daughter and go stay with a friend for a few days. Once a man's been alone with enough heroin and loaded firearms, these things have a way of taking care of themselves.



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