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xmag.com : January 2002: Jack Shack

As Airtight Granny begins, a written disclaimer states that all actors are 18 years of age or older.


"Gerontophilia" is a clinical term describing a sexual fetish for the elderly, and judging from the near-constant flaccid state of this video's male participants, none of them are afflicted with it. Almost all of this film's drama hinges around the visible struggle of nearly a dozen fat, balding, sallow studs vainly trying to maintain their erections. One guy never takes off his underwear; he just lets his cock poke through the cotton and looks very uncomfortable being there. Another is naked except for his wristwatch and eyeglasses--classy! The men keep lazily massaging their bread loaves throughout the video, rubbing sweat off their faces and looking bored. Their intensely glum disinterest is so strong, it's nearly edible.

The Granny of the title is one "Jenette," a shrieking harpy whose naked body looks like it belongs to a plucked, anemic bird. Her saggy flesh hangs like gray elephant skin. Jenette claims to be seventy-two years old. I'm sure she was a hottie sometime long, long ago, back when Mickey Rooney was a big film star. But time is kind to no one, and Granny stands as Exhibit A. Wearing tasteful pearl earrings, a pearl necklace, and sheer white leggin's, Granny is spunky, sassy, eager to please, possibly drunk, and so old that nothing short of Carbon-14 dating would be able to determine her exact age.

I'm unsure what the "Airtight" in the title refers to, but it surely can't be any of Granny's orifices. Her sloppy twat and saggy ass don't seem particularly snare-drum tight as they slosh around on one dry, brownish cock after the next. In fact, big veiny rigs slide in and out of her A-hole with the ease of a paper towel wiping the insides of a large drinking tumbler. You could hide a beer can in her ass and one in her snatch, and no one would suspect anything.

All the action, however measly, is filmed under harsh, unforgiving video lights in a small, couch-equipped space that might as well be the back room of the Exotic office. A sky-blue backdrop lazily hugs the rear wall. A potted plant sits in the corner. A rainbow-colored blanket adorns the couch.

Hilariously plastic electronic "Peach Pit"-style rubbery fake 50s music, replete with farting saxophones and lotsa deep "ooma-ooma-oomas" and falsetto "ya-ya-ya-yis," bubbles in the background while these disinterested cocks put Granny through the motions. One guy bends his pimply ass over for Granny to eat as burly male voices sing "bop-shoo-waddy-waddy-bop" on the soundtrack. The producers apparently didn't budget enough for the music, because several tunes get repeated near the flick's end.

Granny shares her life with us through these revealing comments:

* "People are too serious. Life is too short. You must smile all the time."

* "I don't go to church, because I don't believe in church. My church and my spirit is in my heart."

* "The monster is in my ass!"

* "You guys enjoyin' yourselves?"

* "Anybody like their butt eat out? Oooh, I love it! It's a very sensual thing for a man, having that done...It's a very sensuous spot."

* "Get down to the bottom of the pit!" [while being ass-fucked]

* "God Bless America!" [before shoving a fat dick in her mouth]

* "What a sweetheart!" [after someone spooges on her face]

* "Where there's a will, there's a way." [taking one in the mouth and one in the ass simultaneously]

* "Oh, boy, he's sweaty!" [after burying her face in a guy's ass]

* "We got the German helmet at attention!"

* "Fuck my ass, you asshole! Fuck it good, you asshole!"

* "I wear [size] seven-and-a-half gloves--for a woman, that's large."

* "All women should have my attitude. It's a shame."

* "I'll never get old, you guys. I'll always be young!"


WRONG, Granny. You'll NEVER be young again. You'll always be old...or dead.

At one point, the director's voice is heard joking about one of the actors having a sesame seed on his dick, and it's that sort of cheap lowbrow moment which summarizes the festivities. When one guy starts smacking Granny on the head with his schvanz, it's appropriately degrading. While sucking cock, Granny makes several disturbing "mm-mm" and "nummy-nummy" sounds. She explains that she loves when men splat their money shots all over her body, because cum serves as an anti-wrinkle cream. My only advice is MORE CUM, Granny, because it ain't workin'! Closeups repeatedly feature Granny's terrifyingly old face smooching at the camera and wagging her tongue. Half-hard cocks comically try squashing inside her holes like slimy ferrets seeking a burrowing den.

The director apparently realizes that the film would be about three months long if it were left up to Granny to satisfy everyone, because the last few minutes
consist of a series of fully hard cocks, apparently stimulated by something other than Granny, running up to her and dumping their goop on her face. The final shots of a dazed, cum-splattered Granny staring into the camera bear the queasy unease of a snuff film. And then, as Granny's talking--I LOVE THIS!--she's cut off in MID-SENTENCE, and the phrase "THE END" bounces onto the screen. It's a fittingly disrepectful gesture toward an old tart who deserves nothing less.

It's hard to be sex-positive about this film. Some people shouldn't have sex. Some people should stay clothed. Sex and death are exciting. Sex and old age are merely disgusting. Everyone gets old and dies, but most of us don't do it on camera. With the Graying of America, we all face an important choice: to grow old gracefully, or to flail about under hot video lights, squawking dockyard-hooker obscenities while our ancient, melted-candle-wax bodies try without much success to keep nearly a dozen bored donkeys fully erect.

There can't be a God, because he wouldn't allow things such as this septua-genarian gang-bang to exist. Same goes double for Goddess. When you are exposed to something such as this, you are permanently tainted. You can never really wash it all off. If Granny's grandkids have any sense, they'd have her committed immediately.





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