Shit That Comes In The Mail
Sinister Sister; Sin City; Dir., Ezra; Stars: Shay Sweet, Gia, Xxxena, Amanda Pain, Allysin Chaynes
"Greetings from a dead man," is what I'd
say, talking outside of "Newspeak," as
I thrust myself into another month of porno reviews... poolside, we
open with Shay Sweet masturbating on the lounger, interrupted by a call
from her agent (yeah, right) telling her she has to leave town for a
job. She phones her Sinister Sister who gladly takes the job
of feeding the cats so she can fuck her sister's boyfriend. While the
pussy's away...Shay doubles as the evil twin sister in the (toilet)
roll (sic) of a lifetime. Mark Davis, who's heavier every time I see
him, shows up and rounds the bases with Shay--as the good sister or
bad sister, I dunno, and frankly, harlot, I don't give a damn.
Sex with the poolboy scene two--three sluts and a jock. This twaddle has producer Michael Raven's adult cable soft/hardcore written all over it. Tame, lame and same old same. Coming to the adult "Spice" Channel soon, at eight bucks a whack, Sinister Sister is more mind control designed to numb your already meaningless existence. Note: there is no interracial or anal in this video as that would violate the unwritten laws of cable porn. The only way to stop the eroding evil of adult cable is for people, that means you!, to quit ordering it. Double plus bad.
Clinic; Filmco; Dir., Stuart Canterbury; Stars: Sydney Steele, Melissa
Hill, Bolivia Samsonite, Barby, Mike Horner, Valentino
in the back of an ambulance where the blonde begs the paramedic to fuck
her, as she's being rushed to the hospital for a serious lackadick problem,
no doubt. So far, The Clinic is a clinic on all the things we
love/hate about really bad, cheesy porn. Scenes of the ambulance racing
through the European city are spliced into their gurney fucking with
sort-of-seventies-soul-secret-agent music under. Five minutes in and
the paramedic's already in her fat ass and completely outside the safe
milk and crackers confines of cable porn. Still no "thought
crime" being committed, though. He comes on her face just as
they pull into the Chastity Clinic. The poor woman is suffering from
sexual mania and must be treated. This was actually considered to be
a medical condition back in the late 19th and early 20th century, usually
treated with tincture of opium, turning proper women, who liked sex
a little too much, into raging opium addicts. Much better. Today's woman
sedates her sexual appetites
with shopping, Prozac and food. We've come a long way.
leopard print panties pulled aside masturbation show. Some of the actors
are Dutch, some American and some belong in a zoo. The funny farm location
overwhelms the action--or serious lack there of--with its beautiful
Baroque oppression. Cut to the disco, "Generationext," I shit you not,
where at least the go go dancers take off their clothes; unlike Exotica
no no (sic), where the only pussy you'll ever see is your face, staring
back at you from the mirror behind the bar. Meanwhile, back at The
Clinic (for bad porn), the inmates are restless and masturbating
again. Apparently, the "triumph of willpower over
the orgasm" has not been achieved, yet. But if you keep watching
The Clinic, it probably will. Back to the disco, it's cocksuck
a go go; must be nice to have a disco so handy to The Clinic
for sexual absurdity. The patients all sleep in Victoria's Secret underwear.
Unfortunately, none of them look like Tyra Banks. More like Ernie Banks.
The "thought police" probably won't arrest
you for this one, either. There are staircases and furniture that look
better than the actors.
Y2K; Sin City; Dir., Michael Raven; Stars: Katja Jean, Sydney Steele,
Michael Raven shows us that Michael Zen, Michael Nin and Andrew Blake
he is not, although he sure would like to be. Shot on film in widescreen
format with new age nonsense music under, I suppose this is Raven's
retort to Nin's sci-fi feature, Dark Garden. A paranoid Katja
Jean, in wooden narrative, thinks she's being followed by men in black.
Cut to cavegirl cocksuck scene two, which has absolutely nothing to
do with our heroine being followed by mib... who abduct her into scene
three for a girls in prison cocksuck that could have been clever, if
handled by any director with half a brain. So far, this is more thought
control adult cable, i.e, no anal or interracial and definitely no "thought
crime." At least I'm getting paid to watch it instead of vice/versa.
scientists give our heroine The Matrix rip-off explanation: take
the pill, leave the grid of the dream created to feed off your energy.
Or, you could just hit the eject button. But, she takes the pill, instead,
which gives her a serious case of bad, glitter gold make-up. Kind of
a Velvet Goldmine meets Mrs. Robinson Lost In Space. Sitting
up in her gold vinyl gown, our heroine learns we've all been implanted
with microchips controlled by a giant computer called "The Beast." Our
heroine is off the grid now, and so am I--thinking about supermodel
Esther Canadas (The Thomas Crown Affair) and wondering if I should
rent that video again. Do it for Esther. Really stupid Matrix
KungFu fighting comes next. Whoops. Brief sci-fi silver lab coat anal
and dp, last scene, easily edited out for cable. And Millennium
is thankfully over. To think it took man two thousand years to reach
this crowning achievement; speaking outside of "Newspeak,"
I'd say, "greetings from a dead man."
Meat 2; Sin City; Dir., Michael Raven; Stars: Jill Kelly, Teri Starr,
Gina Ryder, Allysin Chaynes, Gwen Summers
A tiny Asian
street treat shows us how not to suck dick, as she alternates
between fellating a chubby Mark Davis and a dirty blonde bimbo wielding
a black strap-on. Assfucking scene two, her cries barely audible above
the squeaking leather love seat. The guy's so ugly, he made my cat throw
up on the carpet. Jesus. All you have to be is some friend or relative
of the director/producer/cameraman armed with a hit of Viagra to get
into an adult video these days.
"Hey Chuck, my cousin Bob wants to do a scene; what do ya say?"
"I dunno. What's in it for me?"
"Lakers' tickets, courtside."
And we, the porno public, must suffer. Limp longhair Fabio freak, scene three: the Goth girl's tongue is pierced in more places than a clown has faces. Fabio finally gets it up and we can see why it took him so long; his dong must take a quart of blood just to get going. Telltale pubic hair growing around the base of his dick makes me think he could be one of Dr. Rosenstein's Monsters--former LA urologist, who lost his license, who once performed penis enlargement surgery. At 57 minutes and 11.02 seconds into SM2, tiny titty Katie takes it in the ass. Using the onscreen TCR (time code running), I, Dr. Californicum, have determined that the average male ejaculation lasts five seconds. So, let's do the math, kiddies. We'll be generous (which she probably is not) and say in a one year relationship, the guy gets lucky 100 times. That's 500 seconds of pure ejaculatory pleasure, total, which converts into eight minutes and 20 seconds. So, next time you're cryin' in your beer about how she done you wrong, remember: Eight minutes and 20 seconds, total, of pure, male/female ejaculatory pleasure, in exchange for months of mental and emotional anguish. Now tell me, why do you think prostitution is the oldest profession.
All quotes in dark red from the film 1984.
Cut to the AVN Awards in Las Vegas last month where director Kris Kramski's film, Chloe, delivered best actor, James Bonn, and best actress, Chloe. It was Bonn's second consecutive best actor award, winning last year for his performance in Kramski's Models. Again, see Kramski interview in Exotic online--xmag.com/archives/Oct. '99, "Kris Kramski--Beauty and the Beast."