good things come in small packages, that must mean GREAT
things come in big, fat, flabby packages.
ol' belly? I love it!
teats? Come to daddy!
legs? Bring it on!
ass? Awww, yeah!
can't get enough of fat chicks. I'm hooked. I've always
been this way! I can't help it. Don't judge me. Wait--you
say you like 'em, too? Well, hot dog! Take my hand, and
let's stroll together down into the Valley of Sweet, Sweet
the A-Z of pickin' up fat chicks in bars:
them they're pretty.
it. That's all it takes, really.
for a real blue-ribbon-winning hog? Go to your nearest
neighborhood bar. There's always a fat chick sitting there,
waiting to have the life fucked out
ideal fattie is the one sitting there alone. This way,
her herd of other cows don't distract you with the nonsense
all chicks talk about.
fat chicks, safety comes first. An excited bovine can
her with a can of beer. Ask if you can sit down. No, don't
ask--sit right down, trusting that her self-esteem is
so low, she'll offer no protest. Break the ice with a
suave "Hi," or better yet, a "Howdy, darlin'!" Fat chicks
love that kind of stuff. And then prey on her naïve
sympathies. Even if you have ten grand in your wallet,
plead indigence. Start small talk. Boy, the weather was
nice today. Damn, that Osama bin Laden's a pesky rascal!
Then tell her she's got REEL PURDY eyes. Continue with
your small chitchat about anthrax and the Blazers...then,
out of the blue, drop the bomb, the one that devastates
all fat girls. This is the only line you'll ever need
to pick up fat girls, so please use it with discretion:
"So yeah, normally I go for fat chicks, but I think you're
really cute." That's it. Solid gold. Suddenly there's
a cocktail in front of you and an eager, lubricated hamhock
sitting next to you.
you're not in yet. Not quite. Continue to slop the hog
with compliments. Give her warm smiles and act as if you
think she's actually attractive. Fatten up her ego, which
is the only part of her that needs fattening. Tell her
how outraged you are that Victoria's Secret doesn't cater
to Big Beautiful Women. Praise pro-fat outlets such as
Lane Bryant. Give mad props to Camryn Manheim. Tell her
you hate porkers such as Ricki Lake and that hippo from
Wilson Phillips who sell out other fat chicks by losing
weight. At all times and in all ways, make her believe
that you think there's nothing cooler than a fat chick.
here's the real test. Here's what separates the boys from
the men. A real dedicated hogger would've planned ahead
and had the Molly Ringwald video in the VCR and the Cure
CD in the stereo. Lure her with the promise of a chick
flick and a cold beer. Maybe even a bite to eat. You
do like to eat, don't you, baby? That's the
screwing fat chicks, safety comes first. An excited bovine
can hurt you. It's dangerous to give her the impression
that she's petite. Case in point: I was fucking around
with this obese pig one time, manipulating her self-image
to where she thought she looked like Olive Oyl. Our nightly
sexual gymnastics were proceeding as planned. I was on
my back, getting blown--a GREAT blow job--but it suddenly
went wrong. Terribly wrong. The entire room was eclipsed
by her huge thigh, and with the stealth of a Texas bull-rider,
she jumped on my face and expected me to give her a little
69. I was pinned down; I tried to scream, but to no avail.
I struggled to push her off, but she interpreted my gestures
as sexual excitement. I was smacking her on the ass, and
she got even more excited. Finally, I gave her a sharp
punch to the kidneys, and she finally removed her massive
bulk from atop me. Suffocation is a constant threat while
hoggin', so be alert.
let her get on top. Lie to her and tell her you like to
do all the work. Laying back and enjoying yourself while
the monster water buffalo rides you may sound like a good
idea, but it isn't worth your life.
fat chick once broke my bed frame during a zesty round
of anal sex. In return, I broke her heart. We're even.
biggest "don't" with fat girls is to NEVER use the word
"fat." Instead, enrich your vocabulary with deceptive
phrases such as "queen-sized goddess," "stout maiden,"
"big-boned temptress," and "voluptuous sexpot."
now it's time to redeem myself to every fat girl in Portland:
I'm sorry! I'm so, so, soooo sorry! I honestly find that
fat chicks, due to their heft, are forced to be more charming
than thin girls. They are forced into a life of being
charming because they lack the sort of beauty that society
values. I think that one fat chick, with one little tempting
fat-chick smile, is more beautiful than all the skinny
little toothpick girls in the world combined. The problem
with fat chicks isn't that they're fat; it's that they're