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xmag.com : Febuary 2002: A safe haven for jerkoffs



You pass them daily. You pass them hundreds of times. On your way to work. On your way to the bar. The private "viewing booths" in the rear of adult book stores. What a wonderful idea--a closet-sized booth where you can pay a quarter a minute to masturbate while viewing pornographic films. Men file into the booths like horny lab rats. They wander around in three-piece suits and dirty Camel shirts. Around and around they wander. Desperately... hornily...they wander. Waiting for the booths to open. No eye contact with one another. Not a word. The only sound is the squealing of the ripe young blonde being stuck like the pig she is. Behind the doors, you can hear the grunts and the moaning. You can hear the slapping of skin from every booth.

I approach my booth like Babe Ruth walking up to home plate.

Pornography is the perfect mistress. She is the only mistress that never sleeps. Who is never on the rag or suffering from PMS. The only whore who will keep her fat pie-hole shut. She's always willing and always ready. The viewing booths in adult bookstores are like a harem of different holes into which we can plug our fat, veiny dingitty-dongs. It's perfectamundo, hombre. Pornography welcomes all, from midgets to the obese. Jealousy plays no role. At the push of a button, you can mentally fuck more than a hundred holes in a minute. In your mind--your sick mind, to be sure--they all want you. They all want you to coldly mount them and spew your thick, stringy seed all over them. They don't want you to take them out for coffee. They don't want to buy you flowers. They only want your cock. The best part is when you open the door and walk away, assured she won't chase you out the door, begging to be cuddled some more. And she'll be waiting for your return.

So now it's up to you. Where can the earnest P-Town porn-hound find a pristine wonderland of carnal self-abuse?

I sampled the wares of three adult stores, yet I only found one good enough to bless with my precious seed. Although there are shitloads of adult bookstores in Portland, I chose only ones that seemed intimidating.

I set some goals for myself:

* I'd spend at least $4 in each jerkoff booth;

* I'd review each establishment from the perspective of sanitation and hygiene;

* I'd sternly judge the character of each porn clerk;

* I'd give the reader an idea of what sort of porno films to expect at each emporium;

* I'd determine the quality of snacks and beverages available for the hungry-and-thirsty masturbator's enjoyment.

 

So sit back, grab the lube, and allow me to ejaculate the truth about porn-store viewing booths.

 

TIM'S HIDEAWAY ADULT ARCADE (330 SW 3rd)

The faggiest place to jack off ever! In fact, this place is so fuckin' gay that it sports glory holes, primitive three-inch holes drilled between the booths so some faceless stranger can stick his pecker in there to have it sucked...or perhaps even lovingly caressed, snuggled, and rubbed along the cheeks...of some down-on-his-knees homo boy. This was a terrible place to masturbate! It provided no treats or beverages for me to enjoy while I abused my body. The movie selection was mainly fag porn, which doesn't turn me on, I swear. I would be more comfortable burning crosses in front of Popeye's Chicken than jackin' off here. Stay clear of this place, bro! It's a one-way ticket to Homoville.


FANTASY VIDEO
(1512 W Burnside)

All right. This is supposed to be the adult "superstore," but to me, it's more like the Fred Meyer of masturbation. It does have probably have the best selection of videos, magazines, dildos (not that I tried any!), pecker pumps, and a simply wonderful array of butt plugs. It also boasts a superb vending machine full of sugary 'n' salty snacks to replenish your metabolism after it's been ravaged by the rigors of masturbation and ejaculation.

But it's too fuckin' clean. It's like being in an old Jewish lady's house. It's very sanitary, and the booths are cleaned regularly. What's up with that? The restroom is clean enough to eat an omelette off the floor. And on top of that, the clerk is WAY too friendly. He felt obliged to ask if I had any questions about Fantasy Video. He had the same helpful attitude you'd find with employees at The Gap or Old Navy. Too clean, too friendly. I want to feel like I'm being bad or I'm really not supposed to be there. I want that good old-fashioned guilt that I got from my Mormon mother when she caught me jackin' off as a lad. It shouldn't be a wholesome experience; you just miss out on the excitement that way. Also--the videos are all pretty much the same. Attractive young lads and lasses pumping away and having a really fun time. Aryan menfolk and Aryan womanfolk having missionary-style sex. Boring!

 

CINDY'S ADULT BOOKS (4th & W Burnside)

Now, this is the place to paint the booth! First off, when I walked in and wandered toward the booths, a bearded, crazy-eyed wild man yelled, "HEY! If you wanna go to the booths, you gotta get tokens!" It startled me, but it also excited me. I got about four dollars in tokens and started reading that night's selections. Nothing but WEIRD PORNO! Midgets, interracial, anal, fat broads, 1,001 cum shots (#361 is the best). It had it all. After slaloming around uncomfortable trucker-lookin' fellas, I locked myself in the cubicle. The booth was dirty and moldy. It smelled like a month-old baloney sandwich. The floor was sticky, and the walls were plastered with graffiti, the best of which was "I love jackin' off." Now, that's the spirit! I flip in my tokens and the ancient TV comes alive. The first video is some hardcore anal. The next is a couple of fags dressed like Army soldiers blowing each other. The third was the one I used down the home stretch. A petite Asian chick was having her cunt pummeled as if it was a punching bag by an Asian dude's cock. She seemed to me as if she really wasn't into it. She looked as if she was in pain. I liked it. The entire time, another chick was on the bed, wearing Geisha makeup and watching the proceedings. It was surreal. It was a great porno. I happily "boxed my clown" to the image of an unhappy Asian. Maybe this was revenge for Pearl Harbor. Maybe it was the idea of a submissive broad. Maybe I'm a full-blown bigot. Anyhoo, for all you run-of-the-mill jerkoffs, this is the primo place to jack off. I recommend it without reservation. Sure, it might not have Fantasy Video's microbe-free environment, nor Fantasy's splendiferous snack bar, but it's filthy, raw, and guilt-ridden. Everything jackin' off should be.

X

 

 

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