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The Vomitorium; Mystic Productions; Dir., Phoenix 13; Stars: Reagan Starr, Randi Storm, Johnny Toxic; Original music: Johnny Toxic

MC Upchuck introduces the concept of this video: naked chicks throw-up on camera. At last, porno has broken through the vomit barrier. There's even a theme song to herald this milestone: "Vomit is fun, vomit is nice, my mama loves vomit more than sugar and spice."

Now we're prepared for the ultimate sacrilege: the bleached blonde bimbo, Cream, sucks mother's milk straight from the teat and spits it up. Well, I suppose babies often do that; but not 22-year-old crank head babes. So far, no real streaming vomit to write home about.

MC Upchuck (Johnny Toxic), sensing this shortcoming, too, cries out in faux anguish. "Bring me a vomit girl! I need a vomit girl!" Finally, Cream hurls a festive but trite amount of undigested beer and grapes on the blue plastic drop cloth. Upchuck and the cameraman try to out puke her . . . and do. A bulimic could only laugh at such pathetic efforts.

'Reagan gives her real name and social security as the afterhurl drips off her chin, down her breasts and dribbles off her shaved pussy'

Next up, the former prom queen of '93, Shelle, unloads her two cents worth. Real bulimics, who are highly intelligent, creative, sensitive control freaks, would be insulted by these skanky amateurs. But you heard it here first: Johnny Toxic says we're all gonna die in the year 2000. Which must be why he made this video. Then he gets his dick sucked by Reagan Starr at the Vomitorium intermission. Later, the bald pussied, semi-literate Reagan throws-up almost as good as she sucks dick. Maybe Toxic's come is better comin' back up. After a hurl, she waves to the camera, "Hi mom!" Then, "God, if anyone ever sees this . . ." I don't think she'll ever have to worry about that. Reagan calls Johnny "a sick motherfucker." Then gives her real name and social security number on camera as the afterhurl drips off her chin, down her breasts and dribbles off her shaved pussy. Have we reached the living end of this modern theatre of the absurd?

Fetish film veteran Randi Storm shows up at the Toxic hotel suite and gives inspirational head. Randi sucks dick like her life depends on it . . . and it does, here at the end of the world, we all need our dicks sucked by a vomit queen. The Captain (Crunch) says: It's too bad Toxic's

music career didn't take him out of porn before he fell to this. In closing, Toxic pleads with vomiters and their partners everywhere to step forward and help him make a Vomitorium 2. At least Toxic readily admits that he needs help. That's the first step. Maybe a real vomit queen will give poor Johnny a call and set the idiot straight. Rex dares anyone else to watch this video. The horror, the horror.

 

pornos/submis.sluts 7.07Submissive Sluts; All Good Video; Dir., Henri Pachard; Stars: Alana, Anastasia, Sabrina Johnson

 

Alana blows Sean Michaels sitting upon his throne in a toilet stall; she kneels on the daily paper . . . trained slut. Then she turns around and offers up her ass while sticking her face out from under the stall. It's just like the unisex bathroom in Ally McBeal only completely fuckin' different. Michaels' meat attacks her sphincter while still sitting on his throne--talk about a shit backwards as she gets toilet fucked by his chocolate monster. Anastasia goes to see Dr. Mark Davis; gives him deep, gagging throat while lying on her back on the exam table. Needless to say, all submissive sluts take it in the ass. Blackballsuck scene three. Michaels dick dressed in latex looks like a shiny store bought strap-on. Fair beginning to a new series for Michaels fans.

pornos/white trash 7.07White Trash Whore 14; JM Productions; Dir., Jim Powers; Stars: Aspen Brook, Sonja Redd, Suave, Dave Hardman

 

We open on a dirt road out in the middle of the Mojave where the short shorts and high heelslut, Aspen, is hitchin' a ride in the heat. Hardman picks her up in his beater. She's abducted to his rancho relaxo where she gives deep throat to Dave's sidekick, Buck, amidst a discarded toilet, dirtbike, refrigerator et. al. The unBeverly Hillbillys debase this Hollywood trash with frontal and rear assaults. Rundown red head trailer sex scene two as she sucks black dick, one big and one huge, in exchange for the shit that will get her through another dancer shift. Aspen gets gangbanged by five brothers out in the boneyard. They pour their beers on her face to cool her off while she fellates them on her knees in the dirt(y). Total party pig garbage slutfest. Debasement must sell. White Trash Whore is already a teenager at 14.

Technically, these are sluts--who do it for free--not whores, who do it for money. Like the word whore rex. Hey, I'm no better than. My degradation is the more subtle psychological variety. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Aspen masturbates her way through the five facial finale. The bombs bursting in air. No condoms for these bitch

porno.pic 6.04es. But after watching the above vids my brain needs a condom. Like a space drunk astronaut exploring the furthest reaches of deepest, darkest space, I return to you, dear reader, with this report.

'Slow blues fisting.  Figures. She’s German.'

pornos/whack attack 7.07Whack Attack 6; Extreme Ass.; Dir., Tom Byron; stars: Bridgette Kerkove, Carmen, Anastasia, Stephanie B., Leanni Lei, Kristi Myst

 

Tom Byron, of Comeback Pussy fame, makes reliable, easy strokin', blues soundtrack anal gonzo. Pretty girls, tasteful camera/edit tricks and no serious gross-outs. Bridgette confesses that her last name, Kerkove, is German. "And that's my real name. But you can edit that out." Whoops. Bridgette, who bares some resemblance to Bardot, must give the most beautiful gape this burned out pathetic word whore's ever (ob)scene (sic). Slow blues fisting. Figures. She's German. You probably won't feel too guilty, disappointed or debased renting this and whacking off. And the jazzy blues/rock fusion score won't hurt your headphoned ears--not wanting the neighbors to hear Bridgette scream, "Fuck my ass!" at 4:00 AM. Asian alert: there is an Asian female in this video and we all know Asians can't suck dick any better than they drive, so . . .

Primate Studies:

A friend, who lives in the country, says billy goats will sometimes only mate with other billys. Be a gay goat with pride. Hope Lon Mabon and the Oregon Citizen's A lliance don't find out about this. They'll put an initiative on the ballot banning goat herding in Oregon.

Kris Kramski's latest has been retitled and released by Sin City as Chloe, The Story of a Sex Addict. Originally titled by Kramski as Chloe: A Day at the Beach, the current title bears no resemblance to the actual script--just a shameless marketing ploy. See Exotic magazine for the Chloe preview (Sept.) and Kramski interview (Oct.), if they ever get up online.

Speaking of online, email your comments to rexbreathes@hotmail.com and get involved in your porno community. Best monthly comment gets to come down to the orifice and walk out with the movies of their choice from the archives (held captive down in (de)basement). Ooh. So, what the hell are Xyou waiting for, the second coming?

EXOTIC MAGAZINE