: January 2002: 3 Coins in the Condom Machine
you're stinking drunk in some crusty low-rent bar bathroom,
fumbling through your pocket for three quarters to buy
a rubber with which to safely bone some skaggy barfly
ho whose mascara is as thick as Groucho Marx's greasepaint
in luck. You forgot to do laundry, and there are five
bucks' worth of quarters in your pocket waiting to be
wasted. So, your head swirling amid the scents of cheap
cologne, mothball-smelling urinal cakes, and freshly dumped
Skid Row poopie, you keep feeding coinage into the machine's
cold, scuffed-steel mouth. Every time you insert three
quarters and twist the handle, a small, cellophane-wrapped
package plops emotionlessly out of the machine. Every
packet is adorned with brightly colored 70s-style artwork
and screaming headlines that guarantee so much pleasure,
it might be painful for you.
STUDDED LUBRICATED PREMIUM QUALITY CONDOM...Electrify
Her with studded rubber nubs...DRIVE HER WILD WITH PLEASURE!..."
and "GLOW IN THE DARK RING OF PASSION...EXCITE HER! STIMULATE
buy creamy, oily items:
That Moment of Pleasure Together with CLIMAX CONTROL...A
NEW REVOLUTIONARY LOTION DESIGNED TO PROLONG INTERCOURSE..."
and "DELICIOUS LOVE DROPS...Flavor Your Lovemaking Experience..."
and "VANILLA FLAVORED PERSONAL LUBRICANT WITH GINSENG
FOR INCREASED SENSITIVITY."
buy goofy little temporary tattoos featuring "dangerous"
imagery such as cartoon spiders and scorpions:
Play Tattoos...TAKE A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE...FOR A BOLD
NEW YOU!...The Ultimate in Fun & Fantasy...
BE WILD...BE CREATIVE...PUT THEM ANYWHERE!..."
buy dirty little pictures designed to enhance your arousal:
Erotic Photos...Your Own Private Stripper," which describes
a series of naked photos of chicks with suspiciously lush
vintage bushes whose nudity is superimposed with scratch-off
fake bra and panties which you rub away with a nickel,
only to watch her undergarments magically reappear after
a few seconds.
THE HILL CONDOM--LIFETIME SUPPLY--CONTENTS ONE--FOR THOSE
WHO AREN'T AS GOOD AS THEY ONCE WAS AND ONCE MORE WOULD
PUT THEM SIX FEET UNDER..." and "THE ORIGINAL Slick Willy
COMMEMORATIVE CONDOM--Meets Presidential standards set
by the White House--Sure way to avoid embarrassing dress
stains--Designed for a full cover-up."
buy purportedly educational items, such as the tiny,
Cracker Jack-box-toy-sized "Exotic sexual artistry FROM
AROUND THE WORLD!" booklet which illustrates a dozen
sexual positions and their countries of origin.
scoop up your cache of Lovemaking Aids and escort your
quarry back to your moldy studio apartment, where intense
pleasures and scorching intimacy erupt as you snap on
a glow-in-the-dark Casper the Friendly Ghost condom
atop which you've applied on a pink studded tickler,
with "intimate gel" rubbed on one of your nips and "love
drops" on the other, and a smiley face daubed on your
tummy in strawberry-flavored edible neon body paints.
You both giggle at the bawdy cleverness of the "pecker
stretcher" joke while doing the "wheelbarrow position"
as instructed by the tiny booklet, and she doesn't even
realize you've been fantasizing about the hairy-lapped,
Farrah-feathered chippie whose scratch-off panties you
just rubbed away with a nickel.
like fun? Haven't you always wanted a glow-in-the-dark
cock and an ass that tastes like vanilla and ginseng?
you always wanted a glow-in-the-dark cock and
an ass that tastes like vanilla and ginseng?"
wanted to sample these forbidden pleasures for myself,
so I blew a roll of quarters. I should note that the
cellophane wrapping is way too tight on most of these
packages, and one risks losing one's erection in the
process of opening a novelty item intended to augment
said erection. As part of my research, I employed the
services of my trusty female assistant, who says the
ribbed rubber and luminous studded tickler did nothing
to intensify her pleasure. The prolong crème
mildly deadened my penile sensations, but nothing major.
We couldn't bring ourselves to use the banana-flavored
condom, but I tasted it, and it tasted sweet and banana-y,
and this doesn't make me a fag, I swear. The flavored
neon body paints had the texture and taste of strawberry
cake frosting, which is pleasant, although hardly aphrodisiacal.
The only item which seemed to help were the flavored
body drops, which seemed to contain some Ben-Gay-style
heat-enhancing compound that for some reason actually
got the blood flowing in all the right places. But overall,
the most noticeable effect these novelties had on our
lovemaking was that we were both laughing during sex.
then I wondered about the people who don't find
this stuff silly.
What about the losers who are so socially retarded that
they learn about sex from a beat-up steel machine in
a germ-pit public bathroom? What about the social cripples
and terminally homely? What about the sexual untouchables?
bless the people who can just have sex without attaching
meaning to it, who are aroused at the very mention of
sex, who find all dirty jokes funny, no matter how cheesy.
God bless the people who are just idiotic, ugly, and
drunk enough to enjoy these items at face value.
wish I was like that. It'd be a relief to be an animal.
has meaning, but its meaning is biological rather than
personal. People who have sex shouldn't write about
it, and people who write about sex shouldn't have it.
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