Shit That Comes In The Mail

Sinister Sister; Sin City; Dir., Ezra; Stars: Shay Sweet, Gia, Xxxena, Amanda Pain, Allysin Chaynes

"Greetings from a dead man," is what I'd say, talking outside of "Newspeak," as I thrust myself into another month of porno reviews... poolside, we open with Shay Sweet masturbating on the lounger, interrupted by a call from her agent (yeah, right) telling her she has to leave town for a job. She phones her Sinister Sister who gladly takes the job of feeding the cats so she can fuck her sister's boyfriend. While the pussy's away...Shay doubles as the evil twin sister in the (toilet) roll (sic) of a lifetime. Mark Davis, who's heavier every time I see him, shows up and rounds the bases with Shay--as the good sister or bad sister, I dunno, and frankly, harlot, I don't give a damn.

Sex with the poolboy scene two--three sluts and a jock. This twaddle has producer Michael Raven's adult cable soft/hardcore written all over it. Tame, lame and same old same. Coming to the adult "Spice" Channel soon, at eight bucks a whack, Sinister Sister is more mind control designed to numb your already meaningless existence. Note: there is no interracial or anal in this video as that would violate the unwritten laws of cable porn. The only way to stop the eroding evil of adult cable is for people, that means you!, to quit ordering it. Double plus bad.

The Clinic; Filmco; Dir., Stuart Canterbury; Stars: Sydney Steele, Melissa Hill, Bolivia Samsonite, Barby, Mike Horner, Valentino

We open in the back of an ambulance where the blonde begs the paramedic to fuck her, as she's being rushed to the hospital for a serious lackadick problem, no doubt. So far, The Clinic is a clinic on all the things we love/hate about really bad, cheesy porn. Scenes of the ambulance racing through the European city are spliced into their gurney fucking with sort-of-seventies-soul-secret-agent music under. Five minutes in and the paramedic's already in her fat ass and completely outside the safe milk and crackers confines of cable porn. Still no "thought crime" being committed, though. He comes on her face just as they pull into the Chastity Clinic. The poor woman is suffering from sexual mania and must be treated. This was actually considered to be a medical condition back in the late 19th and early 20th century, usually treated with tincture of opium, turning proper women, who liked sex a little too much, into raging opium addicts. Much better. Today's woman sedates her sexual appetites

with shopping, Prozac and food. We've come a long way.

Scene two, leopard print panties pulled aside masturbation show. Some of the actors are Dutch, some American and some belong in a zoo. The funny farm location overwhelms the action--or serious lack there of--with its beautiful Baroque oppression. Cut to the disco, "Generationext," I shit you not, where at least the go go dancers take off their clothes; unlike Exotica no no (sic), where the only pussy you'll ever see is your face, staring back at you from the mirror behind the bar. Meanwhile, back at The Clinic (for bad porn), the inmates are restless and masturbating again. Apparently, the "triumph of willpower over the orgasm" has not been achieved, yet. But if you keep watching The Clinic, it probably will. Back to the disco, it's cocksuck a go go; must be nice to have a disco so handy to The Clinic for sexual absurdity. The patients all sleep in Victoria's Secret underwear. Unfortunately, none of them look like Tyra Banks. More like Ernie Banks. The "thought police" probably won't arrest you for this one, either. There are staircases and furniture that look better than the actors.

Millennium Y2K; Sin City; Dir., Michael Raven; Stars: Katja Jean, Sydney Steele, Allysin Chaynes...

Once again Michael Raven shows us that Michael Zen, Michael Nin and Andrew Blake he is not, although he sure would like to be. Shot on film in widescreen format with new age nonsense music under, I suppose this is Raven's retort to Nin's sci-fi feature, Dark Garden. A paranoid Katja Jean, in wooden narrative, thinks she's being followed by men in black. Cut to cavegirl cocksuck scene two, which has absolutely nothing to do with our heroine being followed by mib... who abduct her into scene three for a girls in prison cocksuck that could have been clever, if handled by any director with half a brain. So far, this is more thought control adult cable, i.e, no anal or interracial and definitely no "thought crime." At least I'm getting paid to watch it instead of vice/versa.

White coat scientists give our heroine The Matrix rip-off explanation: take the pill, leave the grid of the dream created to feed off your energy. Or, you could just hit the eject button. But, she takes the pill, instead, which gives her a serious case of bad, glitter gold make-up. Kind of a Velvet Goldmine meets Mrs. Robinson Lost In Space. Sitting up in her gold vinyl gown, our heroine learns we've all been implanted with microchips controlled by a giant computer called "The Beast." Our heroine is off the grid now, and so am I--thinking about supermodel Esther Canadas (The Thomas Crown Affair) and wondering if I should rent that video again. Do it for Esther. Really stupid Matrix KungFu fighting comes next. Whoops. Brief sci-fi silver lab coat anal and dp, last scene, easily edited out for cable. And Millennium is thankfully over. To think it took man two thousand years to reach this crowning achievement; speaking outside of "Newspeak," I'd say, "greetings from a dead man."

Street Meat 2; Sin City; Dir., Michael Raven; Stars: Jill Kelly, Teri Starr, Gina Ryder, Allysin Chaynes, Gwen Summers

A tiny Asian street treat shows us how not to suck dick, as she alternates between fellating a chubby Mark Davis and a dirty blonde bimbo wielding a black strap-on. Assfucking scene two, her cries barely audible above the squeaking leather love seat. The guy's so ugly, he made my cat throw up on the carpet. Jesus. All you have to be is some friend or relative of the director/producer/cameraman armed with a hit of Viagra to get into an adult video these days.

"Hey Chuck, my cousin Bob wants to do a scene; what do ya say?"

"I dunno. What's in it for me?"

"Lakers' tickets, courtside."

"You're on."

And we, the porno public, must suffer. Limp longhair Fabio freak, scene three: the Goth girl's tongue is pierced in more places than a clown has faces. Fabio finally gets it up and we can see why it took him so long; his dong must take a quart of blood just to get going. Telltale pubic hair growing around the base of his dick makes me think he could be one of Dr. Rosenstein's Monsters--former LA urologist, who lost his license, who once performed penis enlargement surgery. At 57 minutes and 11.02 seconds into SM2, tiny titty Katie takes it in the ass. Using the onscreen TCR (time code running), I, Dr. Californicum, have determined that the average male ejaculation lasts five seconds. So, let's do the math, kiddies. We'll be generous (which she probably is not) and say in a one year relationship, the guy gets lucky 100 times. That's 500 seconds of pure ejaculatory pleasure, total, which converts into eight minutes and 20 seconds. So, next time you're cryin' in your beer about how she done you wrong, remember: Eight minutes and 20 seconds, total, of pure, male/female ejaculatory pleasure, in exchange for months of mental and emotional anguish. Now tell me, why do you think prostitution is the oldest profession.

Ed's note: All quotes in dark red from the film 1984.

Primate Studies:

Cut to the AVN Awards in Las Vegas last month where director Kris Kramski's film, Chloe, delivered best actor, James Bonn, and best actress, Chloe. It was Bonn's second consecutive best actor award, winning last year for his performance in Kramski's Models. Again, see Kramski interview in Exotic online--xmag.com/archives/Oct. '99, "Kris Kramski--Beauty and the Beast."