Pornos for Primates - adult movie reviews by Rex Breathes

Diziplin Club; Gerry Import

There are enough bad 80's haircuts in this miss(tress) adventure to start a glam rock eurotrash revolution. There is, however, some hardcore bondage--a woman in full restraint getting fucked. And that alone is evidence of Oregon's more liberal state constitution protecting obscenity as free speech. For now. You couldn't rent or buy Diziplin anywhere else in the US. Except Oregon. Not that you'd want to. Each and every scene concludes with the sub male coming on mistress's shiny black vinyl boots, while the sub fem licks it off. The hirsute quality of the cunt in Diziplin makes me think it was made in the 80's and is just now making it across the Atlantic. Must have been shipped over on a rubber lifeboat. That's it! Latex sex in a rubber lifeboat at sea. Why aren't I shooting porn? Rent this as an anthropological study and be grateful we got the A-bomb first.


Mis-SpelledMis-Spelled; VCA; Dir., Wesley Emerson; Stars: Kylie Ireland, Chloe, Tina Tyler, Elizabeth X ...

Chloe, Kylie and Tina star as three stupid witches rooming together in Hollydruid à la Charmed. Hard-up WB execs are probably watching this for new ideas. Scene one casts Chloe and Kylie--the lesser witches--having dildo sex while the big bitch witch, Tina (à la Shannon Doherty), is out charming the pants off WB producers. I'm bewitched as the flat chested, gravely voiced Chloe fucks Kylie

"I'm bewitched as the flat chested, gravely voiced Chloe fucks Kylie in her fat ass doggie style--her pale heavy tits swingin'n'swayin to the dildo beat."

in her fat ass doggie style--her pale heavy tits swingin'n'swayin' to the dildo beat. Incredibly stupid music under that dilutes the spoof. Poof. Kylie produces a black wand dildo the size of a Jedi sword and fucks Chloe into next week.

Tina Tyler looks appropriately bitchy brunette, coughing up lines like, "I don't have time to undo

the voodoo that you do so well." So Chloe conjures up some farm boy to help her around the house with things like filling her hole up with stiff meat. The genie she dreams of fucks her in a hard slapping cadence like marching jack boots. Chloe announces her orgasm--and you better believe it because she does come on camera all the time. Chloe's small tits, average face and long legs beguile me as she comes two more times, then takes the paint off a garden hose sucking his dick. A nice reversal of fortune, I'd say, as the cock suck follows the fucking. Pearl necklace pops out and the genie is gone.

Dildo threesome scene three as blonde Barbie, Elizabeth x, sucks dick while getting fucked by a strap-on bigger than my apartment. My only condomnation (sic) of this witch's brew is the prophylactics covering all magic wands. It's not only the witch's way but the VCA way.

Tina Tyler finally gets her chance to go down in scene five, which is good. The only way to shut-up a bossy witch bitch is to fill her cum-gargling throat with cock. Tina gives him a hand over handjob, like she's swinging a bat, and he anoints her natural tits. Kylie and Chloe fans will be-deviled by Mis-Spelled.


tornTorn; VCA; Dir., Veronica Hart; Stars: Ginger Lynn, Chloe, Juli Ashton, Stacy Valentine, Kylie Ireland, Tina Tyler, Sharon Mitchell (non-sex cameo)

This big-time, big-name feature follows the in-front and behind-the-scenes antics of a flappy soap, "Where the Wives Are." The Ginger Lynn comeback starts off with a game of strip checkers with Tina Tyler. Ginger's still a fucktoy at forty as she dons her catwoman suit and fellates three caped monkeys. She literally spanks the monkey, hard!, and proves that most girls today just don't suck dick like they used to. Gobble gobble gobble. Best moment: Ginger with two choads stickin' outa her mouth while she gets slammed from behind. They fuck the holy, legendary porn star bejesus outa her. I almost expect Lynn to pause mid-fuck, turn around and say, "Do you know who you're fuckin'?"

Scene two in the dentist chair is a throwback to Harry Reems as the goofy doctor gets blown between inhales of NO2. (Think we could get a canister of that around the office at deadline?) Ginger sucks off Mr. Michaels on the plane to Chicago. Stewardess Juli Ashton comes by and offers her a

porno.pic 6.04butt plug. Funny scene. Even inserts it for her. This is no budget airline. Then the stewardess returns with a tray of dildos; Ginger picks the dark meat. Stewardess asks Ginger if she's ready for her main course, brandishing a big, black strap-on. Then fucks her. Michaels looks on and beats off. Stewardess brings desert, which

"They fuck the holy,  legendary-porn-star  bejesus outta her"

is an in-flight face sit. And this is in coach! After a night of debauchery, the doctor stumbles into the wrong room at the Ramada and fucks a stranger while her husband snores beside her. Next, Chloe and Ginger go girl/girl by the fireplace--double dildo fuck-off. Chloe comes and Ginger's not far behind as the rising star and the fading one share an honestly tender moment. Shit. Rex is getting weepy here. Come back little Sheba and make my torn world right, is the lament of poor Chloe who must watch the love of her life marry another. But then, Chloe is included in the triumvirate marriage--husband and wife and wife. Chloe goes down on Ginger under her gown during the vows. Hooray! Rex predicts Torn will walk away with all the awards that don't go to Nin next year.


Snatch VideoMagazineSnatch Video Magazine #3; Snatch Video Productions; Dir., K.F.; Cast: Newcomers

The jaded premise of this video is being a fly on the wall watching the porno producer interview new prospects. Of course, the girls all get started on their first scene right away. They answer all the questions, like how much do they charge for blowjobs, DP's and anals, then fuck themselves with toys and go down on dick. Fans of first-timers might like this, otherwise, don't call us, we'll call you. A new Max Hardcore this is not . . . to mention, the guys are all small frys. Yuck.



Thanks to Taboo Video and all night Rachel.


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